(no subject)
I'm drained and overwhelmed, two feelings which have become almost normal lately. I'm crying still, but it's okay. I think it's going to be okay.
Play tonight was particularly hard. I feel like there's so much I've been meaning to do that I don't know what it all was. I have an AP Euro test tomorrow that she just announced Monday, and I haven't read half the chapter. I want to see Mark, just be with him. Do nothing with him, just sit and talk, anything to be in his presence. I didn't feel well and was drained and was entirely aware of my lack of character, trying to get the blocking down and constantly being yelled at. My walk was "pulling me down", Rinello kept having to revise it, every once in a while I'd get a "well, that was almost mediocre" if I was lucky. I wasn't fully there - I'd zone out and space out onstage, missing lines because I was bringing everything else on my mind with me. I had to let it out, I went into the hallway crying, came back to do the rest of my scenes through the night half-assed.
I felt so unbelievably patronized, I could understand why so many actors have problems. I was considering what to say to Stella Adler to revoke my application and audition date, and thinking - "this isn't for me." Because I felt so completely done for.
Watching Isabel or Jeanette onstage, I couldn't help but compare myself. I'm so far behind, I hate that, at least tonight. I felt like a handicap in some ways.
At the end of the night, Rinello said she wanted me to stay, and I just started crying. Even if I'd tried to hold it back, tears would have came out involuntarily.. I just felt so MUCH I was thinking and couldn't really say effectively. Looking back, it's pretty embarassing... me sitting on the floor with my head in my hands sobbing like a five-year-old, Sam, Rinello, and Isabel all next to me. Rinello felt bad, I could tell. I felt bad in that sense.. she apologized and said she wouldn't yell at me anymore because it was tensing me up. I felt bad because I said it wasn't just her, it was that everything was overbearing which explained why I was upset. Normally I can take her, and her comments and shrug them off but tonight it just topped everything. I mentioned my doubts about the part, about everything, I couldn't stop talking. She reassured me and so did Isabel but its the kind of thing I worry people say because they feel bad and don't know what else to say. Isabel's so sweet, gave me a hug and told me about all the times she found it hard to get into character, which was difficult to believe but reassuring nonetheless. Mark waited for me, said he wanted to help me, listened to me cry, and said he would've waited until 5 in the morning if he had to. I'm so grateful. I really am. Even Sam yesterday was talking to me about her anxiety and what she does to help it, urging me to find time in my day, even if it's just a half hour, to devote to myself and doing something I enjoy. It's nice having people who understand.
My problem is I can't become so absorbed with this envy - Isabel as a better actress, Jeanette for the better voice, Jamie for being skinny, Claire for the boobs. I need to learn to say "fuck it", to embrace myself for what I am and be fine with that... love myself not in a conceited way but more in a self-help, self-security way. I think it takes time but I want to work on that.
Play tonight was particularly hard. I feel like there's so much I've been meaning to do that I don't know what it all was. I have an AP Euro test tomorrow that she just announced Monday, and I haven't read half the chapter. I want to see Mark, just be with him. Do nothing with him, just sit and talk, anything to be in his presence. I didn't feel well and was drained and was entirely aware of my lack of character, trying to get the blocking down and constantly being yelled at. My walk was "pulling me down", Rinello kept having to revise it, every once in a while I'd get a "well, that was almost mediocre" if I was lucky. I wasn't fully there - I'd zone out and space out onstage, missing lines because I was bringing everything else on my mind with me. I had to let it out, I went into the hallway crying, came back to do the rest of my scenes through the night half-assed.
I felt so unbelievably patronized, I could understand why so many actors have problems. I was considering what to say to Stella Adler to revoke my application and audition date, and thinking - "this isn't for me." Because I felt so completely done for.
Watching Isabel or Jeanette onstage, I couldn't help but compare myself. I'm so far behind, I hate that, at least tonight. I felt like a handicap in some ways.
At the end of the night, Rinello said she wanted me to stay, and I just started crying. Even if I'd tried to hold it back, tears would have came out involuntarily.. I just felt so MUCH I was thinking and couldn't really say effectively. Looking back, it's pretty embarassing... me sitting on the floor with my head in my hands sobbing like a five-year-old, Sam, Rinello, and Isabel all next to me. Rinello felt bad, I could tell. I felt bad in that sense.. she apologized and said she wouldn't yell at me anymore because it was tensing me up. I felt bad because I said it wasn't just her, it was that everything was overbearing which explained why I was upset. Normally I can take her, and her comments and shrug them off but tonight it just topped everything. I mentioned my doubts about the part, about everything, I couldn't stop talking. She reassured me and so did Isabel but its the kind of thing I worry people say because they feel bad and don't know what else to say. Isabel's so sweet, gave me a hug and told me about all the times she found it hard to get into character, which was difficult to believe but reassuring nonetheless. Mark waited for me, said he wanted to help me, listened to me cry, and said he would've waited until 5 in the morning if he had to. I'm so grateful. I really am. Even Sam yesterday was talking to me about her anxiety and what she does to help it, urging me to find time in my day, even if it's just a half hour, to devote to myself and doing something I enjoy. It's nice having people who understand.
My problem is I can't become so absorbed with this envy - Isabel as a better actress, Jeanette for the better voice, Jamie for being skinny, Claire for the boobs. I need to learn to say "fuck it", to embrace myself for what I am and be fine with that... love myself not in a conceited way but more in a self-help, self-security way. I think it takes time but I want to work on that.