(no subject)
Just came back from a gathering, feeling unwelcome therefore out of place therefore pissed off. I was invited, so don't act like a jerk to me like that. Grow some balls and tell me if you don't want to see me. So I cuddled Dewey, and I flaked on my bed, and I went for a midnight skate with my nephew, to burn some energy and talk and yell and go really fast and try to work things out. I ended up listening to his shit and giving advice more than talking about my shit... maybe because I don't really need any advice. Skating has been helping chill me out a lot lately, which is awesome, I need to get up some confidence to go out more on my own. But at night I don't feel so safe alone, and in the day it's just impossible because the roads and the footpaths are all so crowded. If some beautiful skater boy could just appear in front of me and become my skater sifu and possibly my sex slave.... that would be great. Universe, please?
These feelings come around every few years, and it really wrenches my gut to recognise them again. Gut wrenching is a term I have been using to describe situations a lot lately. Ugghh. But literally, I know I'm stressed when my stomach hurts, twists, cramps, and I have no appetite. It's like an anxiety warning bell.
I have this perspective on casual relationships that I know is totally distorted, but I can't quite work it out enough to stop myself from viewing it this way. I see it like this: this relationship I have with the person, is like a game. If you can show less emotion, less attachment, more cool calm and distant, then you are winning. The person who becomes attached, just one slight amount more affectionate, not even clingy at all but when weighed against the other person is so, that person is the loser, the most awful despicable person, because they have become too into the other person and that was not the agreed upon rules.
I hate it! I fucking hate it. I always say to people, from the start, I don't just want to sleep with you. I like you. I want to hang out, go out, meet your friends, talk, rant, party, travel, all that shit. I want this middle ground between an exclusive monogamous relationship, and a fuck buddy you only see to shag and nothing else. Because the thing is, the people that I see casually, I like them more than just for sex. At this point in my life, I need to be physically, intellectually and emotionally engaged with the other person, to fuck them. Not to say it's always been that way or always will be or that I'm not averse to random aberrations from this rule, but in those cases that will be stated for no confusion on any persons part.
I'm so over people being so fucking hot and cold. Dude. I am not your girlfriend, your wife, your ball and chain. I am not going to give you shit for wanting to go play video games with your friends. I am not going to bag you out for calling in sick to work or having a sink full of dishes for a week. I don't care about the mundane shit because we are not life partners and your hygiene habits are for the most part irrelevant. So stop blowing me off or lying to me when you want time to be not with me, because you can just say "I want to go do something else" and I'll be cool with it. I say it to you, for fuck's sake.
Ugghhhh!
And another thing. I'm over this fucking apathetic sitting around waiting for life to happen to me crap. The only person who is going to change your life, IS YOU. Seriously. Your whole life, pretty much, you are in control. I know, earthquakes, car crashes, cancer, blah blah, but that's not what I mean. I mean, you can't sit around the house all day and expect a job to be given to you. You can't mooch off centrelink for years because you're "an artist" and expect anyone to respect you when you complain about only eating mi goreng for the past 2 years. Unless you just wrote an amazing symphony.
Guess what! Your life sucks! So does mine! Go fucking do something about it! Go beg your parents for a loan so you can go to TAFE and do a course and get a better job than retail or admin or milko. Go live with that annoying relative for free for 6 months so you can save to buy a car. Go do that boring job for 3 months until you get through probation and can move up to the one you really want. Go visit your friends you complain about never seeing. Catch a train. Walk. Get off your fucking arse, and do something. If you want to be treated like an adult you have to act like one. Or go off into the wild styles. Or make a new reality. Just DO SOMETHING.
Can't decide if I should quote trainspotting or nofx at this moment. Choose life! Hah. Renton wins.
Needed to rant. Angry at a select few people. Unable to get my message across to them. Also frustrated about a few other things causing me to lash out in these lovely passive aggressive ways.
