Romance Novel Turn-Offs
When I was younger, I was volubly dismissive of anyone who read romance novels for anything but sex scenes. Now I am older and mellower and will willingly admit that I enjoy the frothy heavy-breathing world of those books sometimes. Still, there are certain things that are ridiculous - if a romance novel has them, I will likely laugh at them and never ever pick up the book again.
Here they are.
Pets are great and so are lovers but I fail to see the need to combine them both
I am referring to the new popularity for were-anythings. I believe that if heroine wants someone who drools, rolls around in mud, and has a potential for biting, she should get a dog. I really do not get the recent obsession with romance novel heroes which bark at the moon a few times a month. Leaving anything else aside, the shedding has got to be horrendous. I fail to see anything sexy in a man who is a leopard, a tiger, or a swan (indeed!) part of the time. If I want to see a wild animal, I will go to the zoo. I suppose this would be heaven for a furry, however.
The word 'mate' should never be used outside of a nature documentary
Self-evident. Usually used in novels where the heroine or hero is a were-something. Who can imagine anything sexier than your significant other referring to what you do in bed together in terms usually used on Discovery Channel? Also, anyone who can refer to their significant other as a 'mate' without laughing is probably someone I do not want to be around.
Devil is not an acceptable boy's name
Ahhhh, who doesn't want to name their delightful bundle of joy Devil or Satan or Sin or Prizefighter? OK, I kid about that last one (I hope) but I have certainly seen all the other ones in various romance novels as names of the macho macho heroes. JR Ward's entire series is a horrifying lesson in what atrocities one can perpetrate with a naming scheme if one has a crazed imagination and utter disregard for spelling (Rhevenge? Really?) Let's face it, unless part of hero's secret sorrow is that he is a child of devil worshippers or hippies with a sense of irony, he is NOT going to be named Lucifer. Just take it on faith. Especially in a period novel unless the parents want him in the neighborhood ducking pond while they get burned for being satan-worshippers. Which leads me directly to my next point.
Jessica is NOT a medieval name
When you think of names Jessica or Jason a lot of things come to mind. Medieval individuals are not one of those. Yet all these and more are names I have seen in novels set in 12th century or 15th century or what not. I don't care how fierce and manly your Saxon warrior lord hero is, he is not going to be named Dirk. Hrothgar or Abeordan, possibly, Dirk - no. If you hate the period-appropriate names so much, perhaps you should write in an era where names you like can at least plausibly be used. No, Eleanor of Acquitaine isn't going to have a court lady named Marissa. Your Victorian heroine will not be named Jennifer. Muriel and Ida may not roll off your tongue the same way, but trust me, at least they will not leave any reader of yours with any familiarity with any time period before 1960 rolling her eyes and laughing.
The Case of the Improbable Virgin
You all know the scenario - the heroine may be a widow, kidnapped by pirates, even a courtesan or a harem girl, but she has never been with anyone but a hero regardless. Good Lord must have intervened himself, otherwise I am not sure how that could ever occur. And even if she is not *gasp* a virgin, she must have been a victim of rape (for hero to heal her with his penis) or, at the most, never enjoyed it before with her previous boyfriend/husband. Just once I want a courtesan heroine who knows what she is doing in the sack.
Who doesn't want to die of influenza or smallpox?
I have a special loathing for time-travel novels in which modern heroine goes back in time and decides to stay there, abandoning all her modern family and friends, not to mention healthcare and lack of endemic violence, in order to live with a studly hunk. I want to take the silly twit and shake her, asking: "you do realize there are no antibiotics, you have few rights, you can die in childbirth, you can never travel much due to logistics, you new husband will be off on regular murdering and raping expeditions, and you and your new loved ones are subject to a high chance of violent death" whenever some modern day PhD ditches it all to shack up with a Viking.
Pirates, God's gentlest creatures
There are some professions where the author has to bend over backwards to be able to convince me that the hero should shack up with the heroine instead of being hanged - pirates, highwaymen. But usually she believes that having the man in question be sexy and have an open shirt is enough. Heroine, I hate to tell you, but unless you found the world's sole Quaker Pirate, he probably has enough STDs to fill up a hospital ward and is a repeat violent criminal and rapist. Enjoy.
Everything is better with a little rape
I don't particularly care if people have rape fantasies but it's a little hard to sell a rapist as a viable romantic prospect. Many an author seems to believe that if the guy is hot, it's not rape. Hate to break it to you, lady, but if she stuggles away and says no, it's rape even if the guy is an Adonis and she has the best orgasm of her life (that's another point - if one is being raped, I fail to see why the mere fact of the guy being hot would matter enough to make one aroused. It's one thing if it's a weird form of kinky play or the woman has some odd rape fetish tastes, but in novels it is never presented this way).
Medieval Russian Vegetarians FTW
Ah yes. Please make sure whichever characteristics you give your protagonists, they are at least vaguely consistent with the time period. Vegentarianism is, no doubt, a praiseworthy lifestyle, and there are a number of time-periods and cultures where you can have a vegetarian heroine. The court of Ivan the Terrible is not one of them. I remember laughing myself sick reading some romance novel where court lady at Ivan's court was a tender, fluffy-bunny vegetarian. Indeed. There was also a novel where a medieval heroine happily cooked potatoes and tomatoes for her kin. She also had a dowry of 50,000 pounds which was probably the entire annual budget of the Crown at the time. Just a teeny bit of research won't kill you, I promise.
There are other people living in England beside Earls
If the romance novels are any indication, 18th-19th century England was filled shoulder-to-shoulder with hot young noblemen, so much so that if you added even one more, England would get so crowded some of them would start falling off into the sea for lack of space. There can't be that many of them! What's wrong about having an untitled hero? Or even *gasp* a merchant or a lawyer? Or, and I know this is shocking, a working-class one? The horrors, the horrors, I know. But it might be fun.
