I've just discovered something HORRID... I'M A GIRL!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*~*~* Its been while since an update. I haven't even read my friends' pages. Gah, I'm so useless! So much has happened I don’t even know where to start. I have an entry I wrote by hand that I will be posting later tonight. But let’s begin here anyway…
I spent about 2 weeks at Katie’s. It was good. Made me realize I can’t live off-camp[us if I’m going to have a successful scholastic career. Also made me ruin my current scholastic career…
*~*~*I’ve skipped more classes this semester than I ever have my entire high school career. I don’t read, I don’t do homework, I don’t study. I sleep. I play SIMS. I go out. I drink. I smoke. I party. I eat. Boy do I eat. Motherfucker, I’m twice as large as I was when the year began. That’s horrible, sicne I was already gargantuan to begin with. How I ever let my ana go I’ll never understand.
*~*~*Despite this I’ve been marking a lot of notches on my bedpost (except they’re never really MY bedpost b/c we can’t have boys in the dorms lol). And I’m seeing someone. Or at least I think I am - that’s what they tell me, anyway…. His name is Greg Maguire and I actually like this boy. (Morgan, you may vomit now.) He’s so goofy and obsessed with his baby (aka car) and he makes me laugh and brings out the kid in me. He treats me well and he’s amazing in bed. Not gonna lie, he’s probably the best. (Morgan, it’s getting full, can ya hold back a lil bit?!)
The one I previously considered to be the best I could never fully let myself go with because I was always thinking about someone else I loved a lot and was hurting while I pursued what my body, mind, and soul craved and yearned for. With Greg I am freely able and willing to do this. And it feels amazing.
At first I didn’t like this kid. I hooked up with him once and regretted it. And then again and regretted it again. But I wasn’t going to deny attention, and the fact that he was “crazy about” me (as Katie put it then) didn’t hurt ME any. I got was I wanted in a time I was pained and didn’t bother to refute it. It wasn’t my oxygen like last time was, but it was my shroud. It was the canvas platform covering the yawning gap.
Then he hospital… oh the hospital… Katie was sick with pherengel cecullitis (yeah I can’t spell that) and I stayed with her the second time she was admitted. We called Greg b/c he had called me the morning she was taken in the first time and said we should go take flowers to her. She got out before we did, but with her re-admittance, Katie and I called him to get a rain check. He came over and we were hanging out. At one point I went to smoke a cigarette one of the orderlies had given me when I talked of my desperation for nicotine. We were sitting in Greg’s car listening to music and he did one of those *deep breath, prep to say something* things. He chickened out, but told me he was gonna ask me to kiss me. (Which really isn’t chickening out, it’s a more sly way to go about it. I wrote the book, honey…) I just laughed and brushed it off. When we were going back upstairs I said “next time ur in the situation, don’t ask, just kiss the girl!” He said he didn’t wanna get pushed off and I said I would have been nice about it.
That wasn’t an invitation to kiss me. Actually at that point in time, I WOULD have gently refused.
Katie was half asleep so we went on the bed next to hers to watch Virgin Suicides. Knowing that if I were a horny boy (which some will tell u I am) I would have taken the opportunity of being in a bed with a girl watching a movie to mack it (as has happened to me before during Donnie Darko, South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut, and Scent of a Woman ….. in that order), I made sure to sit up and not lay down. Then I, for some reason, got into a really needy mood and was like, fuck it, and lay down. I was curious as to how he was going to go about anything. He was good for a good portion on the movie. I kind of just used his arm as a pillow. Then I moved the laptop from my stomach to the table next to me and turned over, at which point I was in a really cuddly mood. I dunno, I get like this sometimes.
He was really slick about it and when I say slick I mean slick. I didn’t even notice it, but next thing I go he went for the deadly spot - the jugular (literally). I was gone.
I “gave in” again. But this time it was different. It wasn’t me succumbing or being like “alright, why not, this will be fine, I’m horny and needy and he gives me attn.” It was me. I had that slight “ya know what? I DO want this tonight.”
So I hooked up on a hospital bed next to my friend whose throat was closing up. After a while I suggested we go to the car and continue. At THAT point I was sure I was the one who wanted this to happen.
Afterwards we went to Wal-mart where I proceeded to have one of the best times.
