(no subject)
I eventually will finish the Threepenny one, but for now, here is...
Dracula (the version with Mac Warren)!
(We see an old guy, played by David Suchet, almost get killed by a vampire, but his cross saves his neck. Literally.)
ME: *Squees for David Suchet*
(In an abrupt transition, we are suddenly in a rose garden or something in England.)
ARTHUR HOLMWOOD: So, wanna get married?
LUCY: Totally!
ARTHUR: Sweet.
(Enter JOHN SEWARD, who is very pretty.)
LUCY: Hey John, even though you've been desperately in love with me since forever, wanna come to my wedding?
JOHN'S PRETTY FACE: *Wibbles*
RANDOM DOCTOR: Uh, hey Arthur...can I speak to you about something in private?
ARTHUR: Sure, what up?
RANDOM DOCTOR: You have syphillus.
ARTHUR: *Facepalm*
(Cut to Arthur and Lucy's engagement party)
ARTHUR: Three cheers for us, because I totally don't have syphillus and have totally not gotten involved with a sinister cult to try and cure it!
EVERYONE EXCEPT JOHN SEWARD: *Cheers*
(Lucy goes to see her friends MINA and JONATHAN, both of whom are adorable.)
MINA: I'm so happy for you! Plus, me and Jonathan are getting married now that he's passed his bar exam!
ARTHUR: So, Jonathan, that means you're a lawyer?
JONATHAN: Yep.
ARTHUR: Can I hire you to make some legal transactions in Transylvania for a mysterious Count who is in no way involved with a Satanic cult that I hope will cure me of syphillus, which I don't have?
JONATHAN: Sure!
(Before jonathan goes to Transylvania, he and Mina make out)
JONATHAN: Can we have sex now?
MINA: *Holding her highly symbolic cross necklace* Let's wait till we're married.
JONATHAN: How about heavy petting?
MINA: That's fine!
(And Jonathan is off to a mysterious castle...)
JONATHAN: Hello?
DRACULA: *Is old, but at least has normal hair*
OLDMAN!DRACULA: HEY!
DRACULA: So, you've got the documents for me. Got a girlfriend?
JONATHAN: I have no idea why you asked that, but yeah. *Hands him a picture of Mina*
DRACULA: Ooh...pretty...
JONATHAN: So...can I have it back now?
DRACULA: NO!!!
JONATHAN: ...
DRACULA: Oh, alright.
(But not for very long. That night, Jonathan decides exploring the castle would be a good idea, and he is promptly killed by Dracula. After drinking his blood, Dracula becomes hot, even with his emo boy haircut.)
DRACULA: Oh yeah...time for fun!
(Arthur and Lucy get married)
JOHN'S PRETTY FACE: *Wibbles*
MINA: *Sobs because her own fiance vanished without a trace*
LUCY: Gee, this is depressing. At lest we're going to enjoy the wedding night, eh Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yeah- about that...
(Arthur is mad at the Satanic cult because he didn't manage to pick up clues from the upside-down crucifix that they were actually going to kill people. He and Lucy go on a holiday to Whitby, and Lucy brings Mina along.)
LUCY: It's not fair! He's still not touching me, and it's been weeks since we got married! I WANT SEX, DAMMIT!
MINA: I know, I wish I'd sexed up Jonathan while I had the chance.
RANDOM GUY: Hey girls, a boat just crashed on the beach with no survivors, including Mina's fiance Jonathan.
MINA: See what I mean?
(While Lucy sulks because she can't get any action and Arthur fumes because the Satanists haven't helped him yet, Mina walks alone by the sea.)
MINA: *Thinks she sees Jonathan*
JONATHAN: *Is actually Dracula*
MINA: Oh, sorry, just mistook you for my dead fiance.
DRACULA: No worries- I made you think that because you're the girl I've been fantasizing about since I killed Jonathan.
MINA: What?
DRAUCLA: Nothing.
MINA: I can't go on without him! I want to die!
DRACULA: *Staring at her neck* Funny you should say that...
MINA: You're creepy.
LUCY: Sorry to interrupt- say, who's the cute guy?
DRACULA: Count Dracula.
LUCY: Can I invite you to our house?
DRACULA: I thoutght you'd never ask.
(Arthur is less than pleased to see Dracula at his doorstep.)
ARTHUR: You're supposed to be in London!
DRACULA: Relax, I'm just here to rape your wife's friend.
ARTHUR: Are you at least going to cure my syphillus?
