Thoughts on Pride, ep 3 rewatch
I just ate a toasted cheese sandwich and french fries at 5 in the morning. Ahhh, jetlag.
However, said jetlag enabled me to watch ep 3 of Pride too, which is a good thing.
Oh, how do they know to make the ending of each ep precisely so my bones would melt?
The end, with the empty rink, and Halu sitting there, and Aki finding him and them going for a ride on zamboni so it could just be the two of them for a moment longer because 'It's what Halu wants.' 'It's what Aki wants.' *dies* Also, how does Kimura do intense so well? It's like he has more attention on Aki than should be humanly possible.
*swoon*
Halu is a very closed-off, self-sufficient person, isn't he? Because he had to be. He is very bad at explanation, and not only that, but some perverse part of him prefers people to leave him alone, which wouldn't happen if he explained himself. Because explaining yourself would make you vulnerable, wouldn't it?
Look at the whole situation with Makoto. He clearly likes him, and his actions earlier on are motivated by letting him make his own choice (whether be terrified by risk of injury, not play well and leave, or put his best in), and of course, at the end, when Makoto decides, he does put the game at risk to enable Makoto to do an assist. But he is OK with letting the team think he is selling Makoto out. Part of it is because he is very much a loner, so he is not good at explanations (though he can be quite good with Aki when he wants), but a part of him perversely enjoys being thought of worse than he is. That way he can't trust in their concern, get attached, and then they leave.
It's what his friends talk about in the beginning, as it relates to his love life: he can't bear to be left, so he'd rather leave first (but wants to be thought of as a good person so makes expectations clear from the start). It applies not just to love, for him. His childhood really did a number on him.
I wonder if his punishing drive for perfection arises from a lack of self-worth? It's pretty clear in this episode that Halu doesn't like himself much, but I also wonder if he also thinks he is not worth anything unless he is objectively good at something. According to that way of thinking: he, Halu, has no intrinsic worth. Any worth comes from being good at something and maybe one day that will make him good enough? I mean, if even his own mother didn't think he was worth sticking around for...Poor guy, he is messed up, isn't he?
That is why he needs people like Yamato, and even more, Aki around. They believe he is good. He really needs Aki, doesn't he? She is strong without being cold or standoffish, caring and always there without being pushover. She will make him explain himself, give him no slack, but she will also come after him when it's needed (when he walks out after saying he agrees Makoto needs to be canned. I love that diner scene so much). She will tell him he might be a cold person (and I love that it bothers him. Which of course proves, if it needed to be proven, that he is not. If he was, that comment would not bother him). But she will also follow him and take his hand when he sees Makoto weeping, as if sharing his burden.
He tries to put walls with her too (when he tries to act as if it all does not bother him. And she tells her mind, and says if he is like that, "No one can be with you" and when she turns away...his face) but he can't help but want to be let in, with her: because she is so steady, because after telling him that, she still sticks with him, because she is not sure, she thinks he is putting up a front (he is, of course). She will not let him get away with nonsense, but it's beginning to sink in, for him, she will not abandon him, either (see the handholding thing).
It's a dangerous drug: this understanding, adult companionship, quiet when it needs to be and not sentimental but emotionally strong. All the characteristics of Aki. He is getting used to not being lonely, unconsciously, without knowing it, and without having the will to resist.
The closest he had to this before was his friendship with Yamato, but it's not the same: Yamato is a loved younger brother, really. But he and Aki are equals, in every sense of the word. She can match him for stubborness, for strength, for caring (because he is a caring person, as shown through actions, not words). Their characters are different but complimentary. And she supplies warmth which he so desperately lacks. (When we see him later in the ep with his mother, it's true that in some ways, Halu never had the chance to grow up past that neediness for unconditional love and validation. He believes he won't get it, so he rejects its existence, but he is really a child at heart in his neediness for that).
In other news, I continue to adore Yamato and his friendship with Halu, and his newly-found friendship with Aki. In these early eps, he is sort of an intermediary. Halu is a difficult person to interpret and he helps Aki sometimes. Because I think he sees she could be good for Halu. And of course we get a hint towards his future backstory when he casually mentions to Aki he hated hockey in high school. She assumes it's a self-deprecating comment but of course it's not (Self-punishment, thy name is Yamato).
Also, how sweet is he with Yuri? I like the little subtle intimation that he and Yuri made love. Mmmm.
