Under The Bridge
So... it's been a while.
I decided to post this becuase it's the end of an era. I got a livejournal the start of freshman year [not necessarily this one] and now its the end of senior year. I decided to post this becuase change is rampant in my life. I decided to post this becuase I'm stuck at work for 9 hours and I have nothing better to do.
Don't get me wrong- I'm not going to delete my livejournal. The truth is, with the success of myspace, my livejournal has just sort of faded into the dust. Sure, I'll write something, but to what cause? No feedback, no nothing. I guess I've made the transition to the myspace cult. What can I say? I'm 18. Myspace is addictive and feeds your ego in a ridiculously easy fashion. Besides, most of what I write has become more private, personal. & shouldn't be available for anyone to read. & I know who reads this.
My life since LaLumiere has been radically different then the life I had before. It's hard to pinpoint everything that is exactly different. I could name a lot of things [i.e. I have a nephew now, & a tattoo, something I never dreamnt of freshman year.] but it's something else from that, something huge. Something transitional.
It has a lot to do with Chris. I know people get sick of hearing about Chris but I really don't give a fuck. We've been together for three years so, yeah, kind of a HUGE part of my life, sorry. I met him the summer before Sophomore year & havn't been the same since. It's miraculous to think that I've found this connection so young in life. People who laugh at me I laugh back at becuase I pity their cynicism. It's an amazing experience to have someone who can completely be yourself around and know that they won't judge your or think worse of you.
My love for him deepens each day. We've overcome insurmountable odds. It's not a dependence on each other, but rather an extension of one and others beings. I don't care how fucking corny it sounds, there is no other way to describe it. It's as real and gritty as pain and as dreamy and lofty as love. It's both. It's the best thing thats ever happened to me. Chris is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You can come to our wedding, if you like, but don't tell me who can and can't make it based on your opinions becuase I will [and have] laugh in your face.
Who I am now has a lot to do with music. As corny and lame as it may sound, when my sister bought me Led Zeppelin IV for Christmas Sophomore year, it was a reveloution for me. I've heard a lot of people say the only reason I listen to the music I do, wear the clothes I wear, think the way I think, & act the way I act is becuase Chris is like that also but it couldn't be farther from the truth. Chris doesn't like the same music I do, Chris & I have almost no ethical opinions that match, and why would I dress like my boyfriend? I never see him in skirts. So, now that that rumor has been dispelled, I won't argue with the fact that music has influenced me greatly. I like to think that I'm fairly open-minded when it comes to music, but it's undeniable that I love classic rock- always have, always will. Some of my earliest memories involve listening to Queen, The Beatles [specifically Abbey Road], Steely Dan... Led Zeppelin was the clincher for me, however, the start of a metamorphasis. It allowed me to open a door to the past and to devour the 1960's. It's an intrinsic part of me, something that can never and will never change.
Who I am now has a lot to do with where I live. I grew up in the suburbs and moving to Three Oaks has been a nightmere for the most part. Before I had my lisence, I felt the same abandonment as countless other teenagers do living in a small town- my boyfriend was two hours away and my best friend for 12 years an hour away. It made me bitter and angry. River Valley made me even more bitter and angry, and I still struggle with that today, even though I've been gone for three years. I commend those of you [my friends] who went to River Valley and hated it and got through it. I couldn't do it. Dealing with that has made me come off as a bitch and a snob to some, and I'm not going to waste my time going into why I hated Three Oaks/River Valley as I have done it multiple times before. Let's just say it was ignorance that turned me off and it was my own ignorance that made me come off as a bitch about it. Through certain people in my Senior year, I've learned how ugly ignorance can be and have vowed to be more self-aware about it and try to not be it.
Who I am today has a lot to do with LaLumiere, particularly my English classes and my Ethics class. Ethics has opened my eyes to worlds of suffering, pain, hate, greed, death. Places I always knew existed but just kind of forgot about. I've felt shame, anger, and frustration at myself for caring about trivial things so much when in the larger frame a of reference mattered so little. English at LaLumiere, particularly my Junior and Senior year, has renewed my passion for writing, the language, the linguistics, and everything that goes along with it. I want to be a writer, and I will be a writer. I am very impassioned and serious about this, so to those of you who are daring enough to think I can't do it or think I am a bad writer, I just like to give you a very big fuck you very much. I'm pretty sure another 18 or 19 year old cannot seriously analyze the potentional of another 18 or 19 year old so FUCK OFF. Also, don't try suicide- nobody gives a damn.
Who I am today has a lot to do with icons in my life- good and bad. Most of the people I know have taught me what not to do and how not to act. I appreciate everyone's mistakes, ignorance, and how hypocritical they can be becuase I have learned much from it. I'm sure others have looked at me and taken away how they don't want to be- glad to have helped. Positive icons have been just a big as an influence- a person can double as both. I know a lot of my ideas come from my sister, Gillian, who is quite like my clone [although not 100%].
Who I am today has a lot to do with who I was in the past. Ideals that shaped me still hold true, although I have broken quite a few of them. I believe in change, growth, and maturity more then anything, and I am not regretful or shamed that I have altered my ideals in the last 18 years. Obviously what held true at 13 does not always carry over to 18.
Who I am today has a lot to do with people I have met in the past. You all know who you are and what you have done. Good or bad, thank you. I wouldn't want to be any other way then I am right now.
To begin to wrap this up, I'm graduating from high school in two days. I'm a whirlwind of happiness, bitterness, joy, fear, pain, curioisity, and love. I want to write more on this but like I always say and always have said, don't expect a lot. I'm working two jobs this summer, going to Jamaica, and going to college. I'll be around. I always have been.
