Math
One lonely, distraught, and depressed friend + another lonely, distraught, and depressed friend + darkness = trouble.
Do I regret it? No. Do I feel guilty? In a way.
I know it wouldn't bother her. Hell, this morning she told me "have him."
That's not how it is, though. I don't want to "have him." It was nice to cry on his shoulder and have him need me to cry on mine. And it was nice debating the evils of the world and how money is the root of all evil and how the most brilliant ppl state the obvious. He makes me laugh and that makes me happy. But there's nothing more than platonic there. THIS I am sure of.
I don't think it would have meant as much if we weren't both so desperately lonely and vulnerable. I don't think it would have happened. It wasn't like it was w/ Brian (who btw is FIRED! ;)), it wasn't a "hey I'm horny, come pick me up," kinda deal. It was more than that. More yet less.
It's hard to explain. It was a time of need. it was like... it was the connection we both needed with another human being. To be held, to be touched, to be kissed. And it didn't matter that it was me and it didn't matter that it was him. We are friends and we were empty. And we were there.
While at the same time I suppose this is as close as I've come to being with someone I care about, I don't care about him in any more than a platonic way. I think the reason there was such a connection is b/c we both knew we were hurting in the exact same way and we both knew what one another was going through, what the other needed, what the other wanted.
It was almost like the spiritual exhiliration you get from helping someone. Like giving up your coat to a homeless person who is freezing. Or giving your lunch to that hungry-looking puppy that wanders the street. Like taking a friend out and cheering them up when they're upset. That's why it felt so good. That's why I was touched emotionally. That's why it was fullfilling.
It made me feel like I was worth something. It was more than "hey lets use one-another." It was like "I know this hurts. Please let me try and make it feel better." It was kind and gentle and compassionate. It was like counting on a friend when you really need one.
The physical manifestation of it doesn't matter. Not to me. I would have felt just as great if we had needed to punch things to get out our frustration and we drove 10 miles to a boxing ring or something. It was the aid, the nurture, the healing, if you will.
I can go on about how touched I was/am and emphasize the fact that nothing NOTHING NOTHING but platonic sentiments are all the have been and remain.
LoL I feel like I should get a thank you card like I did when Alex Boyle picked me up from Mihir's after leaving w/ Chealsea. Like when Faith, Kera, Kristen, and Matt helped me during that trip.
God, I dunno... The words escape me.
Do I regret it? No. Do I feel guilty? In a way.
I know it wouldn't bother her. Hell, this morning she told me "have him."
That's not how it is, though. I don't want to "have him." It was nice to cry on his shoulder and have him need me to cry on mine. And it was nice debating the evils of the world and how money is the root of all evil and how the most brilliant ppl state the obvious. He makes me laugh and that makes me happy. But there's nothing more than platonic there. THIS I am sure of.
I don't think it would have meant as much if we weren't both so desperately lonely and vulnerable. I don't think it would have happened. It wasn't like it was w/ Brian (who btw is FIRED! ;)), it wasn't a "hey I'm horny, come pick me up," kinda deal. It was more than that. More yet less.
It's hard to explain. It was a time of need. it was like... it was the connection we both needed with another human being. To be held, to be touched, to be kissed. And it didn't matter that it was me and it didn't matter that it was him. We are friends and we were empty. And we were there.
While at the same time I suppose this is as close as I've come to being with someone I care about, I don't care about him in any more than a platonic way. I think the reason there was such a connection is b/c we both knew we were hurting in the exact same way and we both knew what one another was going through, what the other needed, what the other wanted.
It was almost like the spiritual exhiliration you get from helping someone. Like giving up your coat to a homeless person who is freezing. Or giving your lunch to that hungry-looking puppy that wanders the street. Like taking a friend out and cheering them up when they're upset. That's why it felt so good. That's why I was touched emotionally. That's why it was fullfilling.
It made me feel like I was worth something. It was more than "hey lets use one-another." It was like "I know this hurts. Please let me try and make it feel better." It was kind and gentle and compassionate. It was like counting on a friend when you really need one.
The physical manifestation of it doesn't matter. Not to me. I would have felt just as great if we had needed to punch things to get out our frustration and we drove 10 miles to a boxing ring or something. It was the aid, the nurture, the healing, if you will.
I can go on about how touched I was/am and emphasize the fact that nothing NOTHING NOTHING but platonic sentiments are all the have been and remain.
LoL I feel like I should get a thank you card like I did when Alex Boyle picked me up from Mihir's after leaving w/ Chealsea. Like when Faith, Kera, Kristen, and Matt helped me during that trip.
God, I dunno... The words escape me.