I don't even know.
I don't really know how I am. People ask frequently, but when I actually think about it, I'm not sure. I'm dealing and I'm not devastated by the recent and strange turn of events, but I also have this sort of pent up frustration where I feel like Sisyphus pushing a giant rock to the top of hill just to watch it fall down and have to start over. But I'm really not angry anymore, just mildly frustrated and slightly discontented.
I don't understand people very well it turns out, which is pretty frustrating in itself and sometimes I don't think I really even get myself. I am pretty ridiculous. I don't know what I want anymore in pretty much all aspects of my life. I keep saying the reasons I don't date is because there's no guys, but the last two times I have gone on dates, it just seems that maybe I'm too picky. I want to go to culinary school, but I'm worried I'm not going to be good at it or I'm going to hate it. I know deep down I don't want to do theatre or music for my career, but after finding the thrill I do when you put yourself out there on stage or find a song that really speaks to you, I don't know if I can keep myself from it. Big decisions to make and where to turn for answers because I just have to decide and live with my decision. Not my favorite.
This all sounds very dramatic, when really right now I am actually pretty relaxed. I finally went to bed after one of the strangest cast parties I've ever attended and I've eaten real food, I am sitting in relative peace and the windows are open so I can feel the breeze from the outside. I have many things to do, but as always I want to do nothing, so I am. Actually, I want to do something and I don't know what, but it's certainly not something I'm obligated to do. I can't decide if it's more maddening to be unsure of what you want, or to know what you want and not be able to have it. For now, the plan is to just keep trying.
I don't understand people very well it turns out, which is pretty frustrating in itself and sometimes I don't think I really even get myself. I am pretty ridiculous. I don't know what I want anymore in pretty much all aspects of my life. I keep saying the reasons I don't date is because there's no guys, but the last two times I have gone on dates, it just seems that maybe I'm too picky. I want to go to culinary school, but I'm worried I'm not going to be good at it or I'm going to hate it. I know deep down I don't want to do theatre or music for my career, but after finding the thrill I do when you put yourself out there on stage or find a song that really speaks to you, I don't know if I can keep myself from it. Big decisions to make and where to turn for answers because I just have to decide and live with my decision. Not my favorite.
This all sounds very dramatic, when really right now I am actually pretty relaxed. I finally went to bed after one of the strangest cast parties I've ever attended and I've eaten real food, I am sitting in relative peace and the windows are open so I can feel the breeze from the outside. I have many things to do, but as always I want to do nothing, so I am. Actually, I want to do something and I don't know what, but it's certainly not something I'm obligated to do. I can't decide if it's more maddening to be unsure of what you want, or to know what you want and not be able to have it. For now, the plan is to just keep trying.