033: 알까요 이런 내 마음을? (do you know this heart of mine?) [2/14]
After weeks and months of constant struggle
-- both with my view on fandom in general and balancing fandom life with RL obligations --
I'm FINALLY back...with not one chapter but three chapters to share! *^^*
It's been a long time coming, but it's finally here. I'm about to start summer classes this week, but I swore to myself that I would update before I got busy again. That being said, I want to thank everyone who was patient with me and comes back to read this fic.
That is, provided I actually still have any readers left...after I disappeared so long......I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't OTL;;;;
Thank you once again to all who have waited and I hope you enjoy this special update of "알까요 이런 내 마음을"! :)
II. 난 열어놨어 내 맘의 문을.
[ I opened the door to my heart. ]
“So, guys.” Minho began slowly, halfway through dinner and three-quarters of the way through with eating everything on his plate. “Dream Team is going to Canada in about a week.”
Jinki’s fork fell to his plate with an uncomfortably loud clatter. Kibum dropped the serving spoon he had picked up, making an odd noise that sounded like a cross between a strangled cat and a gasp. Jonghyun promptly choked on his drink and had to lean on Jinki for support, coughing and wheezing away.
Taemin had no idea what his expression looked like, but as soon as the words left Minho’s lips, he felt his heart sink into the pit of his stomach.
“And how long were you planning on keeping this a secret from us?!” Kibum hissed, while Jonghyun nodded sagely in what Taemin assumed was agreement. “It’s been three days since you were on the set-!”
“We just got back from the Philippines yesterday, remember?” Minho tried to sound logical, but Kibum still didn’t look convinced. “So I only just checked my messages this morning…and we were busy today, too…” The tallest boy lowered his gaze to Kibum’s withering stare with a sigh. “That’s why I’m telling you now…”
“How long will you be gone?” Jinki asked, all too quickly trying to change the subject.
“Only for about a week.” Minho sighed again. Jinki patted his arm supportively. “I wish I wasn’t going either, but-”
“Don’t say that.” Everyone stared at Taemin, who put on the best smile he could manage. “You’re really lucky, hyung.” He inched his chair closer to Minho until their shoulders brushed. “I wish we could go there instead of Thailand. We’ve been there before, but never Canada.”
“We’d still be going overseas, though,” Jonghyun grinned, reaching over the table to ruffle Taemin’s hair, “so you’ll probably still get sick no matter where we went!”
“What should we call that?” Jinki chuckled. “Taemin’s Overseas Sickness?”
“It’s the Taemin Condition,” Minho remarked, eliciting laughter from everyone at the table.
But it wasn’t until Jinki nearly fell off his chair in hysterics over Minho’s joke that Kibum joined in too, falling over onto Jonghyun’s lap and laughing with his entire body.
After that, the rest of dinner was more than pleasant. The earlier tension created by Minho’s eventual departure was now-for the most part-forgotten and forgiven. Once dinner was over, everyone voted for Minho to wash the dishes.
“You ate the most out of all of us,” Kibum pointed out much to Minho’s chagrin, about to follow Jonghyun and Jinki down the hall until he saw Taemin following Minho into the kitchen with a couple of empty plates. “Taeminnie-ah, don’t worry about the dishes-you’re just getting better from the flu! Relax and come watch a movie with us!”
“I’m fine,” Taemin replied, not because he minded Kibum’s concern but because he really did feel much better than he had when they came home from recording earlier. “I’m fine now, umma, really. You go and relax with Jonghyunnie-hyung and Jinki-hyung - they’re waiting for you, right?”
“Hmmmmm…well, okay…if you say so…” Kibum’s footfalls eventually faded off somewhere down the corridor along with his voice. “Our door’s always open…if you need us for anything, just tell us …”
As soon as he heard the door to Jonghyun and Kibum’s bedroom slam shut, Taemin ran over to the couch and dove headlong into the cushions laid out neatly (something he never would have been able to do if hawkeyed Kibum was around) and flopped over onto his stomach to look at Minho gathering the last of the dishes.
Taemin liked a lot of things, but he loved nights like these the most.
These were his favorite kind of nights: nights without any schedule to attend to or worry about the next day, nights where the oldest three members would wander off somewhere and leave him and Minho to themselves, nights when he could lay down and laze around and just breathe. It was nice to be able to do that, especially since he was just starting to feel better, at last almost back to normal after being almost sure he had caught the swine flu.
It was especially nice, too, because he wasn’t alone like he had been the week before.
The recovery process was far from enjoyable, of course. Beside sweating out high fevers every hour, Taemin found out just how much he hated being holed up in his bedroom at home.
