Is there another way?

[dancrchick1213]

We'll the only way I can put this is being confused as hell once again. Excuse the language. Honestly though I really don't understand. It like God knows that things are going well and he can't help, but challenge me when I'm at my peak. This isn't a challenge though, this is second grade drama. Why the heck do I have to do this again. I've already gone through it once and failed miserably. So is that why? Is this one of those try until you succeed type things, because I don't like it! I guess thats the point though. Who likes being out of their normality? I know I don't, but when does it end. When can I go back to not having to feel like this? Right now I don't know which direction to take this. I've already been down one path and look where that lead me... nowhere. I keep feeling as if I take the other path that will screw me over just as well. Its like there is no winning this time around. It just isn't meant to be. I don't see how thats possible though when I'm really happy (when things go right at least)It's like everything is going good, too good so the next moment something has to happen to change it all around and confuse me again. At this point I'm not even sure if anything I'm saying even makes sense. I mean can't things go a little better so I'm at least able to get sleep at night. Thats the worst, when my thoughts are so jumbled together that its hard to sleep. Its all that has been crossing my mind. Its hard to pay attention to anything else, but the problem at hand. I've done this before and it screwed up who I am and how I handle most situations. I can't be that person again. I remember the last situation as if it happened yesterday. I've been thinking about it a lot more since it came to haunt me again. There are things I will do differently I can tell you that much, but it still doesn't solve anything. I want to act normal and treat things as if they don't bother me one bit. They do, who am I kidding. Its really getting to me. I want to just say forget it over and over, but its so much easier said than done. I wish It wasn't it would make things so much better if my actions spoke louder than words. Really though I don't think I would be happy with that outcome either. I just want to scream! Why does it have to be this complicated. As soon as everything starts going well is when it takes a turn for the worst. It's starting to sound like a drama out of a movie, except I don't think this one has a fairy tale ending. I'll have to take this one day at a time.

I'm honestly not sure what mood I'm in right now:
aggravated- with the situation
annoyed- that its the second time
cheerful- because I'm with people that are making me laugh
confused- as to where this will take me
crushed- by being stood up
curious- as to what is on his mind
devious- because I'll do anything to stop her
disappointed- in both of them
embarrassed- by people knowing
envious- of the fact that they talk
jealous- above all
scared- because I've planned for the worst