Given half the chance, would I take any of it back?
Subject line from Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine.
"When you hope for something in your life, if it doesn’t happen, you are disappointed or upset. If it does happen, then you become elated and excited. You are constantly riding a roller coaster up and down. Because he has never encountered any doubt about himself at all, therefore the warrior of outrageous has nothing to hope for and nothing to fear. So it is said that the warrior of outrageous is never caught in the ambush of hope, and therefore fearlessness is achieved." - Chogyam Trungpa, from Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior
The ambush of hope. Wishing, waiting, watching for What Comes Next. Those times when I'm waiting simply for The End of what I'm doing, that things will be Better when it's the Next Thing. And I know that's not the case. That it's important to be here, in this moment. At the same time, it's hard to balance that with looking forward, to see beyond just the Right Now moment. And I think it's perspective or intention.
As I shared about a month ago, I'm leaving my job by mid-August, to pursue other adventures more directly related to the career that I'm hoping to cultivate. There's a lot of fear and hope in that, because as of right now, I've not yet had any bites for any of the applications for paid positions I've put in. And I still have time (and a fallback plan), so I'm trying to not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am still volunteering with the domestic violence/sexual assault hotline, and I have just accepted a volunteer position as a first reader for a fiction magazine. So, those are both good things that are in areas I'm passionate about and will give me great experience.
It's that whole hope/fear struggle. I hope I find something. I fear I won't. I hope that I'm doing what I need to. I fear that I'm way off base. I keep finding ways to blame myself for these new choices we have to make, that somehow, it's all my fault. I recognize the voice that's there - the one that keeps telling me that having my own business, working from home, trying to find a place in this world where I feel passionate and joyful about what I'm offering up to the world... I keep hearing the voice and the tape that tells me that those are not within my reach. That everyone else out there, all of the magnificent wonderful bloggers and writers and innovators I read, have it all under control and that there is no room for my own voice, my own ideas, or what matters to me in the whole mix. There's fear that I'm a failure or fraud, that I didn't know or do any of this earlier in my life.
And here's where I take a big ole' breath.
Because I recognize that this is part of my process. This is part of the fear that comes with stepping out into unknown waters. This is the part where waiting is the challenge, and patience is the antidote, and where I try to start practicing what I've learned:
to breathe with what's really there (anxiety, fear, insecurity)
to lean into my practice (there is a ground of basic goodness that I stand on)
to trust myself (this is the path that I have chosen and feel is where I need to go)
to believe that I am enough (no one has the market on creativity, on one's voice, or that there is even a market to buy and sell this)
And it's hard. My god, it's hard and I am still working my 40 hour a week, regular paycheck coming in biweekly. I want to stop freaking out. I want to relax into this anxiety and get to know it - because, really? It's not about money. It's not about career. It's about feeling like I am somehow not enough and not deserving.
Isn't that the root of so much of the crap that goes on in our heads?
That somehow, we believe those things, and that somehow, if we try to step out of the lines that were drawn (by ourselves, family, friends, society, whomever) - that's bad, wrong, immoral... the list could (and does) go on. That we are fearful of those labels and identities that are from other places and sources?
I have to keep reminding myself - fearlessness is not about lack of fear. It's about recognizing it and not walking away or hiding from it. It's standing in the midst of fear, knees trembling, and keeping my seat.
This is my practice.
This entry was originally posted at http://dancingwaves.dreamwidth.org/889862.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
"When you hope for something in your life, if it doesn’t happen, you are disappointed or upset. If it does happen, then you become elated and excited. You are constantly riding a roller coaster up and down. Because he has never encountered any doubt about himself at all, therefore the warrior of outrageous has nothing to hope for and nothing to fear. So it is said that the warrior of outrageous is never caught in the ambush of hope, and therefore fearlessness is achieved." - Chogyam Trungpa, from Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior
The ambush of hope. Wishing, waiting, watching for What Comes Next. Those times when I'm waiting simply for The End of what I'm doing, that things will be Better when it's the Next Thing. And I know that's not the case. That it's important to be here, in this moment. At the same time, it's hard to balance that with looking forward, to see beyond just the Right Now moment. And I think it's perspective or intention.
As I shared about a month ago, I'm leaving my job by mid-August, to pursue other adventures more directly related to the career that I'm hoping to cultivate. There's a lot of fear and hope in that, because as of right now, I've not yet had any bites for any of the applications for paid positions I've put in. And I still have time (and a fallback plan), so I'm trying to not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am still volunteering with the domestic violence/sexual assault hotline, and I have just accepted a volunteer position as a first reader for a fiction magazine. So, those are both good things that are in areas I'm passionate about and will give me great experience.
It's that whole hope/fear struggle. I hope I find something. I fear I won't. I hope that I'm doing what I need to. I fear that I'm way off base. I keep finding ways to blame myself for these new choices we have to make, that somehow, it's all my fault. I recognize the voice that's there - the one that keeps telling me that having my own business, working from home, trying to find a place in this world where I feel passionate and joyful about what I'm offering up to the world... I keep hearing the voice and the tape that tells me that those are not within my reach. That everyone else out there, all of the magnificent wonderful bloggers and writers and innovators I read, have it all under control and that there is no room for my own voice, my own ideas, or what matters to me in the whole mix. There's fear that I'm a failure or fraud, that I didn't know or do any of this earlier in my life.
And here's where I take a big ole' breath.
Because I recognize that this is part of my process. This is part of the fear that comes with stepping out into unknown waters. This is the part where waiting is the challenge, and patience is the antidote, and where I try to start practicing what I've learned:
to breathe with what's really there (anxiety, fear, insecurity)
to lean into my practice (there is a ground of basic goodness that I stand on)
to trust myself (this is the path that I have chosen and feel is where I need to go)
to believe that I am enough (no one has the market on creativity, on one's voice, or that there is even a market to buy and sell this)
And it's hard. My god, it's hard and I am still working my 40 hour a week, regular paycheck coming in biweekly. I want to stop freaking out. I want to relax into this anxiety and get to know it - because, really? It's not about money. It's not about career. It's about feeling like I am somehow not enough and not deserving.
Isn't that the root of so much of the crap that goes on in our heads?
That somehow, we believe those things, and that somehow, if we try to step out of the lines that were drawn (by ourselves, family, friends, society, whomever) - that's bad, wrong, immoral... the list could (and does) go on. That we are fearful of those labels and identities that are from other places and sources?
I have to keep reminding myself - fearlessness is not about lack of fear. It's about recognizing it and not walking away or hiding from it. It's standing in the midst of fear, knees trembling, and keeping my seat.
This is my practice.
This entry was originally posted at http://dancingwaves.dreamwidth.org/889862.html. Please comment there using OpenID.