Vampire Baseball Wins In Your Pants
So, almost a month later than the rest of the world, I went today with Sunshine and Mage to see Twilight in the city and it was a bit like being in high school again for all it drove us to to keep ourselves interested.
So, let me start with the things I enjoyed in retrospect.
The Good
VAMPIRE BASEBALL, but I've always been amused by extreme sports. Vampire baseball under the cover of thunderstorms to the soundtrack of "Supermassive Black Hole" was the only moment I sat up during this film feeling like I wanted to cheer on the awesome. For me it seemed a simple formula: sport + thunderstorms + supernatural powers + supermassive black holes = dazzling! (Even if they do seem to stand like a brand of pale-faced "all American" patriots against the tide of 'others'; I wouldn't have noticed so much if Cedward hadn't said it.)
In the next few movies, they should give Jasper a baseball bat every time he's on screen (it's sad that this was my moment of bone melting goodness).
Cullen family togetherness. I actually believed it. Even if I did crack up in exasperation each time one of them was introduced, but Carlisle possible got the worst choking noise out of me (I'm so sorry, cinema goers). The Cullens felt like an authentic family unit and I really enjoyed their dynamic, as well as being given a good impression of each character through a simple look and passing comment; perhaps the only thing I thought this movie did succinctly.
The Cullen cars. Oh, they had jeeps. Rosalie had some rouge convertible thing, but I didn't quite like how the Cullens oozed wealth from every pore. At least it diverted your eye with the demonstration that the father was a doctor, so to it looked feasible to the standard person.
The Bad
The script almost killed me every time Bella and Cedward were in the same vicinity. Sunshine and I would writhe painfully in our seats, inevitably knocking heads and trying to hide behind each other from the terrible, terrible fail on screen. It wasn't even awesomely bad; it was SIMPLY AWFUL.
The soundtrack made my ears pound from the sledgehammer of subtlety. Wail those guitars, raise those violins, oh, baby, don't you know I suffer? By the time Muse had to sing it for us, I think we understood. I'd like to nudge the person who thought they could cover up the terrible by turning up the volume into oncoming traffic. A better choice would have been if they'd played "Sunshine of Your Love" when Cedward weeped of how long he'd been waiting for Bella and she saw him in direct sun. I might have forgiven this movie for one more LOL beneath the thrum of double bass.
The chemistry. It was a bit lacking. Every time Bella and Cedward stared into each other's eyes and started to tear, I really felt as though it was the actors despairing that the director hadn't called for a cut yet. Those poor, poor actors. Oh, they can do bleeding love very well, I actually have confidence in Bella actor's abilities from what I've seen, but I was a bit frustrated by the Edward actor (hmm, I've forgotten their names) because I couldn't tell if he was a bad actor or he was suffering from bad director's instruction. Individually, I could sort of believe their journeys, but together the two were destructively confusing.
Which leads me to...
The "Buh??" or "Why Twilight Gives No Respect"
The logic of two people meeting, clashing, melting and falling in love -- was not there. For the film's own sake I tried to give myself over to the story, but like a bad partner it betrayed me at every opportunity! I tried to believe it, but it just wouldn't commit! There were some pivotal conversations when Bella and Cedward broached new levels in their relationship that made no sense.
As Bella said to Cedward early in their relationship, "Your mood swings are sort of giving me whiplash." This encapsulates the dynamic and authenticity of their relationship for me in a nutshell. Sometimes it was leading towards potential and then Bella would turn around to Cedward, still a stranger at the time, and say, "You should have just let that truck crush me." Talk about anger without enthusiasm. Or maybe her mother just didn't teach her how to engage people who had saved her life (begrudging gratitude, it can be done).
Oh, and somebody please teach Bella how to walk with a brace for a broken leg.
Please hire a makeup artist who knows how to blend three tubs of white powder with subtlety into the hairline.
I've never thought of "bedazzled" as an understated description, I always thought to be dazzled the dazzler would really leap out at you and catch your attention. The first time Cedward stood in the sun, he just looked as though he was glistening with sweat. While the girls in front of us squealed, giggled and sighed I had to nudge Sunshine and ask, "Did you see anything? What am I missing?" It took a close up and Bella's murmur of "diamonds" for me to clue in, but maybe this was intended to be a gentle bedazzlement. Small, gentle and understated as I think they were trying to achieve with this movie, but just made me want to kick the screen, prompting "And??" or check my watch.
This movie did not move as fast as it should have. I veto Edward, I prefer Cedric by small margin of preference.
It strikes such interesting parallels with the True Blood TV series: human and vampire fall in love, one of them is telepathic and can hear the thoughts of everyone else but their beloved. This becomes an irresistible trait. But that's about where the similarities end.
Age, maturity and childhood experience has a lot to do with this in the case of Sookie Stackhouse (what a name); she demands to be spoken to like the lady she is, but she's older than Bella, has lived a very different life and it's a different world in which they live. But True Blood is certainly not PG and far, far superior in comparison: real issues with real people who give real reactions. True Blood doesn't dazzle, but it respects your intelligence.
So much about Twilight felt forced and fake. It was only lines like, "Just say thank you and get over it" or "Your mood swings are sort of giving me whiplash" that felt authentic in the reaction of how teenagers with all their angst, confusion and raw impulse would say. It gave its audience no respect thinking we wouldn't notice the dots they hadn't connected in a story of convenience.
I think it's been too long since Stephenie Meyers was a teenager. I am at least glad that I've now seen the movie and can give an opinion by my own authority.
However, I'm an advocate of dialogue, so if you're one of those people who watched Twilight three times in the first twenty-four hours of its release, or saw it only once, but managed to walk away with a smile instead of a groan of relief:
What did you think of this movie?