Granted, it was nice to be with his family again after so long. But the circumstances weren’t the greatest and the only time Taemin saw their faces without a surgeon’s mask was when he was finally able to walk around on his own again without falling over.
During the day, all Taemin did was lie down in bed, read books, and catch up on schoolwork. And at night-or whenever he didn’t feel like sitting up-all Taemin was dream about all the things he missed about life in the SHINee dorm.
And he missed his hyung-deul, of course. All of them.
“So who else is coming to Canada with you, hyung?” Taemin asked, peering up at the older boy through his bangs. “Everybody who’s normally on the set, or…?”
“Yeah, pretty much everyone’s coming. Joongki-hyung…Sangin-sunbaenim…everyone’s going…” Minho trailed off, thoughtful as he began scrubbing the plates. “Oh, except for Eunhyuk-hyung. Oh, and I think Sangchu-hyung’s coming, too…he should be free this week…”
Taemin nodded, making a noncommittal noise to show he was listening. But Minho must have taken his lack of response personally, because he left his post at the sink to walk over and sit on the floor beside the couch.
“Okay.” Minho sighed, resigned to rest his chin on Taemin’s arm in silent consolation. “Why am I getting the feeling you’re mad at me right now?”
“I’m not mad.” But the reply was too quick, and they both knew it. Minho’s eyebrows disappeared behind long brown bangs. Taemin’s brow furrowed, lips pursed into a tight line. “Not at you, anyway.”
“So what are you mad about?” Taemin shook his head, looking away from Minho’s doe-eyed stare. “Taemin-ah, look-”
“-I just don’t want to share a hotel room with Jinki-hyung.” After a beat, Taemin turned to meet Minho’s bewildered gaze. “Whenever we go overseas, you’re always around. Even when Jonghyunnie-hyung and Key-umma are busy doing things and Jinki-hyung doesn’t pay attention to me…you’re always around.” He sat upright, still hugging the pillow to his chest. “But you won’t be there this time.”
He hated this feeling-this selfish, frustrating, hopeless pang in his heart that got progressively worse whenever he wasn’t with Minho-but he couldn’t help it.
Minho had obligations outside the group, he knew, especially now that he was a regular on Dream Team. Taemin knew it was childish of him. Stupid, even.
But Minho was always so nice and it made him irrationally envious of everyone Minho would come into contact with when he went to Canada.
Granted, Minho was always nice. He was nice to everyone he met.
He was nice to the kids that came with their parents during filming. He was nice to their SM sunbae-nim and their sunbae-nim from other companies, to their unnie-deul and their dongsaeng-deul.
But Taemin’s stomach always, always sunk the most whenever Minho talked about his hyung-deul. Because Minho was especially nice to his hyung-deul.
(And Taemin hated it, because it always, always made him wish-selfishly, almost irrationally-that he was just a little bit older.)
“If I promise I’ll call you everyday,” Minho murmured at length, tucking stray honey-gold bangs behind the maknae’s ear and pinching his cheeks until Taemin swatted his hands away, “will you stop being mad at me?”
Taemin shook his head, burrowing his face into the pillows and trying his best to ignore the stinging behind his closed eyelids.
“Aish…fine…w-well, how about if I get you something cool-something you can only get in Canada?” Taemin hesitated hearing that, but still shook his head. Minho must have noticed, because he chuckled and rubbed the maknae’s taut shoulders. “Okay, okay…then…”
“How about if I send you texts whenever I can, buy you something good, and promise that I won’t be a hyung-whore like everybody calls me on the Internet?”
That did it.
Taemin giggled, slowly lifting his head from the pillow while he and Minho shared a warm grin over their shared joke. Minho looked rather proud to have shaken Taemin from his mood earlier, he couldn’t help but notice. And of course, Taemin knew Minho’s promises were genuine. The older boy never made promises he didn’t intend to keep, after all.
It was nice to see the usually serious “Flaming Charisma” Minho let his guard down, if only for a silly little exchange like this.
“Well, I won’t hold you to the last part,” Taemin teased him, only laughing when Minho ruffled his hair in response. “But let’s definitely keep in contact while you’re gone. I’ll text you every hour on the hour about what’s happening here and you just text back whenever you’re free.” He smiled when he saw Minho’s eyes light up, as if he knew he was being forgiven. “I’ll send pictures if you send pictures, too!”
“And I’ll bring you back something cool from Canada,” Minho smiled back, pulling him into a lazy one-armed hug. “I promise.”
(He didn’t dare tell him that it was enough to know that Minho cared about his feelings enough to make him feel better-even about things they both knew they couldn’t change-and make him feel like he was the only dongsaeng Minho let his guard down for.)
