Bednaya Nastya: Advice to fictional characters
First off, anyone who is interested, I found the entire DVD version downloadable on-line here.
I am rather annoyed. My Bednaya Nastya dvds are unofficial (it’s the only version available. I’d get the official one in about five minutes if it existed) and they leave seven episodes out. Which isn’t so bad, out of 127 but BUT BUT BUT. I just found out that one of the ones missing is the ep where Vladimir is all psycho jealous and reveals Anna’s serf status to Michael and also makes her dance ‘Salome.’ ARGH. I wanted to see this so incredibly BADLY. ARGH. Plus, this is about the worst thing he does to her, so it makes no sense for her to be such a witch to him otherwise. Grrrrrr. I found clips on a website so I downloaded them there (between the website and youtube, I think I can get every Anna/Vladimir bit ever), but still. ARGH. Why couldn’t they cut some palace intrigue instead. GRRRRR.
Seriously, why do I get into more and more obscure fandoms. What next, television in Swahili?
So what follows is to cheer me up.
You know how I get sometimes. Full of advice. And I confess the characters of Bednaya Nastya need advice badly. Very badly.
So here goes.
Anna Platonova, Our Heroine:
Girl. Get a grip. Seriously, you clearly have a starling’s sense of self-preservation. And the same observational powers. Your guardian is dead, and now his son is your new owner. And yet, despite your cracks to him that you will now have to clean his floors and boots, in case you haven’t noticed, he has totally allowed you to wander around the house in fancy dresses, hang out with his best friend, and artistically droop over flowers. No floor cleaning in sight. He is hardly opressing you, is he?
So I think snapping at him that maybe he is the one who killed his Daddy, and not even meaning it, but being snappish, is kinda a bad idea? I mean, either you believe he is a horrible horrible opressor (in which case why isn’t he busy opressing? And why are you comforting him?) so you should keep your mouth shut or you’d get whipped, or he isn’t, in which case you should lay off.
Ehhhh, poor dimwit. I like you anyway.
Wishes she was in your place,
Me.
Baron Vladimir Korf:
I know, I know, you are a Byronic hero and thus simply must angst, clutch your brow, and be alpha. That’s just your lot. However, when you look at Anna the way a starving bulldog does at a 10-ounce steak, chances are that the feelings you experience are not jealousy over your happily dead father’s affection or your outrage over injustice of world order where she can speak French even though she’s a serf.
I know, she is rather sanctimonious and a bit dim, but hey, you are the one who fell for her, not me. So win the damn girl over! Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? It’s easy. All you have to do is say sweet things to her, and maybe apologize for earlier jerkiness. You already made a good head-start by weeping by your daddy’s coffin. Girls just LOVE strong men who break down. Keep up the good work, and do NOT give into the temptation to humiliate her as a serf in front of the guy she fancies herself in love with, or by making her dance a slutty dance of the seven veils. Any momentary jollies you are going to get…
Wait…
Wait…
Where are you going?
Why are you muttering about telling the truth about her station and making her dance? I didn’t mean to give you ideas!
Fine, have it your way. Here we go, 90 episodes of angst.
You have been warned but disregarded it. Now prepare to kneel and weep.
--Yours truly. And I do mean it, very MUCH yours,
Me.
Prince Michael Repnin:
Michael. You are sweet and cute. But if you want to win over and keep the ladies, WTF are you doing being best friends with Vladimir, who is so hot he makes random passerby swoon? Seriously, do you WANT to be ditched? Being a good friend, he tries to minimize the damage by acting like a jerk, but such luck can’t last forever, you know?
Sincerely,
Me.
Andrei Dolgorukiy:
Andrei, get a spine. You can borrow one from Vladimir, he’s got extra.
I mock but I still think you are cute in your glasses,
Me.
Lisa Dolgorukaya:
Honey, just marry Zabaluyev, OK? Yeah, he is evil, hideous and old. But look at it that way, you can be left a rich widow. And plus, do you really have any other options? You can’t even find your way out of the neighboring woods (literally), your Mom is a villain so won’t help you, and your adorable brother is too busy bangin’ the serf girl to pay attention to you. So hey, make the best of it. You could always poison him later.
If you really don’t want to give it up to an ugly old goat, I am sure Vladimir would be happy to oblige if you catch him when he is depressed enough and thinks he’s lost Anna forever. And maybe later, you could put those mad skills in use with his best friend. Oh wait, that’s what you did do. Smart girl.
In admiration to the lady who snared 2/3 of the hotties of BN,
Me.
