musings and rambles
while i was sitting at the dmv today, lamenting life. hating the fact that i had been so apathetic for not getting my permit two years ago when all normal teenagers are anxious and excited to get behind the wheel, something very sad happened. an adorable half black half white little girl got her hand caught in a door. she had curly blonde hair, blue eyes, and latte colored skin. she screamed and cried and i felt really bad for her. not because it hurts to get your hand caught in a door, but because the woman that was with her, i assume it was her grandma, kept saying "its alright, its alright." obviously it wasn't. this little girl was screaming her lungs out and holding her hand close to her. they went into the bathroom, then came back out and one of the dmv workers gave her candy. she had stopped crying, but was still clutching her hand. i wanted to hug this little girl and make her feel better. but as she walked by me, she didnt notice the smile i was giving her, instead she was staring at my pink and purple colored hair. and it made me feel bad, guilty almost.
why do i waste time and money dying my hair and getting tattoos and piercings, when i could be doing something better, like helping little kids? i want to stand out, be different. be noticed. and i do that quite successfully. but, when i think about this, i feel guilty. its always good to be an individual. but why? why have i, and the rest of my generation, found that we need to be different? i guess we're all taught in school to think for ourselves and have our opinions and thoughts be counted. in every classroom there are posters saying "be unique!" "think for yourself!" we aren't supposed to be sheep. but if everyone was the same: compassionate and treated each other right- we wouldnt need to think for ourselves. but, instead, people like me fund capitalism by spending money on makeup and shoes to look different from the person standing next to us.
so i feel guilty when i get sad about things. because there are little kids everywhere screaming, and i have done nothing about it. i am a privleged upperclass white girl, with no real problems but the ones that are created by my other privledged upperclass white friends. my self esteem problems and teenage angst is nothing compared to the girl who gets raped or the boy who has to steal to feed himself. here i am, sad and lonley watching spongebob and all i can think about is how my friends are out doing stuff and having fun while im not. what i should be doing is thanking my lucky stars that i get to go to a great school, i dont have cancer, and i have parents that love me.
earlier tonight while i was thinking about this my mom said i looked sad. well i was. and i have been for quite some time. but i assured her that i was fine. she said ok, and told me that "there's nothing that can't be fixed" and i was brought back to that beautiful little girl hearing "its alright." well, some things can't be fixed. and things aren't always alright. i don't know if ill ever get the motivation to help little kids, or stop caring about what other people think of me. and until i do, things aren't gonna be alright. i think i gotta fix some problems.
why do i waste time and money dying my hair and getting tattoos and piercings, when i could be doing something better, like helping little kids? i want to stand out, be different. be noticed. and i do that quite successfully. but, when i think about this, i feel guilty. its always good to be an individual. but why? why have i, and the rest of my generation, found that we need to be different? i guess we're all taught in school to think for ourselves and have our opinions and thoughts be counted. in every classroom there are posters saying "be unique!" "think for yourself!" we aren't supposed to be sheep. but if everyone was the same: compassionate and treated each other right- we wouldnt need to think for ourselves. but, instead, people like me fund capitalism by spending money on makeup and shoes to look different from the person standing next to us.
so i feel guilty when i get sad about things. because there are little kids everywhere screaming, and i have done nothing about it. i am a privleged upperclass white girl, with no real problems but the ones that are created by my other privledged upperclass white friends. my self esteem problems and teenage angst is nothing compared to the girl who gets raped or the boy who has to steal to feed himself. here i am, sad and lonley watching spongebob and all i can think about is how my friends are out doing stuff and having fun while im not. what i should be doing is thanking my lucky stars that i get to go to a great school, i dont have cancer, and i have parents that love me.
earlier tonight while i was thinking about this my mom said i looked sad. well i was. and i have been for quite some time. but i assured her that i was fine. she said ok, and told me that "there's nothing that can't be fixed" and i was brought back to that beautiful little girl hearing "its alright." well, some things can't be fixed. and things aren't always alright. i don't know if ill ever get the motivation to help little kids, or stop caring about what other people think of me. and until i do, things aren't gonna be alright. i think i gotta fix some problems.