[ Chapter 3 ]
-- both with my view on fandom in general and balancing fandom life with RL obligations --
I'm FINALLY back...with not one chapter but three chapters to share! *^^*
It's been a long time coming, but it's finally here. I'm about to start summer classes this week, but I swore to myself that I would update before I got busy again. That being said, I want to thank everyone who was patient with me and comes back to read this fic.
That is, provided I actually still have any readers left...after I disappeared so long......I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't OTL;;;;
Thank you once again to all who have waited and I hope you enjoy this special update of "알까요 이런 내 마음을"! :)
II. 난 열어놨어 내 맘의 문을.
[ I opened the door to my heart. ]
“So, guys.” Minho began slowly, halfway through dinner and three-quarters of the way through with eating everything on his plate. “Dream Team is going to Canada in about a week.”
Jinki’s fork fell to his plate with an uncomfortably loud clatter. Kibum dropped the serving spoon he had picked up, making an odd noise that sounded like a cross between a strangled cat and a gasp. Jonghyun promptly choked on his drink and had to lean on Jinki for support, coughing and wheezing away.
Taemin had no idea what his expression looked like, but as soon as the words left Minho’s lips, he felt his heart sink into the pit of his stomach.
“And how long were you planning on keeping this a secret from us?!” Kibum hissed, while Jonghyun nodded sagely in what Taemin assumed was agreement. “It’s been three days since you were on the set-!”
“We just got back from the Philippines yesterday, remember?” Minho tried to sound logical, but Kibum still didn’t look convinced. “So I only just checked my messages this morning…and we were busy today, too…” The tallest boy lowered his gaze to Kibum’s withering stare with a sigh. “That’s why I’m telling you now…”
“How long will you be gone?” Jinki asked, all too quickly trying to change the subject.
“Only for about a week.” Minho sighed again. Jinki patted his arm supportively. “I wish I wasn’t going either, but-”
“Don’t say that.” Everyone stared at Taemin, who put on the best smile he could manage. “You’re really lucky, hyung.” He inched his chair closer to Minho until their shoulders brushed. “I wish we could go there instead of Thailand. We’ve been there before, but never Canada.”
“We’d still be going overseas, though,” Jonghyun grinned, reaching over the table to ruffle Taemin’s hair, “so you’ll probably still get sick no matter where we went!”
“What should we call that?” Jinki chuckled. “Taemin’s Overseas Sickness?”
“It’s the Taemin Condition,” Minho remarked, eliciting laughter from everyone at the table.
But it wasn’t until Jinki nearly fell off his chair in hysterics over Minho’s joke that Kibum joined in too, falling over onto Jonghyun’s lap and laughing with his entire body.
After that, the rest of dinner was more than pleasant. The earlier tension created by Minho’s eventual departure was now-for the most part-forgotten and forgiven. Once dinner was over, everyone voted for Minho to wash the dishes.
“You ate the most out of all of us,” Kibum pointed out much to Minho’s chagrin, about to follow Jonghyun and Jinki down the hall until he saw Taemin following Minho into the kitchen with a couple of empty plates. “Taeminnie-ah, don’t worry about the dishes-you’re just getting better from the flu! Relax and come watch a movie with us!”
“I’m fine,” Taemin replied, not because he minded Kibum’s concern but because he really did feel much better than he had when they came home from recording earlier. “I’m fine now, umma, really. You go and relax with Jonghyunnie-hyung and Jinki-hyung - they’re waiting for you, right?”
“Hmmmmm…well, okay…if you say so…” Kibum’s footfalls eventually faded off somewhere down the corridor along with his voice. “Our door’s always open…if you need us for anything, just tell us …”
As soon as he heard the door to Jonghyun and Kibum’s bedroom slam shut, Taemin ran over to the couch and dove headlong into the cushions laid out neatly (something he never would have been able to do if hawkeyed Kibum was around) and flopped over onto his stomach to look at Minho gathering the last of the dishes.
Taemin liked a lot of things, but he loved nights like these the most.
These were his favorite kind of nights: nights without any schedule to attend to or worry about the next day, nights where the oldest three members would wander off somewhere and leave him and Minho to themselves, nights when he could lay down and laze around and just breathe. It was nice to be able to do that, especially since he was just starting to feel better, at last almost back to normal after being almost sure he had caught the swine flu.
It was especially nice, too, because he wasn’t alone like he had been the week before.
The recovery process was far from enjoyable, of course. Beside sweating out high fevers every hour, Taemin found out just how much he hated being holed up in his bedroom at home.
