Open Letters to Pick the Stars characters
After watching ep 15 of Pick the Stars, my feelings of rage can only be contained in a series of open letters.
Dear Secondary Hag -
You bugfuck insane vicious bitch - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You have achieved your objective, roping in your stalking victim, only through blackmail and the man loathes the sight of you. Let's see, should you
(a) ehhhh, it's clearly not working out, what kind of miserable marriage would this be? Tell him you changed your mind.
(b) he might hate you but he's hot - you tell him marriage to him would be miserable but nobody needs love for a one-night-stand - revise your blackmail to this more sustainable objective.
(c) You are an optimist. He may not love you now but with some patience (which you can afford to exercise seeing you guys are engaged) he will!
(d) How dare he not be ecstatic! Your shall yell at him and threaten him and be offended he is not excited by your wedding dress and try to make his life even more miserable than it already is. Did I mention the part about slapping his housekeeper because you think he may like her? I mean, you won him fair and square through blackmail of the worst kind - how dare he not be in love with you and how dare some other hussy be in his vicinity even?
If you picked (d), congrats, Secondary Hag.
I honestly do not get what goes through your head. You are ecstatic about marrying someone who cannot stand you and makes his feelings clear. Leaving aside the monumental evilness - what kind of marriage do you think you will have?
Please die painfully in a fire,
- Me.
Dear Jun Ha a.k.a. Slimy Younger Brother I Hate -
I have a confession to make - at one point of the episode I fantasized about twisting your head right off. Objectively speaking you are a very good-looking man but I am afraid I will not be able to picture your actor, Shin Dong Wook, in anything else without shuddering.
I don't hate you because you are an OTP interloper - you are not. I hate you because of (a) your long and devoted championship of the Hag getting what she wants. All well and good but what she wants is your brother who is clearly going borderline mental because of it all. Shouldn't you be mildly concerned about it as you know he hates her - as opposed to getting in his face and making things worse; (b) your trying to manipulate Pal Kang. I don't care if your effort to get her to fall for you so Hag could have a clear path gotten transmuted into genuine feelings. I don't care. You know why? Because you are wooing her without any clear idea of a final goal or responsibility or anything - it's because this is fun. Doing this to a woman who needs to claw her way out of poverty and has five small children to support is unconscionable. Ooooh, how fun, making her fall for you - unless you are sure you will be ready to take responsibility for her and her brood, doing this is sick sick sick. (Heck, Kang Ha's feeling is a genuine one for sure and he never did a pushy wooing of any sort because he realized that. He's supposed to be the emotionally-challenged one. I guess you are just evil).
I laughed so hard at you when you lunged to hug Pal Kang when you saw your brother (so he'd misunderstand) in a classic evil-other trick and Pal Kang shoved you off and yelled at you and your stupid trick failed.
Go away and die please. Take Hag with you.
No love,
- Me.
Dear Tae Gyu -
Grow the fuck up.
- Me
Dear Pal Kang -
You are awesome and a trooper and I have no idea how you manage coping with a stressful job, raising 5 kids AND dealing with 3 men who drive you insane plus an evil Hag. My hat is off to you and I adore you. But please please don't cry - I know learning your parents were murdered is horrifying, but please don't cry. It makes me almost as upset as it does Kang Ha and I can't reach through the screen and give you a hug.
P.S. When hag slaps you, please slap her back. Hard enough to break her nose.
P.P.S. He's hot, he's in love with you, and he doesn't lock his door at night. What are you waiting for? Go for it, girl, I am dying for some OTP action here!
All my love,
- Me
Dear Kang Ha -
You were totally dying to hold her and comfort her when she was crying. DO IT. Then maybe you can lean in and kiss her, too, for good measure, before I expire from all the UST.
Also, I feel really really awful for you and your incipient nervous breakdown but it has a simple solution - TELL HUG TO PLEASE BUG OFF. Your brother is a slimeball who deserves all the hurt he gets, but even if not, he is a grown-up and he will get over the birth stuff and you are still brothers whatever the parentage. I know it's hard for you to grasp that with your abused background, so get Parang to tell you about how all his siblings are not related either. Maybe he could do it ASAP if you didn't kick him out of your bedroom - and what was the point of that, pray? It made him unhappy and made you feel awful.
In conclusion - I am totally impressed by how awesome you turned out to be.
Keep up the good work,
- Me.
