I lost my ambition some way along the road
Sometimes, I amaze myself with the uncanny ability I have to make my own life difficult every single time. The job hunt has gone on for quite a while, and my state of mind has also undergone various changes, specifically alternating between feeble optimism and extreme cynicism. It is unhealthy, and the only coping mechanism I know is to drown it out with copious amounts of K-entertainment, but even that has reached its saturation point.
The conclusion I draw from this entire saga is this: I am a coward. For all my grand declarations of doing something I like and getting paid for it, I second guess myself every single fucking time. I have never been secretive about why I want(ed?) to be a journalist. The exclusivity that characterises the nature of the job as well as the chance to get "up close and personal" with those in power or those immensely popular were what appealed to me. In short, vanity. But two and a half internships later, it feels like this is all there is to it. (I may be wrong, but I am forming my own conclusions based on what I have been through; there is no way I can experience every single aspect of the media industry and form an "objective" judgment.) I write for a newspaper and film footage for a television news report and then what? It may be fun for the first year or so and then what? Sometimes I find myself so caught up in the lives of people I couldn't normally care for that I wonder why I am putting in hour after hour chasing after people's lives and forgetting myself in the process. It surprises me how I was once able to romanticise the journalistic profession when all I feel now is apathy. Has four years of education and training erased the magic that was once there? Or has it never been magical to begin with and I was merely fooled by my observations on the other side of the pasture? I feel like my passion for the media industry has waned, and what used to seem so exciting and full of potential seem superficial and incredibly vain now. Four years later and I am back to square one, and the only concern I have now is how unconcerned I am with everything else.
Or maybe I am just saying these to make myself feel better about disengaging myself from the industry. But I know that every time I read a news article or watch a television programme, there will always be a small part of me thinking, "What if?"
The conclusion I draw from this entire saga is this: I am a coward. For all my grand declarations of doing something I like and getting paid for it, I second guess myself every single fucking time. I have never been secretive about why I want(ed?) to be a journalist. The exclusivity that characterises the nature of the job as well as the chance to get "up close and personal" with those in power or those immensely popular were what appealed to me. In short, vanity. But two and a half internships later, it feels like this is all there is to it. (I may be wrong, but I am forming my own conclusions based on what I have been through; there is no way I can experience every single aspect of the media industry and form an "objective" judgment.) I write for a newspaper and film footage for a television news report and then what? It may be fun for the first year or so and then what? Sometimes I find myself so caught up in the lives of people I couldn't normally care for that I wonder why I am putting in hour after hour chasing after people's lives and forgetting myself in the process. It surprises me how I was once able to romanticise the journalistic profession when all I feel now is apathy. Has four years of education and training erased the magic that was once there? Or has it never been magical to begin with and I was merely fooled by my observations on the other side of the pasture? I feel like my passion for the media industry has waned, and what used to seem so exciting and full of potential seem superficial and incredibly vain now. Four years later and I am back to square one, and the only concern I have now is how unconcerned I am with everything else.
Or maybe I am just saying these to make myself feel better about disengaging myself from the industry. But I know that every time I read a news article or watch a television programme, there will always be a small part of me thinking, "What if?"