It was the first time we’d hung out sober. We were acting like little kids. We ran around and I put all sorts of crazy hats and accessories on him. When we got back to the hospital and were going back up we held hands. When we were waiting at the elevator he asked me something about something I liked or something. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember I responded with “I really like kissing you.” And that’s when I knew it was me.
From that night I regretted regretting the first two times. (I guess you could say I stopped regretting the first two times. Yeah that sounds better haha.)
We’ve hung out nearly everyday since (with the exception of three, yesterday and today being two). I’ve been doing some heavy-duty questioning whether or not it’s really him I like or what he does for me. If Joe Bloe off the street were to treat me the same way, do the same things, say the same words would I feel the same, or are these indigenous to Greg Maguire? Now I know. And it feels awesome.
Monday night when Ann, Christa, and I were writing our Crim papers, I got a call from Brian Terinoni 5 minutes after getting off the phone with Greg. I told him at 12 if he hadn’t found ne1 else to help him out w/ his “problem” I would be there for him. After hanging up, I debated the cause w/ Christa and Ann. Conclusion: I wanted to do it so that I could find out whether I really cared for Greg or not. If I felt guilty afterwards, I would know I did, if not, if I just felt shitty for doing it b/c I knew it would hurt him, then no. I ended up NOT hooking up w/ Brian that night b/c he had either gone to sleep, gone to smoke, or found another chick. Either way, Ann was right: I didn’t need to do that to figure it out.
I’ve spent the night with him on Katie’s couch, in her bed (get out of the gutter ppl), in his car when he couldn’t get back home, I’ve run errands with him, I’ve met his parents, we hung out at his house on Tuesday, I’ve met his best friends, I’ve made drug deals when he’s around (and he’s becoming a really great influence on my stopping…btw…I never got the drugs that night.), we’ve been together at the fort (once when the sprinklers came on in the middle of the “I don’t want u to do nething u’ll regret” convo… lol PRICELESS!), in the Lion’s Lair (with the work-grant student in there…who CAUGHT US! LMAO!), in the marsh, at the hospital, at the hospital parking lot, in the school parking lot, at Harry’s… and I’ve loved every minute of it. I had the best time with him at All-Star’s last Thursday. I really think the little package in his glovebox is going to get put to good use one of these days… We’ll see.
(This was gonna be about more tha just this I SWEAR!!!!! My next entry will def be about my failing out....)
I spent about 2 weeks at Katie’s. It was good. Made me realize I can’t live off-camp[us if I’m going to have a successful scholastic career. Also made me ruin my current scholastic career…
*~*~*I’ve skipped more classes this semester than I ever have my entire high school career. I don’t read, I don’t do homework, I don’t study. I sleep. I play SIMS. I go out. I drink. I smoke. I party. I eat. Boy do I eat. Motherfucker, I’m twice as large as I was when the year began. That’s horrible, sicne I was already gargantuan to begin with. How I ever let my ana go I’ll never understand.
*~*~*Despite this I’ve been marking a lot of notches on my bedpost (except they’re never really MY bedpost b/c we can’t have boys in the dorms lol). And I’m seeing someone. Or at least I think I am - that’s what they tell me, anyway…. His name is Greg Maguire and I actually like this boy. (Morgan, you may vomit now.) He’s so goofy and obsessed with his baby (aka car) and he makes me laugh and brings out the kid in me. He treats me well and he’s amazing in bed. Not gonna lie, he’s probably the best. (Morgan, it’s getting full, can ya hold back a lil bit?!)
The one I previously considered to be the best I could never fully let myself go with because I was always thinking about someone else I loved a lot and was hurting while I pursued what my body, mind, and soul craved and yearned for. With Greg I am freely able and willing to do this. And it feels amazing.
At first I didn’t like this kid. I hooked up with him once and regretted it. And then again and regretted it again. But I wasn’t going to deny attention, and the fact that he was “crazy about” me (as Katie put it then) didn’t hurt ME any. I got was I wanted in a time I was pained and didn’t bother to refute it. It wasn’t my oxygen like last time was, but it was my shroud. It was the canvas platform covering the yawning gap.
