(no subject)
Well folks, it's time for another one of my posts, sorry if it's long. As I sit here, I think about my goals and resolutions for this new year that we are already nine days into. I have been listening to Depeche Mode's Ultra, and Everclear's So Much For The Afterglow. Those albums are deep and have messages that speak to me and I need to hear. Like Home, and Father Of Mine, to name a few.
I had hoped to have a job by now, but I console myself by saying we're only nine days in. I still hope to get this job as a baker for eight dollars an hour at this place just across the street from me. But I have been subconsciously sabotaging myself, and it does not help that I am dosing myself with massive amounts of Vanilla Almond Black Tea. Part of it is that I do some of my best thinking alone late at night, part that I enjoy the solitude, peace and privacy. And part is I still fear that I am not good enough, I'd get the job just to lose it a couple of weeks to months later. I really need to face my fears, and force myself to sleep during the night.
I want to get a job, especially that job - it would fit my schedule perfectly, no nights, at all. I need to eat more, and more regularly - I think I am currently about 160 in weight but don't know as there is no scale. I need to excise and do it regularly, both to help gain weight but strength and stamina. And I need to get myself out of debt, not only to help improve my credit but so I don't have that dangling over my head, getting larger each day. I want to go back to college and get my degrees, but I only want to do that when I am debt free. The reasons are because with a better credit rating, more financial help. And because I'm going to have to pay for the first two semesters on my own in whole. And I don't want to try to do that and try to pay off debt at the same time. And I want to improve myself as a person, and to work on some things that have been bothering me.
The funny thing, only it's not really, is that the only thing/person that I have trouble with my temper involves Amanda. I do and don't know why, but right now, that is a touchy subject and easily frays the leash on my temper and angers me. I want to work on coming to terms with those things and put them behind me. I don't like that there are things that can do that to me. It'll be a year in one week since I came back to Salt Lake. Two moves in one year, three major lifestyle changes, maybe that's a lot to take in.
I think I'm going to restart Final Fantasy XII, I fucked up and made it so I would not be able to get one of the ultimate weapons later. I'm not that far into the game and I haven't played it in about a week and a half. I love it, especially the Collector's Edition and the book - thank you it's a wonderful gift. This game goes into the place of honor along side the two Lunars: Silver Star Story Complete, Eternal Blue Complete and Legend Of Dragoon.
A wise person told me something yesterday but I forgot to get permission so if you object please let me know and I will remove that part. Name, changed of course for privacy and protect - read under the cut for that.
K: i have a question though
K: what was that post about
IrishEian: which one?
K: that proved that Amanda did something bad
K: the direct quote from her lj
IrishEian: the one where I posted her whole entry?
K: si
IrishEian: she told me she was interested in getting back with me, but not right now, as she was still emotionally messed up over the accident and have to adopt her son
IrishEian: and then about two weeks later, I read about her throwing herself at not just one, but four guys.
IrishEian: and that she just dropped off the face of the planet when she did this and didn't even say a fuck you to me
K: ah
IrishEian: I one, told her that she would have to prove herself as a friend first, and that two if she claimed me as her husband, she would have to act like a wife, my wife
K: right
IrishEian: and that if she changed her mind, to let me know, so I didn't make an ass out of myself
K: okay
IrishEian: that's why I've been so upset, not only has she not acted like a wife, but she didn't even have the gall to inform me as a friend that she was moving on
IrishEian: plus I listened to her when she needed me, but she actively avoided me when I needed someone to talk to
IrishEian: if she hadn't said anything about the marriage, and me still being her husband I wouldn't have gotten as angry
K: that makes perfect sense
IrishEian: but she is acting like I made it up, and that I'm seeing things that aren't there and that I had no reason to be upset at her
IrishEian: which pisses me off even more
IrishEian: *chuckles* does that answer the question *grins*
K: yes
K: indeed it does
K: thank you
K:*hugs and snuggles*
IrishEian: mmm, thank you, I needed that
IrishEian: now I have a question for you (This is the part I really want you to read.)
K: anytime :-)
K: go ahead
IrishEian: did I in any way overreact or read things wrong?
K: hmmm
K: i don't think you overreacted
K: however, her throwing herself at guys does not mean she's still not your friend
K: which is what you first asked for
K: it's not acting like your wife
K: but it hasn't crossed the line to not friend
K: when she ignored your calls, that, however, was not a good friend
IrishEian: hmm
K: you're touchy and sensitive
K: and she knows it
K: if she cared, she'd SHOW it
IrishEian: *winces*
K: SHE has the burden of proof here
K: well, it's true
K:but that means she COULD step up
IrishEian: I know, but no one likes to hear that about themselves
K: you're maybe seeing things that aren't there, i agree
K: however, it is up to her to PROVE that nothing is there
K: she can't do anything remotely shady
K: thus, in my book, she's not doing enough
IrishEian: hmm, interesting point of view
K: so don't question if you're overreacting
K: question whether she is doing enough
K: if you have doubts, that means she is not doing enough
K: it doesn't matter if your doubts are true or not
K: does that make sense?
IrishEian: very much so, thank you K
K: and the touchy/sensitive thing is only in relation to her. And it's not a bad thing at all.
K: of course
IrishEian: *chuckles*
I know I'm starting to ramble, and getting off the train of thought I had in my mind before I started this. Let's see, goals and resolution, job, FFXII, wise saying, I think that's all. I hope that that job is still available today, and that I can make through the day without falling asleep. Oh, and that I hope this flem, cough go away soon - I'm not sick just can't get rid of this.
