NO TRUCK CAN BREAK THIIS COQUINA-SHELL WALL /AND/ KARMA, IF YOU EXIST, YOU’RE A FUCKING BITCH!
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH (iAND ENTRY IN GENERAL) IS NOT TO BE TAKEN IN A TONE OF ANGER, BUT RATHER IN A TONE OF SADNESS AND EMPATHY. I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY CONFUSION THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED.
Aye, the hypocracy. Ok, pray before a meal and go to confession once a week, but manipulate people, lie to people, hurt people, and just be an overall menace. Freak the fuck out if ur cross gets caught on my shirt while continuing on when I plead stop. Tell my friend you love her and want to marry her when ur drunk***, but then tell me you wanna be with me and use me to get her mad to get away from her. Do you even realize what you’re doing? Can you even stop? Do you even want to? *sad sigh*
Goddamn it, I wanna get through! I remember what it is like to continue doing something that satisfies you but hurts others in the process. And at the same time you want to stop hurting others, you don’t wanna stop doing what you’re doing because it is the only thing you have to hold onto. *sarcasm* How many times have I done that in the past few months? *rolls eyes, more so in shame*
I see a scared little boy behind unglazed eyes. But can I get through? No. Not while I am still seen as a conquest, as an object and not a person. (I don’t think he sees me completely as an object. But respect? I think that’s a minuscule concept if fructified at all.) I want to earn a friendship. I want to earn the trust. I want to help! Gah, I don’t know WHY!
It is times like this where I split into two - the one who yearns to nurture and the one who yearns to BE nurtured. The moral one and the selfish one. This is right around the time when my cold-theory manuscript is supposed to work... But had you talked to me 5 minutes ago (not even joking)…? I woulda uttered a completely different story of surrender.
I hope I make the right choice. Wait, DO I? Of COURSE I do!
Id does. Ego doesn’t. She is so hurt and so forsaken and desolate that she wants relief at any cost - any cost at all.
Id has common sense. She’s thinking about the future - AFTER that instant gratification. The bereavement of SO many people. The chance of abandon in a state even more open and vulnerable than before. The loss of myself in SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more ways than one--so many more ways that Superego is even AWARE of. And coincidentally, where IS Superego anyway, you ask? She’s tied to a chair, gagged and bound in an abyss of emptiness and nothingness.
Making a pro/con list doesn’t work when you’re not even sure who is going to be holding your hand when you make it.
Goddamn biology. Goddamn psychology. Goddamn the fact that I understand everything that’s going on inside me to the very last aspect of the phenomena...but no one else does. No one else understands. And no one else accepts it. I am persecuted. Whatever the reason, I know I must deserve it. Suck it up and take it, bitch. Its your turn to hurt.
***Do people REALLY tell the truth when they’re drunk? I am guilty of using the excuse that I am drunk, even when I really AM as drunk as I act in order to do so and have VERY inhibited decision-making skills, to fortify a lie into concrete to get what I want. Because I am the epitome of manipulation. I published the guidebook along with workbook for manipulation. God, I hope she was right, tho; for her sake.
Aye, the hypocracy. Ok, pray before a meal and go to confession once a week, but manipulate people, lie to people, hurt people, and just be an overall menace. Freak the fuck out if ur cross gets caught on my shirt while continuing on when I plead stop. Tell my friend you love her and want to marry her when ur drunk***, but then tell me you wanna be with me and use me to get her mad to get away from her. Do you even realize what you’re doing? Can you even stop? Do you even want to? *sad sigh*
Goddamn it, I wanna get through! I remember what it is like to continue doing something that satisfies you but hurts others in the process. And at the same time you want to stop hurting others, you don’t wanna stop doing what you’re doing because it is the only thing you have to hold onto. *sarcasm* How many times have I done that in the past few months? *rolls eyes, more so in shame*
I see a scared little boy behind unglazed eyes. But can I get through? No. Not while I am still seen as a conquest, as an object and not a person. (I don’t think he sees me completely as an object. But respect? I think that’s a minuscule concept if fructified at all.) I want to earn a friendship. I want to earn the trust. I want to help! Gah, I don’t know WHY!
It is times like this where I split into two - the one who yearns to nurture and the one who yearns to BE nurtured. The moral one and the selfish one. This is right around the time when my cold-theory manuscript is supposed to work... But had you talked to me 5 minutes ago (not even joking)…? I woulda uttered a completely different story of surrender.
I hope I make the right choice. Wait, DO I? Of COURSE I do!
Id does. Ego doesn’t. She is so hurt and so forsaken and desolate that she wants relief at any cost - any cost at all.
Id has common sense. She’s thinking about the future - AFTER that instant gratification. The bereavement of SO many people. The chance of abandon in a state even more open and vulnerable than before. The loss of myself in SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more ways than one--so many more ways that Superego is even AWARE of. And coincidentally, where IS Superego anyway, you ask? She’s tied to a chair, gagged and bound in an abyss of emptiness and nothingness.
Making a pro/con list doesn’t work when you’re not even sure who is going to be holding your hand when you make it.
Goddamn biology. Goddamn psychology. Goddamn the fact that I understand everything that’s going on inside me to the very last aspect of the phenomena...but no one else does. No one else understands. And no one else accepts it. I am persecuted. Whatever the reason, I know I must deserve it. Suck it up and take it, bitch. Its your turn to hurt.
***Do people REALLY tell the truth when they’re drunk? I am guilty of using the excuse that I am drunk, even when I really AM as drunk as I act in order to do so and have VERY inhibited decision-making skills, to fortify a lie into concrete to get what I want. Because I am the epitome of manipulation. I published the guidebook along with workbook for manipulation. God, I hope she was right, tho; for her sake.