Then he hospital… oh the hospital… Katie was sick with pherengel cecullitis (yeah I can’t spell that) and I stayed with her the second time she was admitted. We called Greg b/c he had called me the morning she was taken in the first time and said we should go take flowers to her. She got out before we did, but with her re-admittance, Katie and I called him to get a rain check. He came over and we were hanging out. At one point I went to smoke a cigarette one of the orderlies had given me when I talked of my desperation for nicotine. We were sitting in Greg’s car listening to music and he did one of those *deep breath, prep to say something* things. He chickened out, but told me he was gonna ask me to kiss me. (Which really isn’t chickening out, it’s a more sly way to go about it. I wrote the book, honey…) I just laughed and brushed it off. When we were going back upstairs I said “next time ur in the situation, don’t ask, just kiss the girl!” He said he didn’t wanna get pushed off and I said I would have been nice about it.
That wasn’t an invitation to kiss me. Actually at that point in time, I WOULD have gently refused.
Katie was half asleep so we went on the bed next to hers to watch Virgin Suicides. Knowing that if I were a horny boy (which some will tell u I am) I would have taken the opportunity of being in a bed with a girl watching a movie to mack it (as has happened to me before during Donnie Darko, South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut, and Scent of a Woman ….. in that order), I made sure to sit up and not lay down. Then I, for some reason, got into a really needy mood and was like, fuck it, and lay down. I was curious as to how he was going to go about anything. He was good for a good portion on the movie. I kind of just used his arm as a pillow. Then I moved the laptop from my stomach to the table next to me and turned over, at which point I was in a really cuddly mood. I dunno, I get like this sometimes.
He was really slick about it and when I say slick I mean slick. I didn’t even notice it, but next thing I go he went for the deadly spot - the jugular (literally). I was gone.
I “gave in” again. But this time it was different. It wasn’t me succumbing or being like “alright, why not, this will be fine, I’m horny and needy and he gives me attn.” It was me. I had that slight “ya know what? I DO want this tonight.”
So I hooked up on a hospital bed next to my friend whose throat was closing up. After a while I suggested we go to the car and continue. At THAT point I was sure I was the one who wanted this to happen.
Afterwards we went to Wal-mart where I proceeded to have one of the best times.
It was the first time we’d hung out sober. We were acting like little kids. We ran around and I put all sorts of crazy hats and accessories on him. When we got back to the hospital and were going back up we held hands. When we were waiting at the elevator he asked me something about something I liked or something. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember I responded with “I really like kissing you.” And that’s when I knew it was me.
From that night I regretted regretting the first two times. (I guess you could say I stopped regretting the first two times. Yeah that sounds better haha.)
We’ve hung out nearly everyday since (with the exception of three, yesterday and today being two). I’ve been doing some heavy-duty questioning whether or not it’s really him I like or what he does for me. If Joe Bloe off the street were to treat me the same way, do the same things, say the same words would I feel the same, or are these indigenous to Greg Maguire? Now I know. And it feels awesome.
Monday night when Ann, Christa, and I were writing our Crim papers, I got a call from Brian Terinoni 5 minutes after getting off the phone with Greg. I told him at 12 if he hadn’t found ne1 else to help him out w/ his “problem” I would be there for him. After hanging up, I debated the cause w/ Christa and Ann. Conclusion: I wanted to do it so that I could find out whether I really cared for Greg or not. If I felt guilty afterwards, I would know I did, if not, if I just felt shitty for doing it b/c I knew it would hurt him, then no. I ended up NOT hooking up w/ Brian that night b/c he had either gone to sleep, gone to smoke, or found another chick. Either way, Ann was right: I didn’t need to do that to figure it out.
I’ve spent the night with him on Katie’s couch, in her bed (get out of the gutter ppl), in his car when he couldn’t get back home, I’ve run errands with him, I’ve met his parents, we hung out at his house on Tuesday, I’ve met his best friends, I’ve made drug deals when he’s around (and he’s becoming a really great influence on my stopping…btw…I never got the drugs that night.), we’ve been together at the fort (once when the sprinklers came on in the middle of the “I don’t want u to do nething u’ll regret” convo… lol PRICELESS!), in the Lion’s Lair (with the work-grant student in there…who CAUGHT US! LMAO!), in the marsh, at the hospital, at the hospital parking lot, in the school parking lot, at Harry’s… and I’ve loved every minute of it. I had the best time with him at All-Star’s last Thursday. I really think the little package in his glovebox is going to get put to good use one of these days… We’ll see.
(This was gonna be about more tha just this I SWEAR!!!!! My next entry will def be about my failing out....)