"No Goodbyes"
"Just remember our promise....you and me, together again, happy, healthy."
Quotes from the episode of Dawson's Creek I just watched. The one where Andie goes back to Providence to get better therapy and to "get better". I wish I remembered what was wrong with her....I haven't watched that show in ages. But all that went on in the episode with Andie and Pacey reminded me of things, things in my own life. Speaking of my life, its getting really messy. I'm fighting and struggling to maintain this happiness and its really taking its toll on me. I'm so tired. And worse of all, I've gained weight. I'm up to 93lbs now. I hate that. I want to be 85 or less. And I don't admit it, but I still think about suicide A LOT. In fact , I think about suicide nearly every day. But I am trying so hard to do the happy thing. I don't even want to be happy for myself really, I want to be happy for my friends. Because they try so hard to keep me happy. But then I feel like I'm being a fake me, like its not the real Lauren. And sometimes I wonder if the real Lauren was even happy to begin with. I mean if you have to try and work so hard to be happy, then is that really real? I just wish I was certain that my friends still loved me even when I was depressed, instead of just dealing with me and loving the "happy" Lauren.
Quotes from the episode of Dawson's Creek I just watched. The one where Andie goes back to Providence to get better therapy and to "get better". I wish I remembered what was wrong with her....I haven't watched that show in ages. But all that went on in the episode with Andie and Pacey reminded me of things, things in my own life. Speaking of my life, its getting really messy. I'm fighting and struggling to maintain this happiness and its really taking its toll on me. I'm so tired. And worse of all, I've gained weight. I'm up to 93lbs now. I hate that. I want to be 85 or less. And I don't admit it, but I still think about suicide A LOT. In fact , I think about suicide nearly every day. But I am trying so hard to do the happy thing. I don't even want to be happy for myself really, I want to be happy for my friends. Because they try so hard to keep me happy. But then I feel like I'm being a fake me, like its not the real Lauren. And sometimes I wonder if the real Lauren was even happy to begin with. I mean if you have to try and work so hard to be happy, then is that really real? I just wish I was certain that my friends still loved me even when I was depressed, instead of just dealing with me and loving the "happy" Lauren.