I'm not perfect, I know I'm guilty of many of the things I just went off about, or I was guilty of them years ago. I figured it out eventually and I really want these people to figure it out too.
I feel like I need to do something life changing, something big, to kick start myself. I have been working myself into a bit of a rut, I felt a little while ago like I Just needed someone to sleep with me to boost up my confidence, but that didn't work at all, and now I'm just more pissed off about it all. I need to not fall into the trap of basing my own happiness on other peoples want of me. I am amazing and I know it and I don't need anyone else to tell me it to remember it. I need to make a poster that says that and hang it above my bed. I don't know what I can do. I can't afford a big holiday, although I think a solo adventure to somewhere would definitely help. Meeting new people and describing yourself to them really cements, for me, my identity and what I really want. Having to sum it up to a total stranger in a few sentences makes me think, well fuck, if I just told ten people that I want to go do an internship somewhere remote, then why the fuck have I not got that sorted yet? So I can't afford a holiday. I just did a heap of exercise, got healthier, and changed my hair colour, and got a new tattoo. So physical things whilst boosting my confidence on a somewhat shallow level, have helped, they haven't done it all. I really want to suspend soon and am making plans, although it's difficult to organise the kids I need to help me out. I just need to rock up in their garage and yell at them til they stick hooks in me, really. I think that will really centre my mind, but I am also worried that in putting all this pressure on the experience, if it doesn't go that way I'll be uber disappointed and feel even worse than I do now.
I need to find a new housemate in 1-2 months time. I need to get my nephew out of my house, especially his girlfriend. I need to get back into some workouts at home so I can continue my health homeostasis idea. I need to meet some new people. I need to make travel plans, east coast, and overseas. Why can't I be rich, I want to go do a semester in Sweden or Canada dammit. Why did I adopt this dog, I love him dearly but it's like being a single mother sometimes. I need to pay back my parents, pay off my car, start a savings account for said travels. I need to fix my printer. I need to study for my exam in 6 days time. I need to proper hang out with a boy and find out if there is proper serious feelings or if we've just been dancing each other in circles for the past few months. I need to ship myself a husband from Montreal. Or Germany. Or Sweden. Or California. I need to decide if I can live in just one room and we can fit 4 people in this house and pay less rent and win at life but be slightly squished. I need to hang out with my family more. I need to get a new job.
life organising team.... GO!
These feelings come around every few years, and it really wrenches my gut to recognise them again. Gut wrenching is a term I have been using to describe situations a lot lately. Ugghh. But literally, I know I'm stressed when my stomach hurts, twists, cramps, and I have no appetite. It's like an anxiety warning bell.
I have this perspective on casual relationships that I know is totally distorted, but I can't quite work it out enough to stop myself from viewing it this way. I see it like this: this relationship I have with the person, is like a game. If you can show less emotion, less attachment, more cool calm and distant, then you are winning. The person who becomes attached, just one slight amount more affectionate, not even clingy at all but when weighed against the other person is so, that person is the loser, the most awful despicable person, because they have become too into the other person and that was not the agreed upon rules.
I hate it! I fucking hate it. I always say to people, from the start, I don't just want to sleep with you. I like you. I want to hang out, go out, meet your friends, talk, rant, party, travel, all that shit. I want this middle ground between an exclusive monogamous relationship, and a fuck buddy you only see to shag and nothing else. Because the thing is, the people that I see casually, I like them more than just for sex. At this point in my life, I need to be physically, intellectually and emotionally engaged with the other person, to fuck them. Not to say it's always been that way or always will be or that I'm not averse to random aberrations from this rule, but in those cases that will be stated for no confusion on any persons part.
I'm so over people being so fucking hot and cold. Dude. I am not your girlfriend, your wife, your ball and chain. I am not going to give you shit for wanting to go play video games with your friends. I am not going to bag you out for calling in sick to work or having a sink full of dishes for a week. I don't care about the mundane shit because we are not life partners and your hygiene habits are for the most part irrelevant. So stop blowing me off or lying to me when you want time to be not with me, because you can just say "I want to go do something else" and I'll be cool with it. I say it to you, for fuck's sake.
