(no subject)
I've been writing more lately, thinking things through and putting them down on paper. It feels good, like I'm flexing and stretching (bad simile, I know).
My grandmother has been frequently occupying my thoughts -- ever since early December or so. She died when I was 21, but I guess I've decided that, almost four years later, I'm finally going to deal with it. I dream about her at least weekly, and it gets confusing. Sometimes she's still alive, sometimes she's already dead but my dream self is very concerned with that fact. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming -- complete with sensory perception -- but I'm not even asleep.
Obviously I miss her, but I've always known that, so I'm somewhat bewildered over the timing. It's generally a bit hard, feeling like I have no family with whom I can speak even remotely honestly -- she was different. Even my brother has grown more and more conservative since returning to Kentucky. My parents are present for me in some ways but grossly not in others, and I worry that when they die I will actually have no one left at all.
I didn't actually intend for this entry to end up this way -- I started at a much more upbeat point. It's just stuff I've been pondering, working through. I like that this stuff has enabled me to "see" my grandmother again but it's generally unsettling, because I'm of course aware that no matter how many times I dream of my grandmother, she's not coming back. And as I don't so much believe in heaven, I don't feel like I have any happy reunions ahead of me.
My grandmother has been frequently occupying my thoughts -- ever since early December or so. She died when I was 21, but I guess I've decided that, almost four years later, I'm finally going to deal with it. I dream about her at least weekly, and it gets confusing. Sometimes she's still alive, sometimes she's already dead but my dream self is very concerned with that fact. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming -- complete with sensory perception -- but I'm not even asleep.
Obviously I miss her, but I've always known that, so I'm somewhat bewildered over the timing. It's generally a bit hard, feeling like I have no family with whom I can speak even remotely honestly -- she was different. Even my brother has grown more and more conservative since returning to Kentucky. My parents are present for me in some ways but grossly not in others, and I worry that when they die I will actually have no one left at all.
I didn't actually intend for this entry to end up this way -- I started at a much more upbeat point. It's just stuff I've been pondering, working through. I like that this stuff has enabled me to "see" my grandmother again but it's generally unsettling, because I'm of course aware that no matter how many times I dream of my grandmother, she's not coming back. And as I don't so much believe in heaven, I don't feel like I have any happy reunions ahead of me.