But I want to finish with, of course, that amazing last scene of the ep: Halu and Aki on the ice and the warmth and the staring and the perfect companionship. So much love.
However, said jetlag enabled me to watch ep 3 of Pride too, which is a good thing.
Oh, how do they know to make the ending of each ep precisely so my bones would melt?
The end, with the empty rink, and Halu sitting there, and Aki finding him and them going for a ride on zamboni so it could just be the two of them for a moment longer because 'It's what Halu wants.' 'It's what Aki wants.' *dies* Also, how does Kimura do intense so well? It's like he has more attention on Aki than should be humanly possible.
*swoon*
Halu is a very closed-off, self-sufficient person, isn't he? Because he had to be. He is very bad at explanation, and not only that, but some perverse part of him prefers people to leave him alone, which wouldn't happen if he explained himself. Because explaining yourself would make you vulnerable, wouldn't it?
Look at the whole situation with Makoto. He clearly likes him, and his actions earlier on are motivated by letting him make his own choice (whether be terrified by risk of injury, not play well and leave, or put his best in), and of course, at the end, when Makoto decides, he does put the game at risk to enable Makoto to do an assist. But he is OK with letting the team think he is selling Makoto out. Part of it is because he is very much a loner, so he is not good at explanations (though he can be quite good with Aki when he wants), but a part of him perversely enjoys being thought of worse than he is. That way he can't trust in their concern, get attached, and then they leave.
It's what his friends talk about in the beginning, as it relates to his love life: he can't bear to be left, so he'd rather leave first (but wants to be thought of as a good person so makes expectations clear from the start). It applies not just to love, for him. His childhood really did a number on him.
I wonder if his punishing drive for perfection arises from a lack of self-worth? It's pretty clear in this episode that Halu doesn't like himself much, but I also wonder if he also thinks he is not worth anything unless he is objectively good at something. According to that way of thinking: he, Halu, has no intrinsic worth. Any worth comes from being good at something and maybe one day that will make him good enough? I mean, if even his own mother didn't think he was worth sticking around for...Poor guy, he is messed up, isn't he?
That is why he needs people like Yamato, and even more, Aki around. They believe he is good. He really needs Aki, doesn't he? She is strong without being cold or standoffish, caring and always there without being pushover. She will make him explain himself, give him no slack, but she will also come after him when it's needed (when he walks out after saying he agrees Makoto needs to be canned. I love that diner scene so much). She will tell him he might be a cold person (and I love that it bothers him. Which of course proves, if it needed to be proven, that he is not. If he was, that comment would not bother him). But she will also follow him and take his hand when he sees Makoto weeping, as if sharing his burden.
He tries to put walls with her too (when he tries to act as if it all does not bother him. And she tells her mind, and says if he is like that, "No one can be with you" and when she turns away...his face) but he can't help but want to be let in, with her: because she is so steady, because after telling him that, she still sticks with him, because she is not sure, she thinks he is putting up a front (he is, of course). She will not let him get away with nonsense, but it's beginning to sink in, for him, she will not abandon him, either (see the handholding thing).
It's a dangerous drug: this understanding, adult companionship, quiet when it needs to be and not sentimental but emotionally strong. All the characteristics of Aki. He is getting used to not being lonely, unconsciously, without knowing it, and without having the will to resist.
The closest he had to this before was his friendship with Yamato, but it's not the same: Yamato is a loved younger brother, really. But he and Aki are equals, in every sense of the word. She can match him for stubborness, for strength, for caring (because he is a caring person, as shown through actions, not words). Their characters are different but complimentary. And she supplies warmth which he so desperately lacks. (When we see him later in the ep with his mother, it's true that in some ways, Halu never had the chance to grow up past that neediness for unconditional love and validation. He believes he won't get it, so he rejects its existence, but he is really a child at heart in his neediness for that).
In other news, I continue to adore Yamato and his friendship with Halu, and his newly-found friendship with Aki. In these early eps, he is sort of an intermediary. Halu is a difficult person to interpret and he helps Aki sometimes. Because I think he sees she could be good for Halu. And of course we get a hint towards his future backstory when he casually mentions to Aki he hated hockey in high school. She assumes it's a self-deprecating comment but of course it's not (Self-punishment, thy name is Yamato).
Also, how sweet is he with Yuri? I like the little subtle intimation that he and Yuri made love. Mmmm.
But I want to finish with, of course, that amazing last scene of the ep: Halu and Aki on the ice and the warmth and the staring and the perfect companionship. So much love.