Thanx to the Woman Who Submitted This to Me
I came accross a document that I found very useful for my senior thesis. It's a first-hand accound from a self-proclaimed subject.
"In and out of the optimal state of mind
I could envision myself looking like an absolute ass, yet I could not deter it.
Fighting to keep the sane part in and block the other out
I’ve never felt more in control of my decisions. I could CHOOSE to decide to do this, or not. There was no such thing as compulsion. There was no such thing as “I had no control.”
I’m living my dreams
Everything brings back a memory of somehow somewhere either in my dreams or early life
Urge to die still very prominent. Some will say VEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY!
Sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry
I guess my true feelings came out and I wanted to die and avenge Jessica
My conscious and subconscious merged
I could do anything
I could have anything
The world was mine
I felt like I COULD jump and id just sink into the ground
Painless
Easy
Done
Everything was like a cartoon
I could squeeze myself and climb through the arms that restrained me
Flying
Squirming
Liquid
When I closed my eyes I saw colors…. rainbows just spinning around and around
Everything made sense and yet nothing did
Everything is my head made sense
Still had the common decency to want my friends safe and not having to deal with me in my state
Sounds manifested.
As they talked the sounds reverberated and rainbows filtered through
Sorry I cause everything
Goddamn I suck at life
So many different consciousnesses all together
it was awesome
Everything melting together
I wish I could further describe it I can’t even think!!
It was awesome! I just wish I hadn’t scared so many people
It really seemed like I COULD just do those things, because only lines were restricting me and I could get through anything.
Remember odd song about breaking thru…
Lots and lots of memories of childhood
It was like riding my dreams and past
No sense of time and where you are… well a sense of time perhaps, but everything is very gurbled
I may remember certain events that happened but I cannot remember what order they happened in… like that.
Poor matt I’m sorry
Really
Holy fuck this is who I really am
Why the fuck am I here?
I could manipulate everything if I wanted it it was there
I didn’t even know I had ice cream!!
I’m fucked even when fucked
Goddamn I want to make it all better….everything I did tonight
And always
IIIIIINCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cant wait to do it next time except this time it won’t be like this because ill know what to expect
APOLOGIZE 2 EEEEEEEEEVERYONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thanks Jenny Kollow.
"In and out of the optimal state of mind
I could envision myself looking like an absolute ass, yet I could not deter it.
Fighting to keep the sane part in and block the other out
I’ve never felt more in control of my decisions. I could CHOOSE to decide to do this, or not. There was no such thing as compulsion. There was no such thing as “I had no control.”
I’m living my dreams
Everything brings back a memory of somehow somewhere either in my dreams or early life
Urge to die still very prominent. Some will say VEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY!
Sorry
Sorry sorry sorry sorry
I guess my true feelings came out and I wanted to die and avenge Jessica
My conscious and subconscious merged
I could do anything
I could have anything
The world was mine
I felt like I COULD jump and id just sink into the ground
Painless
Easy
Done
Everything was like a cartoon
I could squeeze myself and climb through the arms that restrained me
Flying
Squirming
Liquid
When I closed my eyes I saw colors…. rainbows just spinning around and around
Everything made sense and yet nothing did
Everything is my head made sense
Still had the common decency to want my friends safe and not having to deal with me in my state
Sounds manifested.
As they talked the sounds reverberated and rainbows filtered through
Sorry I cause everything
Goddamn I suck at life
So many different consciousnesses all together
it was awesome
Everything melting together
I wish I could further describe it I can’t even think!!
It was awesome! I just wish I hadn’t scared so many people
It really seemed like I COULD just do those things, because only lines were restricting me and I could get through anything.
Remember odd song about breaking thru…
Lots and lots of memories of childhood
It was like riding my dreams and past
No sense of time and where you are… well a sense of time perhaps, but everything is very gurbled
I may remember certain events that happened but I cannot remember what order they happened in… like that.
Poor matt I’m sorry
Really
Holy fuck this is who I really am
Why the fuck am I here?
I could manipulate everything if I wanted it it was there
I didn’t even know I had ice cream!!
I’m fucked even when fucked
Goddamn I want to make it all better….everything I did tonight
And always
IIIIIINCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cant wait to do it next time except this time it won’t be like this because ill know what to expect
APOLOGIZE 2 EEEEEEEEEVERYONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thanks Jenny Kollow.