DRACULA: No.
ARTHUR: DAMMIT!
(That night, Dracula tries to sneak into Mina's room, but is thwarted by her higly symbolic cross necklace.)
DRACULA: Ah, nuts. Guess I'll settle for the blonde.
(He enter's Lucy's room instead, bites her, and appears to also have sex with her while she's asleep. And looking like she's enjoying it.)
LUCY: Hey, give me a break! Not like I'm getting any loving from Mr. 'We can't touch and I won't tell you why' over there!
(Lucy soon falls ill, and John Seward, Doctor of Prettiness, is summoned.)
JOHN: Dude, she's lost all her blood! We have to get her to a hospital!
ARTHUR: Just give her some of your blood.
JOHN: But I'd also have to be making the transfusion, and I don't know if we're the same blood type-
ARTHUR: *Pulls a gun* DO IT!
JOHN: ...weirdo.
(Sadly, Lucy dies because Arthur Moron-wood drops his cross while guarding her at night. Also because she's a woman named Lucy in a gothic melodrama, which seems to be the kiss of death.)
ARTHUR: Lucy, Lucy, what have I doooone?
(Dracula kills the cult members who actually thought he gave a sh*t about their eternal devotion. Johan and Mina go to Lucy's funeral.)
JOHN: Lucy just died in a way unknown to science. I think Arthur killed her.
MINA: You're mad because she didn't marry you, right?
JOHN: Yeah.
(John manages to find the mysterious house where Arthur had been going, only to discover dead bodies, a blask alter, and tacky ornaments. He then goes into the cellar, where he frees a captive old man.)
VAN HELSING: They kept me here for years because I know too much!
ME: *Squees for David Suchet*
(Van Helsing convinces John that Lucy died because of Arthur's Satanic cult.)
JOHN: YOU BASTARD ARTHUR! YOU KEPT HER A VIRGIN SO SHE COULD BE A SACRIFICE! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
ARTHUR: Don't shoot! I just had syphillus!
JOHN: Oh, that's okay. Join our party, we're going to kill vampires.
(Mina broods at a cafe she and John used to go to about everyone she loves being dead.)
DRACULA: Hey, can I join you?
MINA: *Sniffles* Okay.
DRACULA: *Gets her to drop the higly symbolic cross necklace* So, can I walk you home?
(The Fearless Vampire Killers head off to Lucy's grave, where undeath seems to have turned her into Mary Sunshine.)
LUCY: Hey guys, how about an orgy?
(Dracula manages to convince Mina to let him walk her home.)
DRACULA: Come on, there's a dark alley that'll be a great shortcut!
MINA: But you're creepy!
DRACULA: Oh, come on...
(Scenes of the FVK staking Lucy in a highly sexual manner are intercut with Dracula pinning Mina to the wall and ripping at her dress.)
MINA: Eep!
DRACULA: *Suddenly falls down in pain, because either he has a psychic connection to Lucy and felt her death, or else Mina kneed him in the groin*
(Mina escapes, and the FVK decide to let her in on what's going on.)
VAN HELSING: So, Arthur was helping support the Brotherhood of the Wolf Undead, which brought Dracula here.
MINA: So it's his fault Jonathan died?
VAN HELSING: Kind of.
MINA: *Has to be restrained from ripping Arthur's heart from his chest*
(The FVK head to the house of the former Brotherhood.)
VAN HELSING: Sorry, I can't go down into the cellar with you guys. Flashbacks, you know.
MINA: And I'm totally coming with you. I want to see Jonathan's killer die!
(They go into the cellar, where Dracula suddenly pounces on Mina)
ARTHUR: No, take me!
DRACULA: Why not both?
(He snaps Arthur's neck and proceeds with his molestation of Mina. Just when he's about to make her swallow his blood-)
VAN HELSING: I have conquered my horrible memories! *Waves cross*
DRACULA: Eek!
JOHN: *Stakes him*
VAN HELSING: Did you get him through the heart?
JOHN: Of course!
MINA: Took you long enough.
(The next day, Van Helsing catches a ride back to Holland.)
VAN HELSING: See you guys. By the way, since you're the two survivors, you might as well hook up.
MINA: I don't know, I mean our loved ones just died...
JOHN: *Is pretty*
MINA: Well, maybe.
(They walk away, hand in hand. But wait! They walk unseeing past a group of old homless people, one of whom is...)
DRACULA: Muahaha!
ERIK DESTLER: Hey, shove over. You're crowding the street corner.