P.S. FOR GOD'S SAKE GRAB HER AND KISS HER AND THEN MAKE OUT AGAINST THE WALL!
Dear Secondary Hag -
You bugfuck insane vicious bitch - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You have achieved your objective, roping in your stalking victim, only through blackmail and the man loathes the sight of you. Let's see, should you
(a) ehhhh, it's clearly not working out, what kind of miserable marriage would this be? Tell him you changed your mind.
(b) he might hate you but he's hot - you tell him marriage to him would be miserable but nobody needs love for a one-night-stand - revise your blackmail to this more sustainable objective.
(c) You are an optimist. He may not love you now but with some patience (which you can afford to exercise seeing you guys are engaged) he will!
(d) How dare he not be ecstatic! Your shall yell at him and threaten him and be offended he is not excited by your wedding dress and try to make his life even more miserable than it already is. Did I mention the part about slapping his housekeeper because you think he may like her? I mean, you won him fair and square through blackmail of the worst kind - how dare he not be in love with you and how dare some other hussy be in his vicinity even?
If you picked (d), congrats, Secondary Hag.
I honestly do not get what goes through your head. You are ecstatic about marrying someone who cannot stand you and makes his feelings clear. Leaving aside the monumental evilness - what kind of marriage do you think you will have?
Please die painfully in a fire,
- Me.
Dear Jun Ha a.k.a. Slimy Younger Brother I Hate -
I have a confession to make - at one point of the episode I fantasized about twisting your head right off. Objectively speaking you are a very good-looking man but I am afraid I will not be able to picture your actor, Shin Dong Wook, in anything else without shuddering.
I don't hate you because you are an OTP interloper - you are not. I hate you because of (a) your long and devoted championship of the Hag getting what she wants. All well and good but what she wants is your brother who is clearly going borderline mental because of it all. Shouldn't you be mildly concerned about it as you know he hates her - as opposed to getting in his face and making things worse; (b) your trying to manipulate Pal Kang. I don't care if your effort to get her to fall for you so Hag could have a clear path gotten transmuted into genuine feelings. I don't care. You know why? Because you are wooing her without any clear idea of a final goal or responsibility or anything - it's because this is fun. Doing this to a woman who needs to claw her way out of poverty and has five small children to support is unconscionable. Ooooh, how fun, making her fall for you - unless you are sure you will be ready to take responsibility for her and her brood, doing this is sick sick sick. (Heck, Kang Ha's feeling is a genuine one for sure and he never did a pushy wooing of any sort because he realized that. He's supposed to be the emotionally-challenged one. I guess you are just evil).
I laughed so hard at you when you lunged to hug Pal Kang when you saw your brother (so he'd misunderstand) in a classic evil-other trick and Pal Kang shoved you off and yelled at you and your stupid trick failed.
Go away and die please. Take Hag with you.
No love,
- Me.
Dear Tae Gyu -
Grow the fuck up.
- Me
Dear Pal Kang -
You are awesome and a trooper and I have no idea how you manage coping with a stressful job, raising 5 kids AND dealing with 3 men who drive you insane plus an evil Hag. My hat is off to you and I adore you. But please please don't cry - I know learning your parents were murdered is horrifying, but please don't cry. It makes me almost as upset as it does Kang Ha and I can't reach through the screen and give you a hug.
P.S. When hag slaps you, please slap her back. Hard enough to break her nose.
P.P.S. He's hot, he's in love with you, and he doesn't lock his door at night. What are you waiting for? Go for it, girl, I am dying for some OTP action here!
All my love,
- Me
Dear Kang Ha -
You were totally dying to hold her and comfort her when she was crying. DO IT. Then maybe you can lean in and kiss her, too, for good measure, before I expire from all the UST.
Also, I feel really really awful for you and your incipient nervous breakdown but it has a simple solution - TELL HUG TO PLEASE BUG OFF. Your brother is a slimeball who deserves all the hurt he gets, but even if not, he is a grown-up and he will get over the birth stuff and you are still brothers whatever the parentage. I know it's hard for you to grasp that with your abused background, so get Parang to tell you about how all his siblings are not related either. Maybe he could do it ASAP if you didn't kick him out of your bedroom - and what was the point of that, pray? It made him unhappy and made you feel awful.
In conclusion - I am totally impressed by how awesome you turned out to be.
Keep up the good work,
- Me.
P.S. FOR GOD'S SAKE GRAB HER AND KISS HER AND THEN MAKE OUT AGAINST THE WALL!