Is there more than "unconditional and irrevocable" love and loyalty for this series that can let somebody enjoy this film?
So, let me start with the things I enjoyed in retrospect.
The Good
VAMPIRE BASEBALL, but I've always been amused by extreme sports. Vampire baseball under the cover of thunderstorms to the soundtrack of "Supermassive Black Hole" was the only moment I sat up during this film feeling like I wanted to cheer on the awesome. For me it seemed a simple formula: sport + thunderstorms + supernatural powers + supermassive black holes = dazzling! (Even if they do seem to stand like a brand of pale-faced "all American" patriots against the tide of 'others'; I wouldn't have noticed so much if Cedward hadn't said it.)
In the next few movies, they should give Jasper a baseball bat every time he's on screen (it's sad that this was my moment of bone melting goodness).
Cullen family togetherness. I actually believed it. Even if I did crack up in exasperation each time one of them was introduced, but Carlisle possible got the worst choking noise out of me (I'm so sorry, cinema goers). The Cullens felt like an authentic family unit and I really enjoyed their dynamic, as well as being given a good impression of each character through a simple look and passing comment; perhaps the only thing I thought this movie did succinctly.
The Cullen cars. Oh, they had jeeps. Rosalie had some rouge convertible thing, but I didn't quite like how the Cullens oozed wealth from every pore. At least it diverted your eye with the demonstration that the father was a doctor, so to it looked feasible to the standard person.
The Bad
The script almost killed me every time Bella and Cedward were in the same vicinity. Sunshine and I would writhe painfully in our seats, inevitably knocking heads and trying to hide behind each other from the terrible, terrible fail on screen. It wasn't even awesomely bad; it was SIMPLY AWFUL.
The soundtrack made my ears pound from the sledgehammer of subtlety. Wail those guitars, raise those violins, oh, baby, don't you know I suffer? By the time Muse had to sing it for us, I think we understood. I'd like to nudge the person who thought they could cover up the terrible by turning up the volume into oncoming traffic. A better choice would have been if they'd played "Sunshine of Your Love" when Cedward weeped of how long he'd been waiting for Bella and she saw him in direct sun. I might have forgiven this movie for one more LOL beneath the thrum of double bass.
The chemistry. It was a bit lacking. Every time Bella and Cedward stared into each other's eyes and started to tear, I really felt as though it was the actors despairing that the director hadn't called for a cut yet. Those poor, poor actors. Oh, they can do bleeding love very well, I actually have confidence in Bella actor's abilities from what I've seen, but I was a bit frustrated by the Edward actor (hmm, I've forgotten their names) because I couldn't tell if he was a bad actor or he was suffering from bad director's instruction. Individually, I could sort of believe their journeys, but together the two were destructively confusing.
Which leads me to...
The "Buh??" or "Why Twilight Gives No Respect"
The logic of two people meeting, clashing, melting and falling in love -- was not there. For the film's own sake I tried to give myself over to the story, but like a bad partner it betrayed me at every opportunity! I tried to believe it, but it just wouldn't commit! There were some pivotal conversations when Bella and Cedward broached new levels in their relationship that made no sense.
As Bella said to Cedward early in their relationship, "Your mood swings are sort of giving me whiplash." This encapsulates the dynamic and authenticity of their relationship for me in a nutshell. Sometimes it was leading towards potential and then Bella would turn around to Cedward, still a stranger at the time, and say, "You should have just let that truck crush me." Talk about anger without enthusiasm. Or maybe her mother just didn't teach her how to engage people who had saved her life (begrudging gratitude, it can be done).
Oh, and somebody please teach Bella how to walk with a brace for a broken leg.
Please hire a makeup artist who knows how to blend three tubs of white powder with subtlety into the hairline.
I've never thought of "bedazzled" as an understated description, I always thought to be dazzled the dazzler would really leap out at you and catch your attention. The first time Cedward stood in the sun, he just looked as though he was glistening with sweat. While the girls in front of us squealed, giggled and sighed I had to nudge Sunshine and ask, "Did you see anything? What am I missing?" It took a close up and Bella's murmur of "diamonds" for me to clue in, but maybe this was intended to be a gentle bedazzlement. Small, gentle and understated as I think they were trying to achieve with this movie, but just made me want to kick the screen, prompting "And??" or check my watch.
This movie did not move as fast as it should have. I veto Edward, I prefer Cedric by small margin of preference.
It strikes such interesting parallels with the True Blood TV series: human and vampire fall in love, one of them is telepathic and can hear the thoughts of everyone else but their beloved. This becomes an irresistible trait. But that's about where the similarities end.
Age, maturity and childhood experience has a lot to do with this in the case of Sookie Stackhouse (what a name); she demands to be spoken to like the lady she is, but she's older than Bella, has lived a very different life and it's a different world in which they live. But True Blood is certainly not PG and far, far superior in comparison: real issues with real people who give real reactions. True Blood doesn't dazzle, but it respects your intelligence.
So much about Twilight felt forced and fake. It was only lines like, "Just say thank you and get over it" or "Your mood swings are sort of giving me whiplash" that felt authentic in the reaction of how teenagers with all their angst, confusion and raw impulse would say. It gave its audience no respect thinking we wouldn't notice the dots they hadn't connected in a story of convenience.
I think it's been too long since Stephenie Meyers was a teenager. I am at least glad that I've now seen the movie and can give an opinion by my own authority.
However, I'm an advocate of dialogue, so if you're one of those people who watched Twilight three times in the first twenty-four hours of its release, or saw it only once, but managed to walk away with a smile instead of a groan of relief:
What did you think of this movie?
Is there more than "unconditional and irrevocable" love and loyalty for this series that can let somebody enjoy this film?