Olga,
I like you. I totally like you. I mean, you are a psychotic and monomaniacal and love to shed clothes, so Why?
1. You are one of Alexander’s mistresses so it is due to you that we get to see him yummily shirtless and showing off his impressive physique. And later crying. Oh, and one of my fave ships, Alexander/Natalie, is also because of you, as they got to know each other when Natalie was helping you. Oh, and later you create a lot of sturm and drang for Alexander, thus adding to the plot, hotness, and angst all at the same time.
2. Because you are an utterly selfish nutcase, ou are totally involving Vladimir in all sorts of problematic stories which lead to angst with Anna for him, and jailtime, and threat of Siberia and God only knows what. Vladimir angst=me happy.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Adoringly,
Me.
Crown Prince Alexander:
I don’t need to advise you. You seem remarkably well adjusted. Are intelligent and strong-willed, but not absurdly so. Love your mistresses a lot but when they are gone, reconcile to it quickly. Have good hair and clearly work out. Like smart, sharp-tongued women, and dress well.
You rock. But I wouldn’t date you on a bet.
Amusedly,
Me.
Natalie Repnina:
I know Andrei is a childhood friend but he is much too busy getting it on with a serf to make a good parti. Get it on with Alexander instead. Just compare them side by side, which would would be better you know where? Plus, he can get you really nice things as gifts. A random nobleman could never compare, jewelry wise.
Good-naturedly,
Me.
Mr. Zabaluyev:
I know, I know, you are a bad guy and it is very tempting to go and gloat over the imprisoned hero, and to tell him that the woman he loves more than anything is soon going to be literally dragged to jail and he will be helpless to do anything to save her.
I mean, I understand. This is something that you have probably been dreaming of, as per the villain’s handbook. But HELLO! How about you gloat AFTER you got her arrested/kidnapped/imprisoned/whatever else fell fate you want to inflict on her? I mean, you are talking to the guy who thought it was a worthwhile idea to call out the Crown Prince to a duel over a lady he DIDN’T care for. Prudence and caution aren’t things he is known for. Just you wait, he’ll escape just to rescue the girl, and where will you be.
Unless is HAS been your plan to have him rescue her and cuddle her as she weeps into his shoulder ‘I love you, I love, you, I love you’ over and over and over. In which case, good job!
--No love to the stupid,
Me.
I am rather annoyed. My Bednaya Nastya dvds are unofficial (it’s the only version available. I’d get the official one in about five minutes if it existed) and they leave seven episodes out. Which isn’t so bad, out of 127 but BUT BUT BUT. I just found out that one of the ones missing is the ep where Vladimir is all psycho jealous and reveals Anna’s serf status to Michael and also makes her dance ‘Salome.’ ARGH. I wanted to see this so incredibly BADLY. ARGH. Plus, this is about the worst thing he does to her, so it makes no sense for her to be such a witch to him otherwise. Grrrrrr. I found clips on a website so I downloaded them there (between the website and youtube, I think I can get every Anna/Vladimir bit ever), but still. ARGH. Why couldn’t they cut some palace intrigue instead. GRRRRR.
Seriously, why do I get into more and more obscure fandoms. What next, television in Swahili?
So what follows is to cheer me up.
You know how I get sometimes. Full of advice. And I confess the characters of Bednaya Nastya need advice badly. Very badly.
So here goes.
Anna Platonova, Our Heroine:
Girl. Get a grip. Seriously, you clearly have a starling’s sense of self-preservation. And the same observational powers. Your guardian is dead, and now his son is your new owner. And yet, despite your cracks to him that you will now have to clean his floors and boots, in case you haven’t noticed, he has totally allowed you to wander around the house in fancy dresses, hang out with his best friend, and artistically droop over flowers. No floor cleaning in sight. He is hardly opressing you, is he?
So I think snapping at him that maybe he is the one who killed his Daddy, and not even meaning it, but being snappish, is kinda a bad idea? I mean, either you believe he is a horrible horrible opressor (in which case why isn’t he busy opressing? And why are you comforting him?) so you should keep your mouth shut or you’d get whipped, or he isn’t, in which case you should lay off.
Ehhhh, poor dimwit. I like you anyway.
Wishes she was in your place,
Me.
Baron Vladimir Korf:
I know, I know, you are a Byronic hero and thus simply must angst, clutch your brow, and be alpha. That’s just your lot. However, when you look at Anna the way a starving bulldog does at a 10-ounce steak, chances are that the feelings you experience are not jealousy over your happily dead father’s affection or your outrage over injustice of world order where she can speak French even though she’s a serf.
