(no subject)
Never use a facemask unless you're willing to turn completely pale and washed out afterwards. I look blue.
I went to Marni's today for the first time in 6 months. Initially, I was somewhat relieved, excited, considering how maybe she'd help or understand. It's not that things are horrible and need immediate remedy, it's just that they're not great. Once I got there, I updated her briefly on my summer, said it was good, my mom gave a little more freedom but still is ridiculously distrusting and offensively repetitive, that social life is okay with Ryan, Mark, and Claire but i'm hesitantly worried about next year. I mentioned wanting to switch high schools and like my mom, she said it would be pointless now. The truth was spoken that all I can do is focus on after high school.. college.. and ride these 2 (3.. fuck) more years out, despite the massive adjustment without them here. Honestly, that's the main reason i'd want to switch - among others, but just that.. i don't even know but i'm so, terrified of the absence i'll feel. I didn't mention that to her, though, because she went on to a quick talk about safe sex, didn't ask much more on Mark and talked about college. I must've spent over a half hour.. 45 minutes maybe.. listening to her "success stories." How every one of her patients has gotten into the college they wanted. How this year, if I want to go to an arts school, I have to start putting together a portfolio. Summer programs and tuition costs. If coming to a therapy session is supposed to take a weight off my shoulders and relieve me of anything, I definitely left feeling considerably worse than before I went there. Close to tears, even. We didn't even touch on the main problem - the recent anxiety and stomachaches. She gave me a list of colleges that I want to look at. I can't even remember at what point in the conversation is was, but she said something about "maybe, but maybe not" about everything lasting with Mark and implied that I could easily go off to Montreal and be this independent person coming out of college focused mostly on my future and success. Am I the only one who hopes this way or thinks this way? To span in my mind a high school relationship this far? It wasn't fair, I didn't have enough time to explain to her what we have, what I think we do, how happy he makes me, what we talk about. Now that I think about it, I'm glad I didn't. At the end, she said she'd see me next week and every week until she decides - AND WHY? i was acting decent enough, does she think she has this ability to read people? Because I felt like there were times in the past where it was obvious I should be seeing more of her, and she was eager to decrease the sessions. Now, of all times, even after talking about how expensive college is and the cost of the acting programs, she expects my mom to pay $520+ a month. What disturbed me the most was the fact that she didn't even tell me why she wanted to keep seeing me so badly. Even after saying no to the "self-harm" aspects. I thought I acted fine.
On the car ride home, I had a bit of smalltalk with my mom and she mentioned something again about his going to college, and I said something about seeing him on the weekends. She said something about "..relationships changing if you'll even be together" and once again the message was given to me for the second time, of uncertainty and doubt in something they have no idea of and it's all I can do to keep from doubting it or losing hope myself. I don't fucking want to. I don't think it'd be possible for me to find someone I could be completely honest with, but that's what I need. I always feel like I'm listening and helping others but I wish someone would fucking tell me it'll be okay or it'll all work out the way I so often have to tell other people.
I think, although this sounds pitiful and ridiculous, what I'm scared of the most is abandonment. I've felt that way in the past, this emptiness after Lula left and never talking the way we used to and never hanging out and being forgotten. I meet people I feel so close to, and then drop communication. They forget. Like Anna, or anyone from this past summer. Even when I promise it wouldn't be that way. Jenny, I know I didn't do enough to help the situation and I probably made it worse but everyone is far away and I don't know if they'll ever come back. Like most things recently, I relate this to Mark and just WORRY.
But in spite of everything, I couldn't (and wouldn't) change it.
I went to Marni's today for the first time in 6 months. Initially, I was somewhat relieved, excited, considering how maybe she'd help or understand. It's not that things are horrible and need immediate remedy, it's just that they're not great. Once I got there, I updated her briefly on my summer, said it was good, my mom gave a little more freedom but still is ridiculously distrusting and offensively repetitive, that social life is okay with Ryan, Mark, and Claire but i'm hesitantly worried about next year. I mentioned wanting to switch high schools and like my mom, she said it would be pointless now. The truth was spoken that all I can do is focus on after high school.. college.. and ride these 2 (3.. fuck) more years out, despite the massive adjustment without them here. Honestly, that's the main reason i'd want to switch - among others, but just that.. i don't even know but i'm so, terrified of the absence i'll feel. I didn't mention that to her, though, because she went on to a quick talk about safe sex, didn't ask much more on Mark and talked about college. I must've spent over a half hour.. 45 minutes maybe.. listening to her "success stories." How every one of her patients has gotten into the college they wanted. How this year, if I want to go to an arts school, I have to start putting together a portfolio. Summer programs and tuition costs. If coming to a therapy session is supposed to take a weight off my shoulders and relieve me of anything, I definitely left feeling considerably worse than before I went there. Close to tears, even. We didn't even touch on the main problem - the recent anxiety and stomachaches. She gave me a list of colleges that I want to look at. I can't even remember at what point in the conversation is was, but she said something about "maybe, but maybe not" about everything lasting with Mark and implied that I could easily go off to Montreal and be this independent person coming out of college focused mostly on my future and success. Am I the only one who hopes this way or thinks this way? To span in my mind a high school relationship this far? It wasn't fair, I didn't have enough time to explain to her what we have, what I think we do, how happy he makes me, what we talk about. Now that I think about it, I'm glad I didn't. At the end, she said she'd see me next week and every week until she decides - AND WHY? i was acting decent enough, does she think she has this ability to read people? Because I felt like there were times in the past where it was obvious I should be seeing more of her, and she was eager to decrease the sessions. Now, of all times, even after talking about how expensive college is and the cost of the acting programs, she expects my mom to pay $520+ a month. What disturbed me the most was the fact that she didn't even tell me why she wanted to keep seeing me so badly. Even after saying no to the "self-harm" aspects. I thought I acted fine.
On the car ride home, I had a bit of smalltalk with my mom and she mentioned something again about his going to college, and I said something about seeing him on the weekends. She said something about "..relationships changing if you'll even be together" and once again the message was given to me for the second time, of uncertainty and doubt in something they have no idea of and it's all I can do to keep from doubting it or losing hope myself. I don't fucking want to. I don't think it'd be possible for me to find someone I could be completely honest with, but that's what I need. I always feel like I'm listening and helping others but I wish someone would fucking tell me it'll be okay or it'll all work out the way I so often have to tell other people.
I think, although this sounds pitiful and ridiculous, what I'm scared of the most is abandonment. I've felt that way in the past, this emptiness after Lula left and never talking the way we used to and never hanging out and being forgotten. I meet people I feel so close to, and then drop communication. They forget. Like Anna, or anyone from this past summer. Even when I promise it wouldn't be that way. Jenny, I know I didn't do enough to help the situation and I probably made it worse but everyone is far away and I don't know if they'll ever come back. Like most things recently, I relate this to Mark and just WORRY.
But in spite of everything, I couldn't (and wouldn't) change it.