Heartless
I talked tp "Emily" today... apparently she's over the whole "Shane" ordeal (Amber, if ur reading this, u prolly think my choice of names r funny. They were just the 1st couple that came into my head!). And so am I. Yes, that's right.
When the chase is over and I'm nearly getting what I want I don't want it anymore. Aaron was right. Girls DONT know wtf they want. At least not THIS girl.
Jacob, Anthony (W), Nick, Mike (H), Sean, Michael, and now "Shane." That's my trail, my tally, my tick marks on the oak tree. Granted, I haven't broken Shane's heart b/c he didn't know I liked him.
I remember when I went home 4 Xmas and James and I hung out... he said I deserved to break some hearts. I agreed w/ him then b/c of the way I was treated in HS, the way my life was shaped... but... now... WHEN IS IT ENOUGH?!!!
Jessica and I were talking about it and she said some ppl are just like that. "But isn't that what you want though? I mean that's what you say... you just wanna hook up w/ them and then whatever, be friends the next day? " Truth be spoken. I HAVE been engaging in mutual usage lately. And I DO just want to drop these guys as soon as the night is over. And yes, my experience in 8th grade def has something to do w/ it. (DAMMIT WHY DOES IT FOLLOW ME LIKE THAT?!!! IT WAS FUCKING 6 YRS AGO!!!!!!!!!) Kind of like "It's MY turn to do it to YOU." But w/ Shane it's diff. I would never hook up w/ him. I would get into a relationship w/ him. Like w/ Andrew (who I'm convinced needs to Marry Leah now!)... I'd never date him, but I sure wouldn't mind tapping that ass again! ;)~ Ough, see I'm terrible! [quick funny side-note... Leah said Andrew was looking for a girlfriend... I DIED LAUGHING!]
Shane is a good guy, a type of guy I sit here and wish and hope for someday. And I felt it. And now it's gone. Just like every other time. Just like every other guy. And here I am left, open, hollow, bleeding, broken.
The last person I was actually able to retain feelings for for more than 3 days was James. But wasn't that a chase in its own? Wasn't there a constant struggle? Wasn't there always SOMETHING to overcome? Am I really just in it for the chase? Am I really incapable of retaining emotions? WHY CANT I BE NORMAL?!!!!!!
I felt so lonely last night my chest hurt. It gripped me, suffocated me, like I couldn't breathe. I'm so glad I went out after Jess came home, even tho I had been in bed and it was 12 already. Took my mind off of things. Ahhhh.....
I am a horrible person.
I am incapable of feelings.
I'm so lonely... so very lonely.
When the chase is over and I'm nearly getting what I want I don't want it anymore. Aaron was right. Girls DONT know wtf they want. At least not THIS girl.
Jacob, Anthony (W), Nick, Mike (H), Sean, Michael, and now "Shane." That's my trail, my tally, my tick marks on the oak tree. Granted, I haven't broken Shane's heart b/c he didn't know I liked him.
I remember when I went home 4 Xmas and James and I hung out... he said I deserved to break some hearts. I agreed w/ him then b/c of the way I was treated in HS, the way my life was shaped... but... now... WHEN IS IT ENOUGH?!!!
Jessica and I were talking about it and she said some ppl are just like that. "But isn't that what you want though? I mean that's what you say... you just wanna hook up w/ them and then whatever, be friends the next day? " Truth be spoken. I HAVE been engaging in mutual usage lately. And I DO just want to drop these guys as soon as the night is over. And yes, my experience in 8th grade def has something to do w/ it. (DAMMIT WHY DOES IT FOLLOW ME LIKE THAT?!!! IT WAS FUCKING 6 YRS AGO!!!!!!!!!) Kind of like "It's MY turn to do it to YOU." But w/ Shane it's diff. I would never hook up w/ him. I would get into a relationship w/ him. Like w/ Andrew (who I'm convinced needs to Marry Leah now!)... I'd never date him, but I sure wouldn't mind tapping that ass again! ;)~ Ough, see I'm terrible! [quick funny side-note... Leah said Andrew was looking for a girlfriend... I DIED LAUGHING!]
Shane is a good guy, a type of guy I sit here and wish and hope for someday. And I felt it. And now it's gone. Just like every other time. Just like every other guy. And here I am left, open, hollow, bleeding, broken.
The last person I was actually able to retain feelings for for more than 3 days was James. But wasn't that a chase in its own? Wasn't there a constant struggle? Wasn't there always SOMETHING to overcome? Am I really just in it for the chase? Am I really incapable of retaining emotions? WHY CANT I BE NORMAL?!!!!!!
I felt so lonely last night my chest hurt. It gripped me, suffocated me, like I couldn't breathe. I'm so glad I went out after Jess came home, even tho I had been in bed and it was 12 already. Took my mind off of things. Ahhhh.....
I am a horrible person.
I am incapable of feelings.
I'm so lonely... so very lonely.