A Guide to Kdrama Hero-hood. An Exciting and Useful Job Primer (tm)
So, bored with your current life and considering being a drama hero? Well, before you sell all your belongings and move to Seoul, perhaps a little job guide will be of help? After all, you may want to know what occupations you may be able to find as a kdrama hero - it is important to be able to eat.
BUSINESSMAN
Do you like to paint? Have you won an award for your amazing writing? Do you have the concentration and brain-power of a five-year-old? TOO BAD. Whatever you may think you would like or are equipped to do, you are likely to end up as a BUSINESSMAN. No profession is as ubiquitous as this one - the hero may struggle mightily against it, but no matter how he starts, he is doomed to be a businessman anyway. On the plus side, if you are a BUSINESSMAN, you drive a fancy car and wear a nice suit. However, having the heroine call you "Director" or "Team Leader" all the time is probably off-putting. What if she keeps it up in bed?
CELEBRITY
Congratulations, somehow you managed to escape becoming a BUSINESSMAN! We are still figuring out how. But now you are a sportsman/actor/rock star/author. Enjoy the groupies and the drugs!
...
Gotcha! Not so fast! You are in a Korean drama, not on the set of Almost Famous. What you will get, being a CELEBRITY, is a horrifying wardrobe designed by the blind, a callous ex from hell, and despite any real world expectation to the contrary, a warm and lonely heart which longs only for that special woman to cherish forever, an unspoiled and childish spirit which yearns only for that special woman to cherish forever, and a really really hot body which yearns only for that special woman to cherish forever. Unfortunately, that latter happens off-screen.
Sort of.
THUG
THUG, and its better-paid cousins, MOBSTER or MERCENARY, are the jobs of those who like a little violence with their paycheck. THUGS can be contemporary or live in Ancient Korea (in the latter case, their sexiness quotient is upped by their appealing swordplay and lack of weird hats such as worn by more upstanding members of the populace). They can occasionally decide to go legit as BODYGUARDS. But it does not matter - a THUG is still a THUG. If you like showing your artistically bloodied pecs and dislike combing your hair or shaving, this is the job for you. One word of warning however, before you decide to take up this offer to swagger and never bathe - you will probably die in the arms of your girlfriend as she sobs over your body to prove crime does not pay. At the very least, you will endure beatings enough to break every bone in your body.
Bet these suits and an MBA look mighty good now?
PRISONER/SCAMMER/GIGOLO
Often, but not always, combined with THUG, these low-lives are always tragic and irresistable. Devastatingly attractive (yet somehow escaping attentions of other men in prison), they try to rebuild their shattered lives (or conversely scam women and other individuals in hopes of wealth). But it's OK - only the direst necessity led them to their horrible lifestyle - prepare to be reformed by the love of a good woman, whether you want to or not!
ROYAL
"A-ha! How bad can that be?" you must be thinking to yourself. "How hard is it to boss people around and sit on a big shiny chair?" Oh, my poor deluded friend! For one, unless you are in the world of Goong, welcome to 1600 AD or 300 AD or even 3000 BC - enjoy the world before antibiotics and good luck not dying of sepsis! Oh, and there is the fact that your family would probably make a snake pit seem nice and cuddly and that you will probably start out in the gutter and have to claw your way to the top.
Note: only those with ability to wear Korean Beard (tm) need apply. BYO Sword.
GOVERNMENT AGENT
If you are a pure soul longing to serve your country, you have come to the right place. Or if you are an adrenalin junkie, who likes to stay on the right side of the law, you are good too. You get guns, nifty haircuts, and clothes which, being understated, are not an eye-sore. You also get enough PTSD to blanket all of North Korea, amount of torture to make even Marquis de Sade blink, and possibly a bullet to the head at the end. On the bright side - your girlfriend will probably be super-cool and super-understanding. That super-understanding will come in handy because you'll probably have to torture her to save her life, forcibly smooch her so she'll believe you are someone else and run away and be saved, or abandon her to go on death-defying missions without even a note due to secrecy. Good luck getting laid after those little stunts!
OK, I lied. There is no upside to this job whatsoever.