Good Morning All, Dane Out
I had hoped to have a job by now, but I console myself by saying we're only nine days in. I still hope to get this job as a baker for eight dollars an hour at this place just across the street from me. But I have been subconsciously sabotaging myself, and it does not help that I am dosing myself with massive amounts of Vanilla Almond Black Tea. Part of it is that I do some of my best thinking alone late at night, part that I enjoy the solitude, peace and privacy. And part is I still fear that I am not good enough, I'd get the job just to lose it a couple of weeks to months later. I really need to face my fears, and force myself to sleep during the night.
I want to get a job, especially that job - it would fit my schedule perfectly, no nights, at all. I need to eat more, and more regularly - I think I am currently about 160 in weight but don't know as there is no scale. I need to excise and do it regularly, both to help gain weight but strength and stamina. And I need to get myself out of debt, not only to help improve my credit but so I don't have that dangling over my head, getting larger each day. I want to go back to college and get my degrees, but I only want to do that when I am debt free. The reasons are because with a better credit rating, more financial help. And because I'm going to have to pay for the first two semesters on my own in whole. And I don't want to try to do that and try to pay off debt at the same time. And I want to improve myself as a person, and to work on some things that have been bothering me.
The funny thing, only it's not really, is that the only thing/person that I have trouble with my temper involves Amanda. I do and don't know why, but right now, that is a touchy subject and easily frays the leash on my temper and angers me. I want to work on coming to terms with those things and put them behind me. I don't like that there are things that can do that to me. It'll be a year in one week since I came back to Salt Lake. Two moves in one year, three major lifestyle changes, maybe that's a lot to take in.
I think I'm going to restart Final Fantasy XII, I fucked up and made it so I would not be able to get one of the ultimate weapons later. I'm not that far into the game and I haven't played it in about a week and a half. I love it, especially the Collector's Edition and the book - thank you it's a wonderful gift. This game goes into the place of honor along side the two Lunars: Silver Star Story Complete, Eternal Blue Complete and Legend Of Dragoon.
A wise person told me something yesterday but I forgot to get permission so if you object please let me know and I will remove that part. Name, changed of course for privacy and protect - read under the cut for that.
K: i have a question though
K: what was that post about
IrishEian: which one?
K: that proved that Amanda did something bad
K: the direct quote from her lj
IrishEian: the one where I posted her whole entry?
K: si
IrishEian: she told me she was interested in getting back with me, but not right now, as she was still emotionally messed up over the accident and have to adopt her son
IrishEian: and then about two weeks later, I read about her throwing herself at not just one, but four guys.
IrishEian: and that she just dropped off the face of the planet when she did this and didn't even say a fuck you to me
K: ah
IrishEian: I one, told her that she would have to prove herself as a friend first, and that two if she claimed me as her husband, she would have to act like a wife, my wife
K: right
IrishEian: and that if she changed her mind, to let me know, so I didn't make an ass out of myself
K: okay
IrishEian: that's why I've been so upset, not only has she not acted like a wife, but she didn't even have the gall to inform me as a friend that she was moving on
IrishEian: plus I listened to her when she needed me, but she actively avoided me when I needed someone to talk to
IrishEian: if she hadn't said anything about the marriage, and me still being her husband I wouldn't have gotten as angry
K: that makes perfect sense
IrishEian: but she is acting like I made it up, and that I'm seeing things that aren't there and that I had no reason to be upset at her
IrishEian: which pisses me off even more
IrishEian: *chuckles* does that answer the question *grins*
K: yes
K: indeed it does
K: thank you
K:*hugs and snuggles*
IrishEian: mmm, thank you, I needed that
IrishEian: now I have a question for you (This is the part I really want you to read.)
K: anytime :-)
K: go ahead
IrishEian: did I in any way overreact or read things wrong?
K: hmmm
K: i don't think you overreacted
K: however, her throwing herself at guys does not mean she's still not your friend
K: which is what you first asked for
K: it's not acting like your wife
K: but it hasn't crossed the line to not friend
K: when she ignored your calls, that, however, was not a good friend
IrishEian: hmm
K: you're touchy and sensitive
K: and she knows it
K: if she cared, she'd SHOW it
IrishEian: *winces*
K: SHE has the burden of proof here
K: well, it's true
K:but that means she COULD step up
IrishEian: I know, but no one likes to hear that about themselves
K: you're maybe seeing things that aren't there, i agree
K: however, it is up to her to PROVE that nothing is there
K: she can't do anything remotely shady
K: thus, in my book, she's not doing enough
IrishEian: hmm, interesting point of view
K: so don't question if you're overreacting
K: question whether she is doing enough
K: if you have doubts, that means she is not doing enough
K: it doesn't matter if your doubts are true or not
K: does that make sense?
IrishEian: very much so, thank you K
K: and the touchy/sensitive thing is only in relation to her. And it's not a bad thing at all.
K: of course
IrishEian: *chuckles*
I know I'm starting to ramble, and getting off the train of thought I had in my mind before I started this. Let's see, goals and resolution, job, FFXII, wise saying, I think that's all. I hope that that job is still available today, and that I can make through the day without falling asleep. Oh, and that I hope this flem, cough go away soon - I'm not sick just can't get rid of this.
Good Morning All, Dane Out