It's all tied up in knots
I've been thinking about friendship recently. Thinking about how I miss having people I regularly get together with, to share stories, and thoughts, and get philosophical with. To talk about writing, and books, and yoga, and meditation. That I miss the weekly tea and coffee dates with people, that I love my life, and I love where I am, and I also miss that community.
And it comes back to that, again and again and again. Over and over. That it's community I crave, community I'm terrified of, community that I want to connect with. And I've been better about posting, reading, commenting, and responding here. (There are a number of comments in my inbox I just haven't been able to get to in the last few days... responses are coming!)
And I talked with a long time friend of mine last night, someone I haven't talked to in a couple of years, and it was wonderful. Uplifting. Laughter. Philosophy. More laughter. Moments of "this is life" in it's real anxious beautiful way. And I had dinner with another long time friend last week. And that, too, with laughter, and conversation, and sharing. And it's these moments that keep reminding me that this is life. This is what I've got, and I'm blessed.
And I'm lazy. I'm lazy when it comes to keeping up. I know that I've talked about this before. That in the realm of Facebook, and Twitter, I meet and keep in (brief) contact with people I know, but I grow lazy and just click "like", or forget that I can go deeper with people, if I choose to. That I don't always choose to, unless it's specific parameters. And I guess that's okay, but it's becoming stifling, sometimes.
I think about sangha, and my Shambhala studies, and one of the things that was easy to sweep under the carpet with the decision to stop at Drala was the fact that it's now easier to lose that sangha, that group of practioners. That I feel disconnected and lost, and I know this is part of my journey. This is part of what is going on, and how this all plays out, because this is what there is.
And there are all sorts of other things tangled up in this, long threads from childhood and from elementary school and from the way my little old brain functions. I'm still working with the thread, seeing what it gives me if I'm playful, and curious, and full of wonder. Sometimes, it's hard to decide to keep working with it, instead of just chopping it off at the knot and trying to start all over again. Because that's just destructive.
I gotta work with it. It's just sometimes so hard.
This entry was originally posted at http://dancingwaves.dreamwidth.org/28956.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
And it comes back to that, again and again and again. Over and over. That it's community I crave, community I'm terrified of, community that I want to connect with. And I've been better about posting, reading, commenting, and responding here. (There are a number of comments in my inbox I just haven't been able to get to in the last few days... responses are coming!)
And I talked with a long time friend of mine last night, someone I haven't talked to in a couple of years, and it was wonderful. Uplifting. Laughter. Philosophy. More laughter. Moments of "this is life" in it's real anxious beautiful way. And I had dinner with another long time friend last week. And that, too, with laughter, and conversation, and sharing. And it's these moments that keep reminding me that this is life. This is what I've got, and I'm blessed.
And I'm lazy. I'm lazy when it comes to keeping up. I know that I've talked about this before. That in the realm of Facebook, and Twitter, I meet and keep in (brief) contact with people I know, but I grow lazy and just click "like", or forget that I can go deeper with people, if I choose to. That I don't always choose to, unless it's specific parameters. And I guess that's okay, but it's becoming stifling, sometimes.
I think about sangha, and my Shambhala studies, and one of the things that was easy to sweep under the carpet with the decision to stop at Drala was the fact that it's now easier to lose that sangha, that group of practioners. That I feel disconnected and lost, and I know this is part of my journey. This is part of what is going on, and how this all plays out, because this is what there is.
And there are all sorts of other things tangled up in this, long threads from childhood and from elementary school and from the way my little old brain functions. I'm still working with the thread, seeing what it gives me if I'm playful, and curious, and full of wonder. Sometimes, it's hard to decide to keep working with it, instead of just chopping it off at the knot and trying to start all over again. Because that's just destructive.
I gotta work with it. It's just sometimes so hard.
This entry was originally posted at http://dancingwaves.dreamwidth.org/28956.html. Please comment there using OpenID.