[emo rant]
SO MUCH TO FUCKING RANT ABOUT.
UGH. I really dont like how Leeteuk is 24/7 smilling. REALLY? IDGI. I wanna swipe that smile off his face. Just don't bother with it, especially if you like, wrote emo entries and continue being all smiley smiley on camera. just stop it. It's fake and annoying.
Shipping Kangmin till the end of time. Please. Kangteuk, whateverrrrrr. Kangmin is adorable, not to mention 2woon. Kangteuk friendship is nice... yeah whatever, anyways.
Still not getting over Kangin...
AND I END UP DROPPING MY KANGIN PHONECHARM. THE ONLY KANGIN THING I BOUGHT. The thing I probably most treasure... and I fucking dropped it.
HEARTBREAK. Seriously. I cried that night cuz life was so unfair. Why couldn't I have dropped like, Hyuk.. or Hae... or even Min... why my KANGIN.
I refuse to believe its some omen, that in the near future I will drop Kangin or something. NO. FUCK NO. I will never ever drop that stupid raccoon. God. I dropped. Kangin.
RL SHIT: Going semi insane. Legit insane. Broke down in front of one of the last person I would want to break down in front of. Surprisingly I stopped myself from humiliation, I realize I still got that ONE strand of rationality to keep my fucking mouth shut and stop spewing my feelings. I feel like I really really need to cheer up soon... and I'm looking at smoking to help me do that.
Parents aren't being nice either, giving me a lot of shit I don't want to take. Don't tell me to fucking 'carry on the family name'. BUDDY WE"RE IN THE 21st century, NOT ANCIENT CHINA. I WONT BE HAVING KIDS, JSYK. Like, JYSK. Seriously, stop it with the 'if ur gay ur out of my house' bullshit. Okay, stop being so conservative.
And I can't stop fighting with them. Fuck, I just don't want more shit in my life, I don't want to listen to you be a bitch, and how you act like a whore, and make everyone do things according to you. I can't take it. I really don't want to take it, but you're like, my best friend. I can't.
I know I act like a stuck-up bitch, like right now. But I can't help it. I really feel like crying. I just want to stay in bed for a whole day and just cry. Just fucking purge myself of all these emotions. I mean, I know in the long run this isn't gonna be good for my health. I feel myself stressing out for no reason. Yay to potential cancer and high bloodpressure and diabetes (all three run pretty common in the family).
I don't even care, if I can't be happy right now, why the fuck should I even care about what comes later in life. Do I even want a 'later in life'? I mean seriously, friends that don't really understand me, parents that dont give a shit about me, and I'm bordering insanity because... I can't handle it?
You all call me a bitch. I mean, okay sometimes I give attitude, but it's my way of expressing myself, it's my identity, the only identity I have. I don't know who I really am, I don't wnat to find out. These past months have been horrible, I don't even get it. It's like I'm purposely moodswinging so I have an identity. I really don't understand myself. I don't even know anymore.
I remember I broke down at his house, first time I really really cried in front of someone else. Definately wasn't the last time. The more I break down in front of other people, the worse I feel, and really, I don't think I could ever truly be happy anymore. I honestly don't. Not even going to SM Town in LA will truly make me happy. I just feel all isolated, from my niche, from my family, from all the people who I once thought were close to me.
I know I'm letting my sanity slip away. I see all of this happening, what can I do though... maybe, maybe this is what I want. I've never been a happy person. I never really looked forward to being happy, why is being happy the normal thing. Happiness? Whatever. I don't need that shit. The small things in life that spontaneously make me happy are more than enough.
Gonna try and get my hands on cigarettes tomorrow. Sometime before I meet up with them at night. Idoncare anymore. Whatever. Live life now with no regrets.
I really really hate my life. My head hurts, and truth me told, times like this is when I just want to give it all up.
What comes after death? I'm actually intrigued by that question. Very much intrigued...