Granted, it was nice to be with his family again after so long. But the circumstances weren’t the greatest and the only time Taemin saw their faces without a surgeon’s mask was when he was finally able to walk around on his own again without falling over.
During the day, all Taemin did was lie down in bed, read books, and catch up on schoolwork. And at night-or whenever he didn’t feel like sitting up-all Taemin was dream about all the things he missed about life in the SHINee dorm.
And he missed his hyung-deul, of course. All of them.
“So who else is coming to Canada with you, hyung?” Taemin asked, peering up at the older boy through his bangs. “Everybody who’s normally on the set, or…?”
“Yeah, pretty much everyone’s coming. Joongki-hyung…Sangin-sunbaenim…everyone’s going…” Minho trailed off, thoughtful as he began scrubbing the plates. “Oh, except for Eunhyuk-hyung. Oh, and I think Sangchu-hyung’s coming, too…he should be free this week…”
Taemin nodded, making a noncommittal noise to show he was listening. But Minho must have taken his lack of response personally, because he left his post at the sink to walk over and sit on the floor beside the couch.
“Okay.” Minho sighed, resigned to rest his chin on Taemin’s arm in silent consolation. “Why am I getting the feeling you’re mad at me right now?”
“I’m not mad.” But the reply was too quick, and they both knew it. Minho’s eyebrows disappeared behind long brown bangs. Taemin’s brow furrowed, lips pursed into a tight line. “Not at you, anyway.”
“So what are you mad about?” Taemin shook his head, looking away from Minho’s doe-eyed stare. “Taemin-ah, look-”
“-I just don’t want to share a hotel room with Jinki-hyung.” After a beat, Taemin turned to meet Minho’s bewildered gaze. “Whenever we go overseas, you’re always around. Even when Jonghyunnie-hyung and Key-umma are busy doing things and Jinki-hyung doesn’t pay attention to me…you’re always around.” He sat upright, still hugging the pillow to his chest. “But you won’t be there this time.”
He hated this feeling-this selfish, frustrating, hopeless pang in his heart that got progressively worse whenever he wasn’t with Minho-but he couldn’t help it.
Minho had obligations outside the group, he knew, especially now that he was a regular on Dream Team. Taemin knew it was childish of him. Stupid, even.
But Minho was always so nice and it made him irrationally envious of everyone Minho would come into contact with when he went to Canada.
Granted, Minho was always nice. He was nice to everyone he met.
He was nice to the kids that came with their parents during filming. He was nice to their SM sunbae-nim and their sunbae-nim from other companies, to their unnie-deul and their dongsaeng-deul.
But Taemin’s stomach always, always sunk the most whenever Minho talked about his hyung-deul. Because Minho was especially nice to his hyung-deul.
(And Taemin hated it, because it always, always made him wish-selfishly, almost irrationally-that he was just a little bit older.)
“If I promise I’ll call you everyday,” Minho murmured at length, tucking stray honey-gold bangs behind the maknae’s ear and pinching his cheeks until Taemin swatted his hands away, “will you stop being mad at me?”
Taemin shook his head, burrowing his face into the pillows and trying his best to ignore the stinging behind his closed eyelids.
“Aish…fine…w-well, how about if I get you something cool-something you can only get in Canada?” Taemin hesitated hearing that, but still shook his head. Minho must have noticed, because he chuckled and rubbed the maknae’s taut shoulders. “Okay, okay…then…”
“How about if I send you texts whenever I can, buy you something good, and promise that I won’t be a hyung-whore like everybody calls me on the Internet?”
That did it.
Taemin giggled, slowly lifting his head from the pillow while he and Minho shared a warm grin over their shared joke. Minho looked rather proud to have shaken Taemin from his mood earlier, he couldn’t help but notice. And of course, Taemin knew Minho’s promises were genuine. The older boy never made promises he didn’t intend to keep, after all.
It was nice to see the usually serious “Flaming Charisma” Minho let his guard down, if only for a silly little exchange like this.
“Well, I won’t hold you to the last part,” Taemin teased him, only laughing when Minho ruffled his hair in response. “But let’s definitely keep in contact while you’re gone. I’ll text you every hour on the hour about what’s happening here and you just text back whenever you’re free.” He smiled when he saw Minho’s eyes light up, as if he knew he was being forgiven. “I’ll send pictures if you send pictures, too!”
“And I’ll bring you back something cool from Canada,” Minho smiled back, pulling him into a lazy one-armed hug. “I promise.”
(He didn’t dare tell him that it was enough to know that Minho cared about his feelings enough to make him feel better-even about things they both knew they couldn’t change-and make him feel like he was the only dongsaeng Minho let his guard down for.)
[ Chapter 3 ]