Advice to Characters in Fantasy, SciFi or Wuxia-land
I was thinking about my old, old, old post of fictional character advice and decided to rework it. Here is the results and the advice.
The Hero’s True Love: No matter The Hero’s hotness, you should say no. You should stick to it even if he is your ideal man times 10. No need for last minute confessions if you think he/you/both are about to die, as he is The Hero, and of course you will be rescued. However, if you do hook up, you will never be able to enjoy that romantic weekend getaway you’ve always dreamed about, as his work will invariably interrupt. Date a plumber instead. He can say “it can go to Hell” without being literal, as the emergency is likely to involve merely leaky pipes. In addition, if you persist in your course, you are likely to die tragically, in order to enable The Hero to either free himself from fleshly desires and die in saving the World or to go Evil as he has nothing left. Either way, there is nothing in it for you. Dying old and ugly beats dying young and pretty.
The Villain: You are the smartest character in the story. Admittedly, that is not hard since all the other characters rely on their charming good looks, destiny, or magical amulets, while you are forced to rely solely on yourself. Yet invariably The Hero beats you. The Hero’s True Love beats you. The Faithful Sidekick beats you. The Faithful Sidekick’s second cousin’s roommate’s dog beats you. Shouldn’t all of this have given a clue to someone of your intelligence? Gather all your loot and retire peacefully to a distant place to enjoy your ill-gotten gains. Leave the Kingdom/Empire/Island/Planet to the Hero. See how he likes dealing with Tax Problems, Boundary Disputes, and Water Rights.
The Faithful Sidekick: You might die to help The Hero or to make him seek revenge. But that is by no means certain. You might even survive to lead a peaceful life. However, unless you like doing half the work and getting none of the praise, The Faithful Sidekick is not a gig for you. And even if you are content to labor in the shadow, go work for The Villain instead. He pays better.
The Hero: Yours is a pitiable lot. The fact that you have a reputation as The Best Warrior/The Prophesied Savior/The Rebel Leader/The Chosen One leads to any amount of cocky minor baddies trying to prove their mettle against you. Of course you will always win, but it is exhausting and wreaks havoc with your social life. In addition, no sane woman would want to become your True Love, and you can’t even take advantage of your stunning good looks to seduce random wenches, as it would impair your Hero status. You have no money, no fun, and when your loved ones die, it is always because of you. In fact, you yourself are likely to have to die for the good of the World. You can’t even join the Villain, as that would only lead to your suffering, eventual redemption and death. Why don’t you just save yourself decades of misery and kill yourself now?
The Hero’s Parents: You are kind and loving. Unfortunately you are forced to die when the Hero is young as a character-building exercise. Alternatively, you might wander for decades incognito, as the Hero seeks either your advice or your life. None of this sounds like fun, so if you suspect your child is The Hero, drop him at the local orphanage. Better yet, adopt The Villain instead. That way, someone will have the means to take care of you in your old age.
The Comic Relief: Your position is enviable. True, half the Fandom might hate you, and The Villain will never tremble at your name. However, nobody ever kills the Comic Relief, and women are attracted to men who can make them laugh and who won’t make them into The Hero’s True Love.
I really must do a drama version of this.
The Hero’s True Love: No matter The Hero’s hotness, you should say no. You should stick to it even if he is your ideal man times 10. No need for last minute confessions if you think he/you/both are about to die, as he is The Hero, and of course you will be rescued. However, if you do hook up, you will never be able to enjoy that romantic weekend getaway you’ve always dreamed about, as his work will invariably interrupt. Date a plumber instead. He can say “it can go to Hell” without being literal, as the emergency is likely to involve merely leaky pipes. In addition, if you persist in your course, you are likely to die tragically, in order to enable The Hero to either free himself from fleshly desires and die in saving the World or to go Evil as he has nothing left. Either way, there is nothing in it for you. Dying old and ugly beats dying young and pretty.
The Villain: You are the smartest character in the story. Admittedly, that is not hard since all the other characters rely on their charming good looks, destiny, or magical amulets, while you are forced to rely solely on yourself. Yet invariably The Hero beats you. The Hero’s True Love beats you. The Faithful Sidekick beats you. The Faithful Sidekick’s second cousin’s roommate’s dog beats you. Shouldn’t all of this have given a clue to someone of your intelligence? Gather all your loot and retire peacefully to a distant place to enjoy your ill-gotten gains. Leave the Kingdom/Empire/Island/Planet to the Hero. See how he likes dealing with Tax Problems, Boundary Disputes, and Water Rights.
The Faithful Sidekick: You might die to help The Hero or to make him seek revenge. But that is by no means certain. You might even survive to lead a peaceful life. However, unless you like doing half the work and getting none of the praise, The Faithful Sidekick is not a gig for you. And even if you are content to labor in the shadow, go work for The Villain instead. He pays better.
The Hero: Yours is a pitiable lot. The fact that you have a reputation as The Best Warrior/The Prophesied Savior/The Rebel Leader/The Chosen One leads to any amount of cocky minor baddies trying to prove their mettle against you. Of course you will always win, but it is exhausting and wreaks havoc with your social life. In addition, no sane woman would want to become your True Love, and you can’t even take advantage of your stunning good looks to seduce random wenches, as it would impair your Hero status. You have no money, no fun, and when your loved ones die, it is always because of you. In fact, you yourself are likely to have to die for the good of the World. You can’t even join the Villain, as that would only lead to your suffering, eventual redemption and death. Why don’t you just save yourself decades of misery and kill yourself now?
The Hero’s Parents: You are kind and loving. Unfortunately you are forced to die when the Hero is young as a character-building exercise. Alternatively, you might wander for decades incognito, as the Hero seeks either your advice or your life. None of this sounds like fun, so if you suspect your child is The Hero, drop him at the local orphanage. Better yet, adopt The Villain instead. That way, someone will have the means to take care of you in your old age.
The Comic Relief: Your position is enviable. True, half the Fandom might hate you, and The Villain will never tremble at your name. However, nobody ever kills the Comic Relief, and women are attracted to men who can make them laugh and who won’t make them into The Hero’s True Love.
I really must do a drama version of this.