THE END
Dracula (the version with Mac Warren)!
(We see an old guy, played by David Suchet, almost get killed by a vampire, but his cross saves his neck. Literally.)
ME: *Squees for David Suchet*
(In an abrupt transition, we are suddenly in a rose garden or something in England.)
ARTHUR HOLMWOOD: So, wanna get married?
LUCY: Totally!
ARTHUR: Sweet.
(Enter JOHN SEWARD, who is very pretty.)
LUCY: Hey John, even though you've been desperately in love with me since forever, wanna come to my wedding?
JOHN'S PRETTY FACE: *Wibbles*
RANDOM DOCTOR: Uh, hey Arthur...can I speak to you about something in private?
ARTHUR: Sure, what up?
RANDOM DOCTOR: You have syphillus.
ARTHUR: *Facepalm*
(Cut to Arthur and Lucy's engagement party)
ARTHUR: Three cheers for us, because I totally don't have syphillus and have totally not gotten involved with a sinister cult to try and cure it!
EVERYONE EXCEPT JOHN SEWARD: *Cheers*
(Lucy goes to see her friends MINA and JONATHAN, both of whom are adorable.)
MINA: I'm so happy for you! Plus, me and Jonathan are getting married now that he's passed his bar exam!
ARTHUR: So, Jonathan, that means you're a lawyer?
JONATHAN: Yep.
ARTHUR: Can I hire you to make some legal transactions in Transylvania for a mysterious Count who is in no way involved with a Satanic cult that I hope will cure me of syphillus, which I don't have?
JONATHAN: Sure!
(Before jonathan goes to Transylvania, he and Mina make out)
JONATHAN: Can we have sex now?
MINA: *Holding her highly symbolic cross necklace* Let's wait till we're married.
JONATHAN: How about heavy petting?
MINA: That's fine!
(And Jonathan is off to a mysterious castle...)
JONATHAN: Hello?
DRACULA: *Is old, but at least has normal hair*
OLDMAN!DRACULA: HEY!
DRACULA: So, you've got the documents for me. Got a girlfriend?
JONATHAN: I have no idea why you asked that, but yeah. *Hands him a picture of Mina*
DRACULA: Ooh...pretty...
JONATHAN: So...can I have it back now?
DRACULA: NO!!!
JONATHAN: ...
DRACULA: Oh, alright.
(But not for very long. That night, Jonathan decides exploring the castle would be a good idea, and he is promptly killed by Dracula. After drinking his blood, Dracula becomes hot, even with his emo boy haircut.)
DRACULA: Oh yeah...time for fun!
(Arthur and Lucy get married)
JOHN'S PRETTY FACE: *Wibbles*
MINA: *Sobs because her own fiance vanished without a trace*
LUCY: Gee, this is depressing. At lest we're going to enjoy the wedding night, eh Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yeah- about that...
(Arthur is mad at the Satanic cult because he didn't manage to pick up clues from the upside-down crucifix that they were actually going to kill people. He and Lucy go on a holiday to Whitby, and Lucy brings Mina along.)
LUCY: It's not fair! He's still not touching me, and it's been weeks since we got married! I WANT SEX, DAMMIT!
MINA: I know, I wish I'd sexed up Jonathan while I had the chance.
RANDOM GUY: Hey girls, a boat just crashed on the beach with no survivors, including Mina's fiance Jonathan.
MINA: See what I mean?
(While Lucy sulks because she can't get any action and Arthur fumes because the Satanists haven't helped him yet, Mina walks alone by the sea.)
MINA: *Thinks she sees Jonathan*
JONATHAN: *Is actually Dracula*
MINA: Oh, sorry, just mistook you for my dead fiance.
DRACULA: No worries- I made you think that because you're the girl I've been fantasizing about since I killed Jonathan.
MINA: What?
DRAUCLA: Nothing.
MINA: I can't go on without him! I want to die!
DRACULA: *Staring at her neck* Funny you should say that...
MINA: You're creepy.
LUCY: Sorry to interrupt- say, who's the cute guy?
DRACULA: Count Dracula.
LUCY: Can I invite you to our house?
DRACULA: I thoutght you'd never ask.
(Arthur is less than pleased to see Dracula at his doorstep.)
ARTHUR: You're supposed to be in London!
DRACULA: Relax, I'm just here to rape your wife's friend.
ARTHUR: Are you at least going to cure my syphillus?
DRACULA: No.
