Catch
I lost the Internet for a while, so here's to playing catch-up.
**********TYING UP LOSE ENDS**********
~Leaving on Thursday. Saying GB to the ppl I love. The ppl who I think would care. Tying up lose ends.
~If I go, I think I'll see my grandmother as well. Her therapist called my Mom today FROM BRASIL b/c I sounded depressed on the phone causing to gramma get even more depressed after hearing my voice. Why do I have such power? What gives me that right? Why am I responsible for so many ppl's hapiness and wellbeing? The world does not and SHOULD NOT revolve around me!
~Seeing Dylan tonight. I hope he worked out the situation w/ the girl he's w/ but doesn't really like in a way other than a friend. I'm glad I got to talk to him that one day.
~Seeing James tomorrow (?) Note 2 self: reserve no expectation lest u wanna b bruised again. It'll be thru no fault of his own. There can be nothing b/t us; He shouldn't have to deal w/ me and my issues. I can't blame him for nething.
**************************SEX**************************
~I talked to Mom about having sex yesterday. Conclusion: Done for the wrong reasons, result in dissappointment, but not anger; Sadness b/c I'll regret it. Me w/ Ann last night: "I won't be around long enough to regret it! It's not gonna hit me!"
~I'm beginning to think that sex and "making love" isn't what it used to be. No longer is it an intimate act of ultimate love shared by two people who care about one another. It's a recreational activity, a cardiovascular exercise. Very few attatch emotions nowadays, and those who do, only do it b/c of the neuroendocrine reactions that take place w/ hormonal releases. That's why *I* was attatched. (Hmmm . . . is this what James was talking about when he said he couldn't get ne real emotion out of me? My objectification of everthing?)
*******************FRIENDS AND BENEFITS************************
~That friend that's only my friend in private b/c of his girlfriend, has been validating her reason to hate me: the things he says, the way he flirts w/ me. I remember that kind of flirting. It's the kind Mon Ami and I did for 5 years until it errupted. Except w/ THIS kid, it's one-sided; I dont reciprocate this flirtation.
Two days ago he made it clear he had feelings for me. He mentioned the word "love" but I think it was meant as a friend. He said he was sorry for not making our friendship public. It really didn't matter to me either way, except for the fact that it was just one more person that I was a "dirty little secret" to.
I dont have feelings for him. And I think its unfair to his girlfriend, who is obviously so in love with him and insecure that she has to have a jealous rage if he even TALKS to another girl, that he is still w/ her, showing his affection to her face, but displaying his doubts in her absence. I told him that (in other words).
He could have been a great friend.
~Another Friend Front.... I talked w/ Don that day too! Played a few mind games w/ him concerning the night we slept together. Seneca was online too, so we got to have a little fun. The funny part is: it didn't even phase him. He's one of those ppl who woud only be friends w/ me when I looked the way I did last semester. Now that I resemble something somewhat of a monstrocity, his "friendship" and other relations w/ me falter. Superficial. Hmph. But what I wouldn't give to still belong to that world. Just to know I was beautiful enough to be accepted.
**********TYING UP LOSE ENDS**********
~Leaving on Thursday. Saying GB to the ppl I love. The ppl who I think would care. Tying up lose ends.
~If I go, I think I'll see my grandmother as well. Her therapist called my Mom today FROM BRASIL b/c I sounded depressed on the phone causing to gramma get even more depressed after hearing my voice. Why do I have such power? What gives me that right? Why am I responsible for so many ppl's hapiness and wellbeing? The world does not and SHOULD NOT revolve around me!
~Seeing Dylan tonight. I hope he worked out the situation w/ the girl he's w/ but doesn't really like in a way other than a friend. I'm glad I got to talk to him that one day.
~Seeing James tomorrow (?) Note 2 self: reserve no expectation lest u wanna b bruised again. It'll be thru no fault of his own. There can be nothing b/t us; He shouldn't have to deal w/ me and my issues. I can't blame him for nething.
**************************SEX**************************
~I talked to Mom about having sex yesterday. Conclusion: Done for the wrong reasons, result in dissappointment, but not anger; Sadness b/c I'll regret it. Me w/ Ann last night: "I won't be around long enough to regret it! It's not gonna hit me!"
~I'm beginning to think that sex and "making love" isn't what it used to be. No longer is it an intimate act of ultimate love shared by two people who care about one another. It's a recreational activity, a cardiovascular exercise. Very few attatch emotions nowadays, and those who do, only do it b/c of the neuroendocrine reactions that take place w/ hormonal releases. That's why *I* was attatched. (Hmmm . . . is this what James was talking about when he said he couldn't get ne real emotion out of me? My objectification of everthing?)
*******************FRIENDS AND BENEFITS************************
~That friend that's only my friend in private b/c of his girlfriend, has been validating her reason to hate me: the things he says, the way he flirts w/ me. I remember that kind of flirting. It's the kind Mon Ami and I did for 5 years until it errupted. Except w/ THIS kid, it's one-sided; I dont reciprocate this flirtation.
Two days ago he made it clear he had feelings for me. He mentioned the word "love" but I think it was meant as a friend. He said he was sorry for not making our friendship public. It really didn't matter to me either way, except for the fact that it was just one more person that I was a "dirty little secret" to.
I dont have feelings for him. And I think its unfair to his girlfriend, who is obviously so in love with him and insecure that she has to have a jealous rage if he even TALKS to another girl, that he is still w/ her, showing his affection to her face, but displaying his doubts in her absence. I told him that (in other words).
He could have been a great friend.
~Another Friend Front.... I talked w/ Don that day too! Played a few mind games w/ him concerning the night we slept together. Seneca was online too, so we got to have a little fun. The funny part is: it didn't even phase him. He's one of those ppl who woud only be friends w/ me when I looked the way I did last semester. Now that I resemble something somewhat of a monstrocity, his "friendship" and other relations w/ me falter. Superficial. Hmph. But what I wouldn't give to still belong to that world. Just to know I was beautiful enough to be accepted.