What are your pet peeves?
Here they are.
Pets are great and so are lovers but I fail to see the need to combine them both
I am referring to the new popularity for were-anythings. I believe that if heroine wants someone who drools, rolls around in mud, and has a potential for biting, she should get a dog. I really do not get the recent obsession with romance novel heroes which bark at the moon a few times a month. Leaving anything else aside, the shedding has got to be horrendous. I fail to see anything sexy in a man who is a leopard, a tiger, or a swan (indeed!) part of the time. If I want to see a wild animal, I will go to the zoo. I suppose this would be heaven for a furry, however.
The word 'mate' should never be used outside of a nature documentary
Self-evident. Usually used in novels where the heroine or hero is a were-something. Who can imagine anything sexier than your significant other referring to what you do in bed together in terms usually used on Discovery Channel? Also, anyone who can refer to their significant other as a 'mate' without laughing is probably someone I do not want to be around.
Devil is not an acceptable boy's name
Ahhhh, who doesn't want to name their delightful bundle of joy Devil or Satan or Sin or Prizefighter? OK, I kid about that last one (I hope) but I have certainly seen all the other ones in various romance novels as names of the macho macho heroes. JR Ward's entire series is a horrifying lesson in what atrocities one can perpetrate with a naming scheme if one has a crazed imagination and utter disregard for spelling (Rhevenge? Really?) Let's face it, unless part of hero's secret sorrow is that he is a child of devil worshippers or hippies with a sense of irony, he is NOT going to be named Lucifer. Just take it on faith. Especially in a period novel unless the parents want him in the neighborhood ducking pond while they get burned for being satan-worshippers. Which leads me directly to my next point.
Jessica is NOT a medieval name
When you think of names Jessica or Jason a lot of things come to mind. Medieval individuals are not one of those. Yet all these and more are names I have seen in novels set in 12th century or 15th century or what not. I don't care how fierce and manly your Saxon warrior lord hero is, he is not going to be named Dirk. Hrothgar or Abeordan, possibly, Dirk - no. If you hate the period-appropriate names so much, perhaps you should write in an era where names you like can at least plausibly be used. No, Eleanor of Acquitaine isn't going to have a court lady named Marissa. Your Victorian heroine will not be named Jennifer. Muriel and Ida may not roll off your tongue the same way, but trust me, at least they will not leave any reader of yours with any familiarity with any time period before 1960 rolling her eyes and laughing.
The Case of the Improbable Virgin
You all know the scenario - the heroine may be a widow, kidnapped by pirates, even a courtesan or a harem girl, but she has never been with anyone but a hero regardless. Good Lord must have intervened himself, otherwise I am not sure how that could ever occur. And even if she is not *gasp* a virgin, she must have been a victim of rape (for hero to heal her with his penis) or, at the most, never enjoyed it before with her previous boyfriend/husband. Just once I want a courtesan heroine who knows what she is doing in the sack.
Who doesn't want to die of influenza or smallpox?
I have a special loathing for time-travel novels in which modern heroine goes back in time and decides to stay there, abandoning all her modern family and friends, not to mention healthcare and lack of endemic violence, in order to live with a studly hunk. I want to take the silly twit and shake her, asking: "you do realize there are no antibiotics, you have few rights, you can die in childbirth, you can never travel much due to logistics, you new husband will be off on regular murdering and raping expeditions, and you and your new loved ones are subject to a high chance of violent death" whenever some modern day PhD ditches it all to shack up with a Viking.
Pirates, God's gentlest creatures
There are some professions where the author has to bend over backwards to be able to convince me that the hero should shack up with the heroine instead of being hanged - pirates, highwaymen. But usually she believes that having the man in question be sexy and have an open shirt is enough. Heroine, I hate to tell you, but unless you found the world's sole Quaker Pirate, he probably has enough STDs to fill up a hospital ward and is a repeat violent criminal and rapist. Enjoy.
Everything is better with a little rape
I don't particularly care if people have rape fantasies but it's a little hard to sell a rapist as a viable romantic prospect. Many an author seems to believe that if the guy is hot, it's not rape. Hate to break it to you, lady, but if she stuggles away and says no, it's rape even if the guy is an Adonis and she has the best orgasm of her life (that's another point - if one is being raped, I fail to see why the mere fact of the guy being hot would matter enough to make one aroused. It's one thing if it's a weird form of kinky play or the woman has some odd rape fetish tastes, but in novels it is never presented this way).
Medieval Russian Vegetarians FTW
Ah yes. Please make sure whichever characteristics you give your protagonists, they are at least vaguely consistent with the time period. Vegentarianism is, no doubt, a praiseworthy lifestyle, and there are a number of time-periods and cultures where you can have a vegetarian heroine. The court of Ivan the Terrible is not one of them. I remember laughing myself sick reading some romance novel where court lady at Ivan's court was a tender, fluffy-bunny vegetarian. Indeed. There was also a novel where a medieval heroine happily cooked potatoes and tomatoes for her kin. She also had a dowry of 50,000 pounds which was probably the entire annual budget of the Crown at the time. Just a teeny bit of research won't kill you, I promise.
There are other people living in England beside Earls
If the romance novels are any indication, 18th-19th century England was filled shoulder-to-shoulder with hot young noblemen, so much so that if you added even one more, England would get so crowded some of them would start falling off into the sea for lack of space. There can't be that many of them! What's wrong about having an untitled hero? Or even *gasp* a merchant or a lawyer? Or, and I know this is shocking, a working-class one? The horrors, the horrors, I know. But it might be fun.
What are your pet peeves?