i am finally seeing i was the one worth leaving
my sister julia called me today and she complained that she doesn't know what's going on in my life because i never write here anymore. i'm not very close to a lot of people, and i don't really disclose a lot even to those i am. not so much out of a desire for secrecy but more because i just don't communicate well. i am bad at interaction and there are a lot of things i don't know how to say so i just don't say them. i've been meaning to update more often, i've started countless entries, but my intentions and thoughts always change before i finish and the entire thing becomes invalid and i lose interest.
this is the part where i fall apart.
i am not good at endings. they are my downfall, and as excited as i am to finish school and get the heck out of here, i am even more terrified of what comes after and it makes the worst of my anxiety come out again. there is so much to worry about but at the same time so much to be happy about that i can't decide how to feel, so i exist on an emotional continuum. at any given moment i could be anywhere between cowering panic and complete elation and the next moment i could be somewhere else entirely. it's exhausting.
my last entry was also my last night of alcohol and cigarettes. i quit drinking, i quit smoking, i quit everything. it was rough for a while. i liked being drunk because it made me feel like i could interact with people normally, like i had regular social skills, and it made me stop thinking about certain things, if only for a while. but i relied on it too heavily, and if not quite an alcoholic, i was definitely on the road there.
i quit sex, too, though i had one setback with that. there's this boy, a coworker, who i've had a crush on since i first happened to cross his path in a hallway one day. i admired him from afar last summer, and eventually i started to express my interest in my usual way, by initiating awkward conversations and inviting him to join me in activities such as pretending to be a t-rex. by winter training, he finally started to notice me back. we started to talk constantly, and one night i went to visit him in his room and stayed there until morning. for a week and a half we had this strange sort of pseudo-relationship, until he broke up with me by saying i am completely awesome but he just can't invest the focus and emotion and attention a relationship would require. two weeks later he was in a relationship with another girl and they are still together. it still stings every time i see him.
i had a second relationship this semester that was even shorter and more of a joke. he's liked me for a while and i avoided getting close to him, but i liked having him as a friend and eventually i couldn't avoid it any more so i agreed to be his girlfriend. i spent the next week evading him until i finally told him i couldn't do it. he's sweet but so young and i am so cynical and easily annoyed.
i should know better than to waste time on attempting relationships. i don't know anything about intimacy and it seems the only people i'd like to attempt it with have no interest in putting up with me. i probably will just be a hermit.
most of my life, all i wanted was to not be such a social outcast, to relate to other humans and understand how they interact. now i have scores of people clamoring over me, and i hate it. i hate the forced interest, the false admiration, the empty conversation. i hate that they think i am some sort of novelty, that my neuroses are cute and not something that makes getting up every day a struggle. i've almost always kept myself fairly secluded, but right now it's more from a conscious decision rather than frustrations and circumstance.
it's not so bad anymore, though. i don't know where my life is going but i'm worrying less about it and looking forward to the adventure. i'm planning a sort of road trip this summer, to face some of my fears and practice stepping outside of what i've become comfortable with. and to spend time with people who i know are like me in some ways.
this is the part where i fall apart.
i am not good at endings. they are my downfall, and as excited as i am to finish school and get the heck out of here, i am even more terrified of what comes after and it makes the worst of my anxiety come out again. there is so much to worry about but at the same time so much to be happy about that i can't decide how to feel, so i exist on an emotional continuum. at any given moment i could be anywhere between cowering panic and complete elation and the next moment i could be somewhere else entirely. it's exhausting.
my last entry was also my last night of alcohol and cigarettes. i quit drinking, i quit smoking, i quit everything. it was rough for a while. i liked being drunk because it made me feel like i could interact with people normally, like i had regular social skills, and it made me stop thinking about certain things, if only for a while. but i relied on it too heavily, and if not quite an alcoholic, i was definitely on the road there.
i quit sex, too, though i had one setback with that. there's this boy, a coworker, who i've had a crush on since i first happened to cross his path in a hallway one day. i admired him from afar last summer, and eventually i started to express my interest in my usual way, by initiating awkward conversations and inviting him to join me in activities such as pretending to be a t-rex. by winter training, he finally started to notice me back. we started to talk constantly, and one night i went to visit him in his room and stayed there until morning. for a week and a half we had this strange sort of pseudo-relationship, until he broke up with me by saying i am completely awesome but he just can't invest the focus and emotion and attention a relationship would require. two weeks later he was in a relationship with another girl and they are still together. it still stings every time i see him.
i had a second relationship this semester that was even shorter and more of a joke. he's liked me for a while and i avoided getting close to him, but i liked having him as a friend and eventually i couldn't avoid it any more so i agreed to be his girlfriend. i spent the next week evading him until i finally told him i couldn't do it. he's sweet but so young and i am so cynical and easily annoyed.
i should know better than to waste time on attempting relationships. i don't know anything about intimacy and it seems the only people i'd like to attempt it with have no interest in putting up with me. i probably will just be a hermit.
most of my life, all i wanted was to not be such a social outcast, to relate to other humans and understand how they interact. now i have scores of people clamoring over me, and i hate it. i hate the forced interest, the false admiration, the empty conversation. i hate that they think i am some sort of novelty, that my neuroses are cute and not something that makes getting up every day a struggle. i've almost always kept myself fairly secluded, but right now it's more from a conscious decision rather than frustrations and circumstance.
it's not so bad anymore, though. i don't know where my life is going but i'm worrying less about it and looking forward to the adventure. i'm planning a sort of road trip this summer, to face some of my fears and practice stepping outside of what i've become comfortable with. and to spend time with people who i know are like me in some ways.