ARTHUR: DAMMIT!
(That night, Dracula tries to sneak into Mina's room, but is thwarted by her higly symbolic cross necklace.)
DRACULA: Ah, nuts. Guess I'll settle for the blonde.
(He enter's Lucy's room instead, bites her, and appears to also have sex with her while she's asleep. And looking like she's enjoying it.)
LUCY: Hey, give me a break! Not like I'm getting any loving from Mr. 'We can't touch and I won't tell you why' over there!
(Lucy soon falls ill, and John Seward, Doctor of Prettiness, is summoned.)
JOHN: Dude, she's lost all her blood! We have to get her to a hospital!
ARTHUR: Just give her some of your blood.
JOHN: But I'd also have to be making the transfusion, and I don't know if we're the same blood type-
ARTHUR: *Pulls a gun* DO IT!
JOHN: ...weirdo.
(Sadly, Lucy dies because Arthur Moron-wood drops his cross while guarding her at night. Also because she's a woman named Lucy in a gothic melodrama, which seems to be the kiss of death.)
ARTHUR: Lucy, Lucy, what have I doooone?
(Dracula kills the cult members who actually thought he gave a sh*t about their eternal devotion. Johan and Mina go to Lucy's funeral.)
JOHN: Lucy just died in a way unknown to science. I think Arthur killed her.
MINA: You're mad because she didn't marry you, right?
JOHN: Yeah.
(John manages to find the mysterious house where Arthur had been going, only to discover dead bodies, a blask alter, and tacky ornaments. He then goes into the cellar, where he frees a captive old man.)
VAN HELSING: They kept me here for years because I know too much!
ME: *Squees for David Suchet*
(Van Helsing convinces John that Lucy died because of Arthur's Satanic cult.)
JOHN: YOU BASTARD ARTHUR! YOU KEPT HER A VIRGIN SO SHE COULD BE A SACRIFICE! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
ARTHUR: Don't shoot! I just had syphillus!
JOHN: Oh, that's okay. Join our party, we're going to kill vampires.
(Mina broods at a cafe she and John used to go to about everyone she loves being dead.)
DRACULA: Hey, can I join you?
MINA: *Sniffles* Okay.
DRACULA: *Gets her to drop the higly symbolic cross necklace* So, can I walk you home?
(The Fearless Vampire Killers head off to Lucy's grave, where undeath seems to have turned her into Mary Sunshine.)
LUCY: Hey guys, how about an orgy?
(Dracula manages to convince Mina to let him walk her home.)
DRACULA: Come on, there's a dark alley that'll be a great shortcut!
MINA: But you're creepy!
DRACULA: Oh, come on...
(Scenes of the FVK staking Lucy in a highly sexual manner are intercut with Dracula pinning Mina to the wall and ripping at her dress.)
MINA: Eep!
DRACULA: *Suddenly falls down in pain, because either he has a psychic connection to Lucy and felt her death, or else Mina kneed him in the groin*
(Mina escapes, and the FVK decide to let her in on what's going on.)
VAN HELSING: So, Arthur was helping support the Brotherhood of the Wolf Undead, which brought Dracula here.
MINA: So it's his fault Jonathan died?
VAN HELSING: Kind of.
MINA: *Has to be restrained from ripping Arthur's heart from his chest*
(The FVK head to the house of the former Brotherhood.)
VAN HELSING: Sorry, I can't go down into the cellar with you guys. Flashbacks, you know.
MINA: And I'm totally coming with you. I want to see Jonathan's killer die!
(They go into the cellar, where Dracula suddenly pounces on Mina)
ARTHUR: No, take me!
DRACULA: Why not both?
(He snaps Arthur's neck and proceeds with his molestation of Mina. Just when he's about to make her swallow his blood-)
VAN HELSING: I have conquered my horrible memories! *Waves cross*
DRACULA: Eek!
JOHN: *Stakes him*
VAN HELSING: Did you get him through the heart?
JOHN: Of course!
MINA: Took you long enough.
(The next day, Van Helsing catches a ride back to Holland.)
VAN HELSING: See you guys. By the way, since you're the two survivors, you might as well hook up.
MINA: I don't know, I mean our loved ones just died...
JOHN: *Is pretty*
MINA: Well, maybe.
(They walk away, hand in hand. But wait! They walk unseeing past a group of old homless people, one of whom is...)
DRACULA: Muahaha!
ERIK DESTLER: Hey, shove over. You're crowding the street corner.
THE END