Brotherly Love
New Years day 2005: "You'll be seeing a lot more of me from here on in.". That quote was from my brother Joe, and that day, was the last time I saw/heard from him. It is now September. He talked to my mom 2 Mondays ago at my Great Aunt's funeral. Apparently it went really well. He promised to call me that week. I didn't get a message from him until Thursday, which wasn't that bad, except I was in class. I've left 3 messages for him since, all saying I would be up late so he could call me after work, all of them giving him my cell number (which I know he already has). I don't know what to do withhim. This talking once a year shit's got to go. I can't take this strain on our relationship anymore. I know he's "busy" but working at the "Old Time Photo" booth on the Wildwood Board walk is probably not as time consuming as 19 credit hours, being on the e-board of 2 clubs, and having a job.
This is why I was so upset when he decided to live with my father at the age of 15. Even though I was only 11, I could see that our relationship was never going to be the same. Then, when he turned 18 and moved in with my mom and dad we were given a second chance. Which went wonderfully until he gave up a fully paid for photography college, and went where else, but back with my father.
Now he's living with my mommom and poppop. Which is another story. Ever since we found out about my poppop's illness, mommom hasn't let me talk to him on the phone. I think it's still too early in the disease for him to forget me, and I haven't asked her why she won't let me talk to him. I hope at least Joe's helping her care for him. When I talked to her last I asked how she was dealing with pop's unfortunate health, I think I specifiaclly asked, "are you alright". Her reply shouldn't have surprised me because I know in times of trouble I have replied the same way. She said, "I have to be."
I think the Toland's feel that I have committed some travesty by going to school so far away. I can't come running home every time someone takes a turn for the worse. I feel a little guilty, but it's my father's fault for my distance from that side of the family. If he had been a better parent, and had actually cared for me half as much as he cares for Joe, maybe things would be different. But they aren't. My father is one of 4 boys, and when I came out without a penis, he was disappointed. That's why Joe is his pride and joy.
He half-heartedly tried to make peace with me when I was a sophomore in high school. But I was 16, and I decided that I wanted no part of him. I still don't, but it still bothers me (and probably always will) that he preferred Joe over me. But that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.
There's no giong back in life, there is only reflection. I wish I didn't reflect on this matter so much, and I usually don't, until I get that one call a year from my brother. The great promiser should be my nick name for him. "I promise..." are some of his favorite words to me. Empty promises, like father like son.
This is why I was so upset when he decided to live with my father at the age of 15. Even though I was only 11, I could see that our relationship was never going to be the same. Then, when he turned 18 and moved in with my mom and dad we were given a second chance. Which went wonderfully until he gave up a fully paid for photography college, and went where else, but back with my father.
Now he's living with my mommom and poppop. Which is another story. Ever since we found out about my poppop's illness, mommom hasn't let me talk to him on the phone. I think it's still too early in the disease for him to forget me, and I haven't asked her why she won't let me talk to him. I hope at least Joe's helping her care for him. When I talked to her last I asked how she was dealing with pop's unfortunate health, I think I specifiaclly asked, "are you alright". Her reply shouldn't have surprised me because I know in times of trouble I have replied the same way. She said, "I have to be."
I think the Toland's feel that I have committed some travesty by going to school so far away. I can't come running home every time someone takes a turn for the worse. I feel a little guilty, but it's my father's fault for my distance from that side of the family. If he had been a better parent, and had actually cared for me half as much as he cares for Joe, maybe things would be different. But they aren't. My father is one of 4 boys, and when I came out without a penis, he was disappointed. That's why Joe is his pride and joy.
He half-heartedly tried to make peace with me when I was a sophomore in high school. But I was 16, and I decided that I wanted no part of him. I still don't, but it still bothers me (and probably always will) that he preferred Joe over me. But that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.
There's no giong back in life, there is only reflection. I wish I didn't reflect on this matter so much, and I usually don't, until I get that one call a year from my brother. The great promiser should be my nick name for him. "I promise..." are some of his favorite words to me. Empty promises, like father like son.