(no subject)
i can't focus on work; i'm too upset, everything with mark is simply making everything harder. absence does not make the heart grow fonder. it ruins the heart.
mom's in michigan - her dad's in the hospital, they thought he was having appendix problems but it turns out he's not getting any bloodflow to his stomach. he hasn't been able to eat except through iv's. he needs a triple bypass, probably. i'm not good with medical knowledge but i know that it's serious heart surgery.
i hate to see her so upset, but i'm also upset. i feel i have the right to see my boyfriend, if i'm responsible enough to get myself where i need to be, do my work, take care of the house, go to my little brothers fucking open house because THEY were too busy to, i should be responsible enough therefore to spend the night with my fucking boyfriend because things haven't been the same since he went to school.
he came back up last weekend and for those two days i could pretend things were how they used to be. on monday we watched curb your enthusiasm, went to the beach... but it was different. something feels different.
when i went to the open house tonight, i parked in his old spot. walking down the halls for my first full day of classes felt like there was nothing to look forwards to. there was no free period where we could drive around and talk, there was no waiting to get a ride from him and go to his house and make love, watch tv, simply be. instead i felt like i didn't belong, like i didn't know who to talk to or why i was there. everytime i call him, there's people laughing and talking in the background. last night, i heard several typical valley girls squealing in the background and i wanted to smack someone, hit someone. just make them SHUT UP. i had to sign off, i couldn't stand even their presence. i know mark has no interest in interacting with them but the fact that they were there bothered me. the fact that i feel so out of touch with him bothers me. the fact that he said he feels like "a little kid" because i can't spend the night bothers me.
i talked to jamie about it yesterday and she's going through the same thing with mano, she understands and i really enjoyed talking to her, having someone to talk to. ryan and claire broke up - i don't know if i mentioned that - but his asshole tendencies disgust me. i saw that coming with them, kind of, and frankly i don't think she deserves him.
i just don't know what to do.. i feel generally unhappy now, purposeless. i feel like i can't even think of what to write, put into words.
i want to stop dwelling on this and find something that makes me happy, but i don't know what.
mom's in michigan - her dad's in the hospital, they thought he was having appendix problems but it turns out he's not getting any bloodflow to his stomach. he hasn't been able to eat except through iv's. he needs a triple bypass, probably. i'm not good with medical knowledge but i know that it's serious heart surgery.
i hate to see her so upset, but i'm also upset. i feel i have the right to see my boyfriend, if i'm responsible enough to get myself where i need to be, do my work, take care of the house, go to my little brothers fucking open house because THEY were too busy to, i should be responsible enough therefore to spend the night with my fucking boyfriend because things haven't been the same since he went to school.
he came back up last weekend and for those two days i could pretend things were how they used to be. on monday we watched curb your enthusiasm, went to the beach... but it was different. something feels different.
when i went to the open house tonight, i parked in his old spot. walking down the halls for my first full day of classes felt like there was nothing to look forwards to. there was no free period where we could drive around and talk, there was no waiting to get a ride from him and go to his house and make love, watch tv, simply be. instead i felt like i didn't belong, like i didn't know who to talk to or why i was there. everytime i call him, there's people laughing and talking in the background. last night, i heard several typical valley girls squealing in the background and i wanted to smack someone, hit someone. just make them SHUT UP. i had to sign off, i couldn't stand even their presence. i know mark has no interest in interacting with them but the fact that they were there bothered me. the fact that i feel so out of touch with him bothers me. the fact that he said he feels like "a little kid" because i can't spend the night bothers me.
i talked to jamie about it yesterday and she's going through the same thing with mano, she understands and i really enjoyed talking to her, having someone to talk to. ryan and claire broke up - i don't know if i mentioned that - but his asshole tendencies disgust me. i saw that coming with them, kind of, and frankly i don't think she deserves him.
i just don't know what to do.. i feel generally unhappy now, purposeless. i feel like i can't even think of what to write, put into words.
i want to stop dwelling on this and find something that makes me happy, but i don't know what.