Oct 23, 2005 01:49
Hi. I don't know if anyone still reads this. But I need something right now in which to deposit my thoughts.
Here is the awful truth: I'm depressed.
I am lonely. I feel akward in nearly all social situations, even with the few people I am still close to here. I feel sad more often than not these days.
This sadness merely adds on to the long time issues that I have always had to handle. as well as the random shit that comes up without warning. I had another bank account crisis last week--actually it was two in a row. My parents had to bail me out again. After the call where I told my dad everything (he wasn't angry, all he told me was, 'survive'), I cried. It was the first time I had cried in many years. I have cried while watching a few movies (Big Fish, for example) but I don't count that. It felt good, like I was washing away the grit from my life. Since then, I have had episodes where I wanted to cry, but no tears would come.
On Friday morning in conducting class, I accidentally bumped the bell of my clarinet against Virginia's gold head joint. She freaked out and downright scolded me for hitting her flute with my clarinet. She then calmed down and realized her flute was OK and sort of apologized, but I told her it was OK, I would have freaked out too. And considering flutes are many thousands of dollars more than clarinets, it was most likely a true statement. But afterwards, I was devastated. Inside, I mean. These days, my heart plunges at the slightest hint of social rejection: when my suitemate turns down my dinner invitation because he already has plans, when I say something in a noisy environment and get no response (did they just not hear me, or were they ignoring me..?), when I make a joke that no one thinks is funny, when a friend invites someone else over but not me (which would happen under normal circumstances, but I invariably interpret as a rejection). My social esteem has plummetted, I think. I am scared to introduce myself to anybody. I routinely avoid eye contact. I forgot to project my voice, or the words come out sounding mangled.
Sometimes I get so sad I can't stand it. If there are people around, I will consider saying something to them, but instead I decide against it. It will just attract attention. I'm overreacting anyway. Besides, what can they do for me anyway? It is hard to describe the concomitant sensation. There is a chill, and your body quivers and pulls inward, like a tortoise retreating into his shell. Any motion around you seems indefinite and grainy, as if you were watching everyone through a thin sheet of wax paper. Suddenly the action recedes from view, and the inanimate props around you come into focus. The jocular moon, the pale sky, a melancholy oak. They and only they seem to notice me. They gaze at me intently, yet stay silent. If I look straight up, I can feel the orb of the earth below me, a pale blue dot drifting among the gassy nebulae...
I'm going to caps (counciling and psychological services) on Tuesday. Hopefully they can help me.