I know, she is rather sanctimonious and a bit dim, but hey, you are the one who fell for her, not me. So win the damn girl over! Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? It’s easy. All you have to do is say sweet things to her, and maybe apologize for earlier jerkiness. You already made a good head-start by weeping by your daddy’s coffin. Girls just LOVE strong men who break down. Keep up the good work, and do NOT give into the temptation to humiliate her as a serf in front of the guy she fancies herself in love with, or by making her dance a slutty dance of the seven veils. Any momentary jollies you are going to get…
Wait…
Wait…
Where are you going?
Why are you muttering about telling the truth about her station and making her dance? I didn’t mean to give you ideas!
Fine, have it your way. Here we go, 90 episodes of angst.
You have been warned but disregarded it. Now prepare to kneel and weep.
--Yours truly. And I do mean it, very MUCH yours,
Me.
Prince Michael Repnin:
Michael. You are sweet and cute. But if you want to win over and keep the ladies, WTF are you doing being best friends with Vladimir, who is so hot he makes random passerby swoon? Seriously, do you WANT to be ditched? Being a good friend, he tries to minimize the damage by acting like a jerk, but such luck can’t last forever, you know?
Sincerely,
Me.
Andrei Dolgorukiy:
Andrei, get a spine. You can borrow one from Vladimir, he’s got extra.
I mock but I still think you are cute in your glasses,
Me.
Lisa Dolgorukaya:
Honey, just marry Zabaluyev, OK? Yeah, he is evil, hideous and old. But look at it that way, you can be left a rich widow. And plus, do you really have any other options? You can’t even find your way out of the neighboring woods (literally), your Mom is a villain so won’t help you, and your adorable brother is too busy bangin’ the serf girl to pay attention to you. So hey, make the best of it. You could always poison him later.
If you really don’t want to give it up to an ugly old goat, I am sure Vladimir would be happy to oblige if you catch him when he is depressed enough and thinks he’s lost Anna forever. And maybe later, you could put those mad skills in use with his best friend. Oh wait, that’s what you did do. Smart girl.
In admiration to the lady who snared 2/3 of the hotties of BN,
Me.
Olga,
I like you. I totally like you. I mean, you are a psychotic and monomaniacal and love to shed clothes, so Why?
1. You are one of Alexander’s mistresses so it is due to you that we get to see him yummily shirtless and showing off his impressive physique. And later crying. Oh, and one of my fave ships, Alexander/Natalie, is also because of you, as they got to know each other when Natalie was helping you. Oh, and later you create a lot of sturm and drang for Alexander, thus adding to the plot, hotness, and angst all at the same time.
2. Because you are an utterly selfish nutcase, ou are totally involving Vladimir in all sorts of problematic stories which lead to angst with Anna for him, and jailtime, and threat of Siberia and God only knows what. Vladimir angst=me happy.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Adoringly,
Me.
Crown Prince Alexander:
I don’t need to advise you. You seem remarkably well adjusted. Are intelligent and strong-willed, but not absurdly so. Love your mistresses a lot but when they are gone, reconcile to it quickly. Have good hair and clearly work out. Like smart, sharp-tongued women, and dress well.
You rock. But I wouldn’t date you on a bet.
Amusedly,
Me.
Natalie Repnina:
I know Andrei is a childhood friend but he is much too busy getting it on with a serf to make a good parti. Get it on with Alexander instead. Just compare them side by side, which would would be better you know where? Plus, he can get you really nice things as gifts. A random nobleman could never compare, jewelry wise.
Good-naturedly,
Me.
Mr. Zabaluyev:
I know, I know, you are a bad guy and it is very tempting to go and gloat over the imprisoned hero, and to tell him that the woman he loves more than anything is soon going to be literally dragged to jail and he will be helpless to do anything to save her.
I mean, I understand. This is something that you have probably been dreaming of, as per the villain’s handbook. But HELLO! How about you gloat AFTER you got her arrested/kidnapped/imprisoned/whatever else fell fate you want to inflict on her? I mean, you are talking to the guy who thought it was a worthwhile idea to call out the Crown Prince to a duel over a lady he DIDN’T care for. Prudence and caution aren’t things he is known for. Just you wait, he’ll escape just to rescue the girl, and where will you be.
Unless is HAS been your plan to have him rescue her and cuddle her as she weeps into his shoulder ‘I love you, I love, you, I love you’ over and over and over. In which case, good job!
--No love to the stupid,
Me.