LOVE, Ayla
I decided to post this becuase it's the end of an era. I got a livejournal the start of freshman year [not necessarily this one] and now its the end of senior year. I decided to post this becuase change is rampant in my life. I decided to post this becuase I'm stuck at work for 9 hours and I have nothing better to do.
Don't get me wrong- I'm not going to delete my livejournal. The truth is, with the success of myspace, my livejournal has just sort of faded into the dust. Sure, I'll write something, but to what cause? No feedback, no nothing. I guess I've made the transition to the myspace cult. What can I say? I'm 18. Myspace is addictive and feeds your ego in a ridiculously easy fashion. Besides, most of what I write has become more private, personal. & shouldn't be available for anyone to read. & I know who reads this.
My life since LaLumiere has been radically different then the life I had before. It's hard to pinpoint everything that is exactly different. I could name a lot of things [i.e. I have a nephew now, & a tattoo, something I never dreamnt of freshman year.] but it's something else from that, something huge. Something transitional.
It has a lot to do with Chris. I know people get sick of hearing about Chris but I really don't give a fuck. We've been together for three years so, yeah, kind of a HUGE part of my life, sorry. I met him the summer before Sophomore year & havn't been the same since. It's miraculous to think that I've found this connection so young in life. People who laugh at me I laugh back at becuase I pity their cynicism. It's an amazing experience to have someone who can completely be yourself around and know that they won't judge your or think worse of you.
My love for him deepens each day. We've overcome insurmountable odds. It's not a dependence on each other, but rather an extension of one and others beings. I don't care how fucking corny it sounds, there is no other way to describe it. It's as real and gritty as pain and as dreamy and lofty as love. It's both. It's the best thing thats ever happened to me. Chris is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You can come to our wedding, if you like, but don't tell me who can and can't make it based on your opinions becuase I will [and have] laugh in your face.
Who I am now has a lot to do with music. As corny and lame as it may sound, when my sister bought me Led Zeppelin IV for Christmas Sophomore year, it was a reveloution for me. I've heard a lot of people say the only reason I listen to the music I do, wear the clothes I wear, think the way I think, & act the way I act is becuase Chris is like that also but it couldn't be farther from the truth. Chris doesn't like the same music I do, Chris & I have almost no ethical opinions that match, and why would I dress like my boyfriend? I never see him in skirts. So, now that that rumor has been dispelled, I won't argue with the fact that music has influenced me greatly. I like to think that I'm fairly open-minded when it comes to music, but it's undeniable that I love classic rock- always have, always will. Some of my earliest memories involve listening to Queen, The Beatles [specifically Abbey Road], Steely Dan... Led Zeppelin was the clincher for me, however, the start of a metamorphasis. It allowed me to open a door to the past and to devour the 1960's. It's an intrinsic part of me, something that can never and will never change.
Who I am now has a lot to do with where I live. I grew up in the suburbs and moving to Three Oaks has been a nightmere for the most part. Before I had my lisence, I felt the same abandonment as countless other teenagers do living in a small town- my boyfriend was two hours away and my best friend for 12 years an hour away. It made me bitter and angry. River Valley made me even more bitter and angry, and I still struggle with that today, even though I've been gone for three years. I commend those of you [my friends] who went to River Valley and hated it and got through it. I couldn't do it. Dealing with that has made me come off as a bitch and a snob to some, and I'm not going to waste my time going into why I hated Three Oaks/River Valley as I have done it multiple times before. Let's just say it was ignorance that turned me off and it was my own ignorance that made me come off as a bitch about it. Through certain people in my Senior year, I've learned how ugly ignorance can be and have vowed to be more self-aware about it and try to not be it.
Who I am today has a lot to do with LaLumiere, particularly my English classes and my Ethics class. Ethics has opened my eyes to worlds of suffering, pain, hate, greed, death. Places I always knew existed but just kind of forgot about. I've felt shame, anger, and frustration at myself for caring about trivial things so much when in the larger frame a of reference mattered so little. English at LaLumiere, particularly my Junior and Senior year, has renewed my passion for writing, the language, the linguistics, and everything that goes along with it. I want to be a writer, and I will be a writer. I am very impassioned and serious about this, so to those of you who are daring enough to think I can't do it or think I am a bad writer, I just like to give you a very big fuck you very much. I'm pretty sure another 18 or 19 year old cannot seriously analyze the potentional of another 18 or 19 year old so FUCK OFF. Also, don't try suicide- nobody gives a damn.
Who I am today has a lot to do with icons in my life- good and bad. Most of the people I know have taught me what not to do and how not to act. I appreciate everyone's mistakes, ignorance, and how hypocritical they can be becuase I have learned much from it. I'm sure others have looked at me and taken away how they don't want to be- glad to have helped. Positive icons have been just a big as an influence- a person can double as both. I know a lot of my ideas come from my sister, Gillian, who is quite like my clone [although not 100%].
Who I am today has a lot to do with who I was in the past. Ideals that shaped me still hold true, although I have broken quite a few of them. I believe in change, growth, and maturity more then anything, and I am not regretful or shamed that I have altered my ideals in the last 18 years. Obviously what held true at 13 does not always carry over to 18.
Who I am today has a lot to do with people I have met in the past. You all know who you are and what you have done. Good or bad, thank you. I wouldn't want to be any other way then I am right now.
To begin to wrap this up, I'm graduating from high school in two days. I'm a whirlwind of happiness, bitterness, joy, fear, pain, curioisity, and love. I want to write more on this but like I always say and always have said, don't expect a lot. I'm working two jobs this summer, going to Jamaica, and going to college. I'll be around. I always have been.
LOVE, Ayla