FARMER
You will never starve. Also, unlikely to die as profession is too prosaic for long, drawn-out death scenes. It is not tragic for hero to choke on a corn-cob. Also get to wear floppy hat to keep sun off head, thus preventing skin cancer. In fact, unless you live to go clubbing, there are no downsides to this profession and we are still puzzled as to why this is such a neglected profession. Oh wait - that is because it takes place outside of Seoul and we know that outside of Seoul does not exist.
STUDENT
Poor little woobie. If you want to be a STUDENT, you are definitely in the minority. High-school or college, your lot is the same. You will probably fall in love with your teacher and smooch them in a passion-filled kiss - you know, the one where you press lips together and hold without moving, standing as stiffly as if you are licking a raw dead fish.
REVOLUTIONARY
Do you like to:
a. rail against institutionalized opression which will continue long after you are dead
b. get tortured
c. get killed
d. watch your family and your girlfriend get killed
e. all of the above.
If you picked (e), we think we have a career for you!
Just don't.
Honest.
SERVANT
Yes, people will laugh at you when they find out what you do. Yes, this job means you have the testosterone and pride of a mouse. Yes, you have to wear butler-type outfits and say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" all day like a parrot.
BUT. All the free booze you can embezzle and the rich lady of the house will probably fall for you.
DOCTOR
You are probably a genius with a gruff manner and a tragic past. You are also likely to get wounded often enough to need your own hospital - that's probably how you got into the profession - to save on medical bills. If I were you, I'd rather become a LAWYER. Have you seen them bathe in blood in their expensive suits?
LAWYER
Spiffy suit, snazzy suitcase, an icy or playboy manner hiding inner wounds and guaranteed to melt under the onslaught of women with kids. I think we have a Dangermousie Job Winner (tm).
All kdrama LAWYERS must be absolute geniuses - they never spend any time working and yet win all their cases and live in a style plutocrats only aspire to. Good job!
Note: if you do not want to waste time melting your LAWYER, go for the DISTRICT ATTORNEY variety - they come pre-melted.
CHEF
Like to eat, yell at people freely, and not die of terminal diseases? Become a CHEF. It's a safe job if too boring to merit a nice long description. Pick this one and you'll have enough kimchi to last forever.
OTHER
Hello, as rare as a unicorn, OTHER! I love you!
BUSINESSMAN
Do you like to paint? Have you won an award for your amazing writing? Do you have the concentration and brain-power of a five-year-old? TOO BAD. Whatever you may think you would like or are equipped to do, you are likely to end up as a BUSINESSMAN. No profession is as ubiquitous as this one - the hero may struggle mightily against it, but no matter how he starts, he is doomed to be a businessman anyway. On the plus side, if you are a BUSINESSMAN, you drive a fancy car and wear a nice suit. However, having the heroine call you "Director" or "Team Leader" all the time is probably off-putting. What if she keeps it up in bed?
CELEBRITY
Congratulations, somehow you managed to escape becoming a BUSINESSMAN! We are still figuring out how. But now you are a sportsman/actor/rock star/author. Enjoy the groupies and the drugs!
...
Gotcha! Not so fast! You are in a Korean drama, not on the set of Almost Famous. What you will get, being a CELEBRITY, is a horrifying wardrobe designed by the blind, a callous ex from hell, and despite any real world expectation to the contrary, a warm and lonely heart which longs only for that special woman to cherish forever, an unspoiled and childish spirit which yearns only for that special woman to cherish forever, and a really really hot body which yearns only for that special woman to cherish forever. Unfortunately, that latter happens off-screen.
Sort of.
THUG
THUG, and its better-paid cousins, MOBSTER or MERCENARY, are the jobs of those who like a little violence with their paycheck. THUGS can be contemporary or live in Ancient Korea (in the latter case, their sexiness quotient is upped by their appealing swordplay and lack of weird hats such as worn by more upstanding members of the populace). They can occasionally decide to go legit as BODYGUARDS. But it does not matter - a THUG is still a THUG. If you like showing your artistically bloodied pecs and dislike combing your hair or shaving, this is the job for you. One word of warning however, before you decide to take up this offer to swagger and never bathe - you will probably die in the arms of your girlfriend as she sobs over your body to prove crime does not pay. At the very least, you will endure beatings enough to break every bone in your body.
