Weigh Ins
Somedays, I am consumed by the need to be skinny. No, I'm not talking healthy, toned skinny. I want to be skin and bones. I know, I have a problem. Well, not to me, but I'm sure to the rest of you all. I'm only 5'1, but I'd like to weigh somewhere under 95 pounds. I'm sick of hiding my body all the time. I'm sick of being ashamed to be seen in public. I'm sick of being fat.
And before you even tell me "You're not fat!", I'm going to say straight up, I don't believe you. I can't see that. All I see are the large amounts of fat hanging off my body. There are days when I just want to grab a cleaver, and hack it all off. I always feel like people are judging me because of my weight. I'm sure everyone is thinking "Oh my god! Look at her, she's too fat to be wearing those clothes. She looks like a pig, doesn't she know?!" I can't stand it. I can't stand looking like I'm pregnant 24/7. I hate that everything I own is too tight. I just want to die. I'm not joking - I'd rather die, than be the 'fat girl'.
I start off every day telling myself that I'm not going to eat. But that never works. I like food too much, and I'm too much of a coward to purge it all out later. I wish I had will power. I need will power. I need more than will power, I need a miracle. I wish I could stick to my plans. I wish I had a scale. No one here knows how much it freaks me out that I can't weigh myself multiple times a day. I think thats how I kept myself in like two summers ago. I had access to a scale all day, and I'd step on it at least three or four times, just to make sure the numbers didn't change. I'm so scared to find out how much I weigh. I'm definitively at my high weight right now. I weigh more than most of the people in my family, and they don't let me forget that. I see so many pictures of my friends who are most likely size 0s or 2s. And I'm here pushing 8 or 10. And the sad thing is, I'm way short, so it shows even more. I don't think anyone really knows what goes on in my head.
My weight truly depresses me. I just watch myself get fatter and fatter. It's like watching a horror movie, except it never ends. And I just feel so helpless. I know I should exercise, but I don't want to build more muscle. I'll just look bulky and even fatter. I can't seem to build lean muscle if you paid me. My calves are already huge, and I don't do anything. They never thin out. I have really stocky legs. I just need to stop eating. Period. I keep trying to reason with myself that I need food so I can keep my brain functioning for school, but really, it's not helping. I never want to leave my room without being covered. I usually never wear shorts because I'm embarrassed. I'd rather sleep all day, because no one would have to see me. I should be studying right now, but I'm hungry. And its a huge struggle for me not to get up and get food. I've eaten too many calories already. Why am I such a fatass? I might as well die. It's not like I'm any use to the world, except a drain on all resources. Make this go away. I need to be skinny. I hate looking at pictures of me, or of my friends. Because I'm the fat one, and they are all skinny.
I know I have a problem. If you're just going to tell me that, don't bother. Ugh, I'm over it. I fail.
And before you even tell me "You're not fat!", I'm going to say straight up, I don't believe you. I can't see that. All I see are the large amounts of fat hanging off my body. There are days when I just want to grab a cleaver, and hack it all off. I always feel like people are judging me because of my weight. I'm sure everyone is thinking "Oh my god! Look at her, she's too fat to be wearing those clothes. She looks like a pig, doesn't she know?!" I can't stand it. I can't stand looking like I'm pregnant 24/7. I hate that everything I own is too tight. I just want to die. I'm not joking - I'd rather die, than be the 'fat girl'.
I start off every day telling myself that I'm not going to eat. But that never works. I like food too much, and I'm too much of a coward to purge it all out later. I wish I had will power. I need will power. I need more than will power, I need a miracle. I wish I could stick to my plans. I wish I had a scale. No one here knows how much it freaks me out that I can't weigh myself multiple times a day. I think thats how I kept myself in like two summers ago. I had access to a scale all day, and I'd step on it at least three or four times, just to make sure the numbers didn't change. I'm so scared to find out how much I weigh. I'm definitively at my high weight right now. I weigh more than most of the people in my family, and they don't let me forget that. I see so many pictures of my friends who are most likely size 0s or 2s. And I'm here pushing 8 or 10. And the sad thing is, I'm way short, so it shows even more. I don't think anyone really knows what goes on in my head.
My weight truly depresses me. I just watch myself get fatter and fatter. It's like watching a horror movie, except it never ends. And I just feel so helpless. I know I should exercise, but I don't want to build more muscle. I'll just look bulky and even fatter. I can't seem to build lean muscle if you paid me. My calves are already huge, and I don't do anything. They never thin out. I have really stocky legs. I just need to stop eating. Period. I keep trying to reason with myself that I need food so I can keep my brain functioning for school, but really, it's not helping. I never want to leave my room without being covered. I usually never wear shorts because I'm embarrassed. I'd rather sleep all day, because no one would have to see me. I should be studying right now, but I'm hungry. And its a huge struggle for me not to get up and get food. I've eaten too many calories already. Why am I such a fatass? I might as well die. It's not like I'm any use to the world, except a drain on all resources. Make this go away. I need to be skinny. I hate looking at pictures of me, or of my friends. Because I'm the fat one, and they are all skinny.
I know I have a problem. If you're just going to tell me that, don't bother. Ugh, I'm over it. I fail.