(no subject)
random and i will elaborate better later but just so i can get the sentiment out....talking to amber's mom today about what i'm going to do later in life, and i what i want to do and my attitude about it made me realize...i do feel that way. i can do that. or at the least i can try, even if it's only in the aimless attiude and direction that i have. i know that makes no real sense but it does to me. i guess it's more that getting the reaffirmation of that i'm not crazy, and that's a legitimate approach was what i needed. not that i haven't heard it before. i've heard it a million times. but i guess this time, with exactly where i'm at right now i realized that i meant it. that i wasn't just bullshitting an answer 'cuz i was being asked i really do want to do that stuff.
i've also realized through a couple of conversations today that i simply need to be done. i know that i know this. and i know it goes against my feelings. but that doesn't mean, just because i feel that way, that it's whats best for me. and it could maybe fly if the other party, all else aside, was trying to look out for me and my wellbeing, despite all the other problems. but that core desire for my well being isn't there. or if it is, it hasn't manifested itself in any way that has been made apparent to me...and maybe it's me. but any way you cut it, the moments don't make the months ok. maybe it should, maybe it should be able to sustain me. but if there's anything that these past two months have proven, it's that it can't. and i can't deal with that, though, again, perhaps i should find a way to. maybe it is worth it. but if i can't change my reaction/response to it soon, as i've proved i can't, then i need to change it. it is going to hurt like hell. and i will be a mess and so incredibally sad that i don't know hwo i'm going to deal but i will; i'll live. because i've realized i need to make the change. and i'll make it to tomorrow. because i have to.
i've also realized through a couple of conversations today that i simply need to be done. i know that i know this. and i know it goes against my feelings. but that doesn't mean, just because i feel that way, that it's whats best for me. and it could maybe fly if the other party, all else aside, was trying to look out for me and my wellbeing, despite all the other problems. but that core desire for my well being isn't there. or if it is, it hasn't manifested itself in any way that has been made apparent to me...and maybe it's me. but any way you cut it, the moments don't make the months ok. maybe it should, maybe it should be able to sustain me. but if there's anything that these past two months have proven, it's that it can't. and i can't deal with that, though, again, perhaps i should find a way to. maybe it is worth it. but if i can't change my reaction/response to it soon, as i've proved i can't, then i need to change it. it is going to hurt like hell. and i will be a mess and so incredibally sad that i don't know hwo i'm going to deal but i will; i'll live. because i've realized i need to make the change. and i'll make it to tomorrow. because i have to.