(no subject)
i feel like a vegetable. i'm unmotivated to do the simplest things. i sit on facebook searching (well, aimlessly) through albums of people i once knew, or never really knew at all. what a weird peephole into someone else's life. i go on the livejournal jr___nal site looking at the works and lives of other people but can barely adequately live mine. i check my phone compulsively for new texts from him. i tell myself 10 times a day "i can't do this" but know that telling him won't change anything. i live in a room that was once so clean and classy but now i can't even make the trip downstairs to change the dead lightbulbs. it smells like rat piss. my sheets have his stains on them that i secretly don't want to get rid of. i step on the scale and wonder how i possibly managed to gain over 10 lbs in the past year. i look in the mirror and i'm not wearing makeup and i look like a child. my hair almost touches my butt and hangs there limply and i look like a virginous vixen - younger than i am. should i cut it? i ask myself this all the time. it's just a sentimental attatchment. but i need a change. yet i'm still the dumb bitch who actually buys that shit about "chaning your living quarters and looks to create a NEW YOU" when i really can't change who i am, that's bullshit, i just need to get over it and embrace me. i'm the trash-talking waste who regardless of a straight-A educational career still manages to only explain sticky situations through the use of cliché profanities. i can't remember having it this bad. i literally can't stop crying. i'm TRYING to snap out of it but this is just fucking awful and i can't talk to anyone because i don't want to bother Mark or Andoni who are just adjusting to college but i feel like i have no one else so instead i'm alone in bed and i don't want to fucking be a self-pitying bitch but i can't even move from bed. i want to sleep with xanax. everything makes me sad, the church bulletin and how hard they try and how no one has any faith, myself included, and when i went to my mom's prayer group and no one was there and she sat alone in the church house parlor and she's such a beautiful ideal person, fragile and small but with the biggest heart of anyone i know. i need to try to be more like her.