Bet these suits and an MBA look mighty good now?
PRISONER/SCAMMER/GIGOLO
Often, but not always, combined with THUG, these low-lives are always tragic and irresistable. Devastatingly attractive (yet somehow escaping attentions of other men in prison), they try to rebuild their shattered lives (or conversely scam women and other individuals in hopes of wealth). But it's OK - only the direst necessity led them to their horrible lifestyle - prepare to be reformed by the love of a good woman, whether you want to or not!
ROYAL
"A-ha! How bad can that be?" you must be thinking to yourself. "How hard is it to boss people around and sit on a big shiny chair?" Oh, my poor deluded friend! For one, unless you are in the world of Goong, welcome to 1600 AD or 300 AD or even 3000 BC - enjoy the world before antibiotics and good luck not dying of sepsis! Oh, and there is the fact that your family would probably make a snake pit seem nice and cuddly and that you will probably start out in the gutter and have to claw your way to the top.
Note: only those with ability to wear Korean Beard (tm) need apply. BYO Sword.
GOVERNMENT AGENT
If you are a pure soul longing to serve your country, you have come to the right place. Or if you are an adrenalin junkie, who likes to stay on the right side of the law, you are good too. You get guns, nifty haircuts, and clothes which, being understated, are not an eye-sore. You also get enough PTSD to blanket all of North Korea, amount of torture to make even Marquis de Sade blink, and possibly a bullet to the head at the end. On the bright side - your girlfriend will probably be super-cool and super-understanding. That super-understanding will come in handy because you'll probably have to torture her to save her life, forcibly smooch her so she'll believe you are someone else and run away and be saved, or abandon her to go on death-defying missions without even a note due to secrecy. Good luck getting laid after those little stunts!
OK, I lied. There is no upside to this job whatsoever.
FARMER
You will never starve. Also, unlikely to die as profession is too prosaic for long, drawn-out death scenes. It is not tragic for hero to choke on a corn-cob. Also get to wear floppy hat to keep sun off head, thus preventing skin cancer. In fact, unless you live to go clubbing, there are no downsides to this profession and we are still puzzled as to why this is such a neglected profession. Oh wait - that is because it takes place outside of Seoul and we know that outside of Seoul does not exist.
STUDENT
Poor little woobie. If you want to be a STUDENT, you are definitely in the minority. High-school or college, your lot is the same. You will probably fall in love with your teacher and smooch them in a passion-filled kiss - you know, the one where you press lips together and hold without moving, standing as stiffly as if you are licking a raw dead fish.
REVOLUTIONARY
Do you like to:
a. rail against institutionalized opression which will continue long after you are dead
b. get tortured
c. get killed
d. watch your family and your girlfriend get killed
e. all of the above.
If you picked (e), we think we have a career for you!
Just don't.
Honest.
SERVANT
Yes, people will laugh at you when they find out what you do. Yes, this job means you have the testosterone and pride of a mouse. Yes, you have to wear butler-type outfits and say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" all day like a parrot.
BUT. All the free booze you can embezzle and the rich lady of the house will probably fall for you.
DOCTOR
You are probably a genius with a gruff manner and a tragic past. You are also likely to get wounded often enough to need your own hospital - that's probably how you got into the profession - to save on medical bills. If I were you, I'd rather become a LAWYER. Have you seen them bathe in blood in their expensive suits?
LAWYER
Spiffy suit, snazzy suitcase, an icy or playboy manner hiding inner wounds and guaranteed to melt under the onslaught of women with kids. I think we have a Dangermousie Job Winner (tm).
All kdrama LAWYERS must be absolute geniuses - they never spend any time working and yet win all their cases and live in a style plutocrats only aspire to. Good job!
Note: if you do not want to waste time melting your LAWYER, go for the DISTRICT ATTORNEY variety - they come pre-melted.
CHEF
Like to eat, yell at people freely, and not die of terminal diseases? Become a CHEF. It's a safe job if too boring to merit a nice long description. Pick this one and you'll have enough kimchi to last forever.
OTHER
Hello, as rare as a unicorn, OTHER! I love you!