(no subject)
I feel broken.
Last week, I spent a day realizing that I have friends who, while they may not despise me per se, they despise my actions and behavior. And, they don’t even have the strength to come to me about it first.. They’d rather hide behind a veil of secrecy while betraying secrets.
They’d rather talk about me behind my back instead of my face.
No, to my face I get much worse. I get a smile. A false smile.
It pains me deeply to know that when I took at my friends, some of them look back upon me with scorn and disdain. While all I see is happiness to see me.
To me, the only thing worse than losing a friend, is having a false friend.
Until last week, I considered myself a good person, a good husband, and a good friend. I always felt that I was someone who would gladly bend over backwards to help someone, and even though I preach making yourself happy first, I don’t follow my own advice.
Apparently, I was wrong.
After reading things about myself and talking to other people, I find that more than one person agrees with this outlook on me and my actions. That my presence and actions make them uncomfortable.
And no one has talked to me about it yet, until now.
No one felt that I was a good enough friend to come to about my acts that defy friendship. I may overreact, I may tell you to sod off, but regardless, I wasn’t aware that I was offensive. And regardless of how I retort, at least I know that I am acting badly, and somewhere along the line I’d stop, or at least take it down a bit. I am half British, after all. (gotta be funny somewhere, that’s just me). A true friend would not wait until a good opportunity arises to make their point on a public forum. A true friend would pull me aside then and there (or at least soon after) and talk to me as a rational adult.
To those who have no idea what the fark I’m talking about, I put a post up, asking your opinion of me, and I do thank you for those who were honest, no matter how much it hurt.
It put a lot into perspective.
I stand to lose more than one friend through this, but at least it shows me who my friends really are.
So to you, I say this.
Your honesty has done more damage than you can imagine. But at least the truth is out, and I know where you stand. I do not blame you. You were just honest. I asked for it, and I found out just how petty I am, since I couldn’t handle it.
So, thank you.
To everyone who feels the same way,
I wish you had come to me and pointed out my fallacies before they reached this point, so that I might have fixed it before this happened. If you did try, and I didn’t listen, I am truly sorry, but rest assured, I am paying the consequences for my actions now.
For you who stand by my side and accept me for who I am, my only hope is that you too don’t secretly feel this way. The only way to be truly friends is to be open and honest with each other.
I love each one of my friends, no matter what they’ve said or done to me, in a special way. I care about you all, and it’s the only thing I can do.
So here is what I say to all who know me.
I still stand behind my comments of my wife and I have the right to decide what we can and can not do in our relationship. You do not. But you do have the right to make opinions and suggestions, and if my/our behavior bothers you, you also have the right to say something about it. To one or both of us. No one is perfect. Neither my wife nor I can claim to know what a perfect relationship is like. No one can. We all, when it comes down to it, need all the help we can get. Because I am human, and I make mistakes. You are all also human. Everyone I know, everyone I have ever met, and everyone I will meet during my existence on this Earth will shape who I am, and who I will become. Because of that, you are all a part of me, and you are all special to me because of it.
Live Journal is a place to say your thoughts and feelings.
These are mine.
I am not trying to create a pity party. These are my issues, and I have to come face to face with them. We all have our issues, and have to deal with them.
I am not trying to start a war, or a flame. I am simply stating facts and emotions.
I am not disabling comments to this post. But I hope you understand that if you cannot talk to my face about something, then I don’t want to hear your thoughts on the matter.
~DM.
Last week, I spent a day realizing that I have friends who, while they may not despise me per se, they despise my actions and behavior. And, they don’t even have the strength to come to me about it first.. They’d rather hide behind a veil of secrecy while betraying secrets.
They’d rather talk about me behind my back instead of my face.
No, to my face I get much worse. I get a smile. A false smile.
It pains me deeply to know that when I took at my friends, some of them look back upon me with scorn and disdain. While all I see is happiness to see me.
To me, the only thing worse than losing a friend, is having a false friend.
Until last week, I considered myself a good person, a good husband, and a good friend. I always felt that I was someone who would gladly bend over backwards to help someone, and even though I preach making yourself happy first, I don’t follow my own advice.
Apparently, I was wrong.
After reading things about myself and talking to other people, I find that more than one person agrees with this outlook on me and my actions. That my presence and actions make them uncomfortable.
And no one has talked to me about it yet, until now.
No one felt that I was a good enough friend to come to about my acts that defy friendship. I may overreact, I may tell you to sod off, but regardless, I wasn’t aware that I was offensive. And regardless of how I retort, at least I know that I am acting badly, and somewhere along the line I’d stop, or at least take it down a bit. I am half British, after all. (gotta be funny somewhere, that’s just me). A true friend would not wait until a good opportunity arises to make their point on a public forum. A true friend would pull me aside then and there (or at least soon after) and talk to me as a rational adult.
To those who have no idea what the fark I’m talking about, I put a post up, asking your opinion of me, and I do thank you for those who were honest, no matter how much it hurt.
It put a lot into perspective.
I stand to lose more than one friend through this, but at least it shows me who my friends really are.
So to you, I say this.
Your honesty has done more damage than you can imagine. But at least the truth is out, and I know where you stand. I do not blame you. You were just honest. I asked for it, and I found out just how petty I am, since I couldn’t handle it.
So, thank you.
To everyone who feels the same way,
I wish you had come to me and pointed out my fallacies before they reached this point, so that I might have fixed it before this happened. If you did try, and I didn’t listen, I am truly sorry, but rest assured, I am paying the consequences for my actions now.
For you who stand by my side and accept me for who I am, my only hope is that you too don’t secretly feel this way. The only way to be truly friends is to be open and honest with each other.
I love each one of my friends, no matter what they’ve said or done to me, in a special way. I care about you all, and it’s the only thing I can do.
So here is what I say to all who know me.
I still stand behind my comments of my wife and I have the right to decide what we can and can not do in our relationship. You do not. But you do have the right to make opinions and suggestions, and if my/our behavior bothers you, you also have the right to say something about it. To one or both of us. No one is perfect. Neither my wife nor I can claim to know what a perfect relationship is like. No one can. We all, when it comes down to it, need all the help we can get. Because I am human, and I make mistakes. You are all also human. Everyone I know, everyone I have ever met, and everyone I will meet during my existence on this Earth will shape who I am, and who I will become. Because of that, you are all a part of me, and you are all special to me because of it.
Live Journal is a place to say your thoughts and feelings.
These are mine.
I am not trying to create a pity party. These are my issues, and I have to come face to face with them. We all have our issues, and have to deal with them.
I am not trying to start a war, or a flame. I am simply stating facts and emotions.
I am not disabling comments to this post. But I hope you understand that if you cannot talk to my face about something, then I don’t want to hear your thoughts on the matter.
~DM.