Ugghhhh!
And another thing. I'm over this fucking apathetic sitting around waiting for life to happen to me crap. The only person who is going to change your life, IS YOU. Seriously. Your whole life, pretty much, you are in control. I know, earthquakes, car crashes, cancer, blah blah, but that's not what I mean. I mean, you can't sit around the house all day and expect a job to be given to you. You can't mooch off centrelink for years because you're "an artist" and expect anyone to respect you when you complain about only eating mi goreng for the past 2 years. Unless you just wrote an amazing symphony.
Guess what! Your life sucks! So does mine! Go fucking do something about it! Go beg your parents for a loan so you can go to TAFE and do a course and get a better job than retail or admin or milko. Go live with that annoying relative for free for 6 months so you can save to buy a car. Go do that boring job for 3 months until you get through probation and can move up to the one you really want. Go visit your friends you complain about never seeing. Catch a train. Walk. Get off your fucking arse, and do something. If you want to be treated like an adult you have to act like one. Or go off into the wild styles. Or make a new reality. Just DO SOMETHING.
Can't decide if I should quote trainspotting or nofx at this moment. Choose life! Hah. Renton wins.
Needed to rant. Angry at a select few people. Unable to get my message across to them. Also frustrated about a few other things causing me to lash out in these lovely passive aggressive ways.
I'm not perfect, I know I'm guilty of many of the things I just went off about, or I was guilty of them years ago. I figured it out eventually and I really want these people to figure it out too.
I feel like I need to do something life changing, something big, to kick start myself. I have been working myself into a bit of a rut, I felt a little while ago like I Just needed someone to sleep with me to boost up my confidence, but that didn't work at all, and now I'm just more pissed off about it all. I need to not fall into the trap of basing my own happiness on other peoples want of me. I am amazing and I know it and I don't need anyone else to tell me it to remember it. I need to make a poster that says that and hang it above my bed. I don't know what I can do. I can't afford a big holiday, although I think a solo adventure to somewhere would definitely help. Meeting new people and describing yourself to them really cements, for me, my identity and what I really want. Having to sum it up to a total stranger in a few sentences makes me think, well fuck, if I just told ten people that I want to go do an internship somewhere remote, then why the fuck have I not got that sorted yet? So I can't afford a holiday. I just did a heap of exercise, got healthier, and changed my hair colour, and got a new tattoo. So physical things whilst boosting my confidence on a somewhat shallow level, have helped, they haven't done it all. I really want to suspend soon and am making plans, although it's difficult to organise the kids I need to help me out. I just need to rock up in their garage and yell at them til they stick hooks in me, really. I think that will really centre my mind, but I am also worried that in putting all this pressure on the experience, if it doesn't go that way I'll be uber disappointed and feel even worse than I do now.
I need to find a new housemate in 1-2 months time. I need to get my nephew out of my house, especially his girlfriend. I need to get back into some workouts at home so I can continue my health homeostasis idea. I need to meet some new people. I need to make travel plans, east coast, and overseas. Why can't I be rich, I want to go do a semester in Sweden or Canada dammit. Why did I adopt this dog, I love him dearly but it's like being a single mother sometimes. I need to pay back my parents, pay off my car, start a savings account for said travels. I need to fix my printer. I need to study for my exam in 6 days time. I need to proper hang out with a boy and find out if there is proper serious feelings or if we've just been dancing each other in circles for the past few months. I need to ship myself a husband from Montreal. Or Germany. Or Sweden. Or California. I need to decide if I can live in just one room and we can fit 4 people in this house and pay less rent and win at life but be slightly squished. I need to hang out with my family more. I need to get a new job.
life organising team.... GO!