Seagulls and See? Goals!
You know on day-by-day calendars, you've got that strip of glue at the top that constitutes the binding? It's fun to rip off as you advance through the months, although I'm always a bit dissatisfied when I do a little bit at a time. Last year I resolved that my 2007 Far Side "Off the Wall" calendar would be the first one where I would go the whole year without ever ripping off the binding as I advanced. I'm proud to report that this morning I tore a full year's worth of old glue off.
Who says I'm not goal-oriented?
Speaking of gulls, this morning I saw a huuuuuuuuuge flock of seagulls* flying around downtown DC. I thought this was unusual, until I saw a ton of pigeons, the sworn mortal enemies of the gulls, perched on a building nearby. The city is, obviously, pigeon territory - clearly I was witnessing a massive assault campaign. Surely the pigeons will be mounting a Doolittle-esque raid on the harbor in the coming weeks.
*Technically, the collective noun for a group of gulls is a "colony," not a flock, but only fools use collective nouns (which would be a "ship of fools").
This reminded me of when I lived in a high-rise apartment building. The craggy tiers surely reminded the pigeon, or "rock dove," of its natural, cliffy habitat. This meant a balcony full of pigeon poop.
I soon concocted, in my head, a story of war between us and the pigeons. We tried everything to defend our home against the interlopers. First we thought maybe it would be possible to "train" the pigeons not to land there by imitating the noises of birds of prey [SKREEE!], or by shooting them with water pistols, or by setting off fireworks while they were out there. I would, of course, have NEVER physically harmed the birds - I'm more like He-Man, who had ample opportunity to kill Skeletor, but preferred just to deflate his ego and teach him a lesson.
Of course, for every bird that we, in theory, "trained," billions more would take its place. It was time to develop a PDS - a Pigeon Defense System. I set myself up as a defense contractor. Coating the railing in aluminum foil didn't work, plus it had a very low RAF (Roommate Approval Factor). Next I used a far less visually obtrusive method: tying a thin wire of fishing line a few inches above the railing.
This seemed to work, as the pigeons would try to perch there, get caught up, and fly away.
Then they learned that they could just land on my neighbor's undefended balcony and crawl under the divider, bypassing our railing. Somehow they managed to relay this message to all their friends (but apparently couldn't warn them about the "cliff with the explody things") and we were more inundated than ever.
I closed up the gap between the two balconies, and a ceasefire was declared.
One time at a Metro station I saw a pigeon whose unique plumage made it look like it had the head of a dove. I decided that this was the leader of the pigeons, and it was wearing the severed head of a former tribal enemy.
Where was I going? Oh yeah, you kids stay outta my barn!
Who says I'm not goal-oriented?
Speaking of gulls, this morning I saw a huuuuuuuuuge flock of seagulls* flying around downtown DC. I thought this was unusual, until I saw a ton of pigeons, the sworn mortal enemies of the gulls, perched on a building nearby. The city is, obviously, pigeon territory - clearly I was witnessing a massive assault campaign. Surely the pigeons will be mounting a Doolittle-esque raid on the harbor in the coming weeks.
*Technically, the collective noun for a group of gulls is a "colony," not a flock, but only fools use collective nouns (which would be a "ship of fools").
This reminded me of when I lived in a high-rise apartment building. The craggy tiers surely reminded the pigeon, or "rock dove," of its natural, cliffy habitat. This meant a balcony full of pigeon poop.
I soon concocted, in my head, a story of war between us and the pigeons. We tried everything to defend our home against the interlopers. First we thought maybe it would be possible to "train" the pigeons not to land there by imitating the noises of birds of prey [SKREEE!], or by shooting them with water pistols, or by setting off fireworks while they were out there. I would, of course, have NEVER physically harmed the birds - I'm more like He-Man, who had ample opportunity to kill Skeletor, but preferred just to deflate his ego and teach him a lesson.
Of course, for every bird that we, in theory, "trained," billions more would take its place. It was time to develop a PDS - a Pigeon Defense System. I set myself up as a defense contractor. Coating the railing in aluminum foil didn't work, plus it had a very low RAF (Roommate Approval Factor). Next I used a far less visually obtrusive method: tying a thin wire of fishing line a few inches above the railing.
This seemed to work, as the pigeons would try to perch there, get caught up, and fly away.
Then they learned that they could just land on my neighbor's undefended balcony and crawl under the divider, bypassing our railing. Somehow they managed to relay this message to all their friends (but apparently couldn't warn them about the "cliff with the explody things") and we were more inundated than ever.
I closed up the gap between the two balconies, and a ceasefire was declared.
One time at a Metro station I saw a pigeon whose unique plumage made it look like it had the head of a dove. I decided that this was the leader of the pigeons, and it was wearing the severed head of a former tribal enemy.
Where was I going? Oh yeah, you kids stay outta my barn!