Amusingness For the Day
Found here
1 You know, in this light you look like you could be Laura Bush's younger, more desirable sister.
2 Sorry if I seem aggravated -- I'm still upset about that world-class jerk, Michael Moore.
3 Allow me to buy you a drink. After all, thanks to our beloved President, the economy has never been better!
4 I'd love to hang out with you, but I can't make it a late night -- I'm shipping out to Falluja in the morning.
5 The tattoo on my manhood spells "RAN." But when I get excited, it spells "REPUBLICAN."
6 To see you naked, I would turn in my own mother to the Department of Homeland Security.
7 If I had to choose between having a Republican President in the White House for the rest of this century, or never being able to see your cleavage again, I'd be stumped.
8 I'm all for No Child Left Behind. I'm even more for your child-like behind.
9 Just as the Republican Party boldly confronts big challenges, nothing would please me more than you confronting the big challenge rapidly growing right now in my pants.
10 Because of President Bush's leadership, we are strong; because of his vision, we will be even stronger; and because I can't stop thinking about your ass, I haven't been able to stand up for the last half hour.
Found here
1. Tell them you're a Nigerian prince and you have a fortune to give them, but you need a sign that they're sincere, like paying the bill. "The guy on the Internet has been getting away with this one for years. No reason it can't work in person, too."
2. When the check arrives, go to the bathroom. "This is the oldest trick in the female arsenal. But you can use it, too. Just make sure to excuse yourself before she does. Then stay in the bathroom a long, long time." At some point, she'll feel pressured to pay the bill. "Or, if you don't want to see her again, just leave."
3. Program your cell phone to ring during dinner. Then, in a sad voice, just loud enough for her to hear, pretend you're talking to your ex-wife and say, "What? Little Jimmy got hit by a car? We're not insured? The hospital bills are HOW MUCH? I guess I'll have to take a third job." Your date will not only feel bad enough to pay the check, she'll probably console you in bed, too.
Found here
MAN COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER LEARNING HARRY POTTER SPOILER ‘I No Longer Have a Reason to Live,’ Says Despondent Potter Fan A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling opus, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”
Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, “I no longer have a reason to live.”
Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston’s house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter - and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate.
“When Jude got that vanity license plate that said ‘Hogwarts,’ that seemed harmless enough,” said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. “But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help.”
According to friends of Mr. Ralston, the Potter fanatic had done everything in his power to protect himself from stumbling across Potter plot spoilers, even disconnecting his computer from the Internet and avoiding his favorite vintage comic book store.
Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston’s death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.
“In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude’s life, even if he didn’t have one,” she said.
Elsewhere, President Bush called the jailing of a New York Times reporter “a positive step,” but warned that many other reporters were still at large.