Why?
What I don't understand is why he ever promised anything to begin with. I remember I was so excited yet scared on my Sweet 16 when he came. I was living with Danny at the time and I missed my mother so much. It was the first time I would be alone with him that I could remember. I finally had my dad all to myself for a whole week. He did whatever I wanted and was patient with me since I did have exams. He went to all my open houses with me and even went out with Danny a few times. Danny didn't believe me when I told him that my dad and I had no relationship whatsoever. Plane tickets, cards, child support, and having a step mom, with two brothers and a sister didn't make our relationship like he thought it would. Danny made me cry when he told me that he was telling my dad who his daughter was. Danny hadn't even known me for more than six months and he was telling my father who I was when I'd been alive for 16 years.
We talked about so many things for the first time. For the first time I felt close to him and I forgave him. I forgave him for leaving me and then coming back years later. I forgave him for marrying Doris and starting a new life without me. I forgave him for everything he'd ever done to me. He promised me he'd be a better father, that he would try to have a better relationship with me. I promised that I'd try to have a better relationship with him and even Doris. He promised me and then moved to Alaska. All of his promises got lost on the way up there.
The only thing that came on time was child support. Cards and presents were late, he's forgotten my two birthdays since then. I call him after I haven't heard from him in a month, just hoping that maybe he'd remember me...his daughter...his first child. Even when I do get to talk to him it's just so hard. He works all the time and since they are four hours behind I'm getting ready for bed by the time he gets home from work. Then though he has to go to the church and do work there so really I just get what he can squeeze in. He always forgets to say he loves me before he hangs up the phone. When I flew up to Alaska he was distant except for when it came too talking to my mother about me staying in Alaska instead of going back to Michigan. I don't even really think he wanted me to stay, it was just to have something to fight about with my mother. Even at my graduation it was like he didn't even know who I was. My uncle and aunt were more excited to see me than my own dad who also didn't even say a word when I excitedly told him that I had gotten a scholarship. My friends were more excited for me.
I'm so sick of trying. I'm sick of having this emptiness inside because I want a father so bad. I keep trying to make him a part of my life and asking him for advice and for help, even if I don't really care to hear it. All my life I've waited around...I waited for him to come back to me, I waited for him to say he was sorry, and now I'm waiting for him to realize that he's my dad and he just keeps breaking my heart.