I've noticed.
That in recent times I have learned how to not fight for anything I want.
Sure, I'll be upset if I don't get it, and it's something really important to me.
But I have lacked the urge to actually fight for it. To stand up to people and say, I would do almost anything for this. I guess I have learned so many times in the past that getting my hopes up to only get shot down, is a feeling I dislike very much. Believe me, I have tried. Therefore, I now seem to not get my hopes up, so that when I hear or can just tell that something will not work out, it's not such a big blow. I just ignore it, usually blame myself or just be annoyed, and move on.
This has absolute nothing to do with anything that has been going on between me and Trey, or me and any one of my friends. I promise you that.
It's just that I have in fact realized this after spending much time thinking to myself... And it is a pretty worrying thought. I don't mean to be so apathetic about certain aspects of my life, but I guess it is just that I am tired of being hurt.
You may say I complain a lot and that it gets old, but I say I really do not care.
These past... oh say, six months? Have been the most draining, the most harmful, and the most aggravating six months of my entire life. While being some of the most amazing experiences I could ever ask for.
I honestly don't think any other kid of this generation could say that, but I won't go out of my way to explain any details. However.
It has left me dead to most of everything. I'm always tired and yet I'm always restless.
When I'm happy, I'm happy-happy and when I'm sad, I'm ugh-ugh. I guess that is life though, right?
My life is not completely terrible. It is not at all, and I completely enjoy the majority of things that happen. As I've mentioned plenty of times, my friends are the most important and most amazing aspect of my live and pretty often I feel sorry they even have to deal with me. I am trying so very hard to return to my more confident attitude that I had about six months ago, when I really didn't care about what anyone except for my closest friends and family thought. Me and music are having a returning passion for each other, and I am so happy to have found our long lost relationship. It makes my heart twist and turn in ways you couldn't imagine, it makes me just want to move. I'm starting to find old friends I once knew, and becoming friends with them again, which is such a fun thought. I have also realized how much I love my Youth group and going to spend time with them every Sunday. Ha ha, they are pretty much fun as fun can be.
I miss a few things. My art, being creative especially. Being completely happy as can be with a pencil and a piece of paper, or my mouse/tablet and paint-chat. That's some fun stuff right there. I miss reading. Just sitting down with a book, becoming lost in someone's world. Someone's emotions. It's thrilling and I need thrilling. I also hate to admit that while I was able to fend off Harry Potter(no one bash me for this, I just never had an urge to read it) I'm becoming in intrigued with everyone's intrigue of the Twilight Series. So... if I read it everyone should praise me for I don't read often. I would probably be a whole lot smarter than I am now. I would also like to add that I miss writing. I used to write the silliest poems, short stories, and almost novel length stories. I lost them all during computer-crash and never found the will to write again. Like I said before, I miss the simple things. When I used to ask for five boxes of computer paper for Christmas. (I actually got it and was extremely happy, mind you.)
I think... I need to be productive. I really, really need to be productive.
I guess the only reason I was writing this was to tell myself to become inspired, because I can't always be inspired by other people, can I? Or else I would make it nowhere. And yet, also to give myself more courage to fight for the things I want. Especially since all I can force myself to fight for is good grades right now. I'm not so sure how that one will work out, but I guess everything is worth a try.
Right?
That's my spill for today. I'll be surprised if anyone reads this all the way through.
I love you.
Sure, I'll be upset if I don't get it, and it's something really important to me.
But I have lacked the urge to actually fight for it. To stand up to people and say, I would do almost anything for this. I guess I have learned so many times in the past that getting my hopes up to only get shot down, is a feeling I dislike very much. Believe me, I have tried. Therefore, I now seem to not get my hopes up, so that when I hear or can just tell that something will not work out, it's not such a big blow. I just ignore it, usually blame myself or just be annoyed, and move on.
This has absolute nothing to do with anything that has been going on between me and Trey, or me and any one of my friends. I promise you that.
It's just that I have in fact realized this after spending much time thinking to myself... And it is a pretty worrying thought. I don't mean to be so apathetic about certain aspects of my life, but I guess it is just that I am tired of being hurt.
You may say I complain a lot and that it gets old, but I say I really do not care.
These past... oh say, six months? Have been the most draining, the most harmful, and the most aggravating six months of my entire life. While being some of the most amazing experiences I could ever ask for.
I honestly don't think any other kid of this generation could say that, but I won't go out of my way to explain any details. However.
It has left me dead to most of everything. I'm always tired and yet I'm always restless.
When I'm happy, I'm happy-happy and when I'm sad, I'm ugh-ugh. I guess that is life though, right?
My life is not completely terrible. It is not at all, and I completely enjoy the majority of things that happen. As I've mentioned plenty of times, my friends are the most important and most amazing aspect of my live and pretty often I feel sorry they even have to deal with me. I am trying so very hard to return to my more confident attitude that I had about six months ago, when I really didn't care about what anyone except for my closest friends and family thought. Me and music are having a returning passion for each other, and I am so happy to have found our long lost relationship. It makes my heart twist and turn in ways you couldn't imagine, it makes me just want to move. I'm starting to find old friends I once knew, and becoming friends with them again, which is such a fun thought. I have also realized how much I love my Youth group and going to spend time with them every Sunday. Ha ha, they are pretty much fun as fun can be.
I miss a few things. My art, being creative especially. Being completely happy as can be with a pencil and a piece of paper, or my mouse/tablet and paint-chat. That's some fun stuff right there. I miss reading. Just sitting down with a book, becoming lost in someone's world. Someone's emotions. It's thrilling and I need thrilling. I also hate to admit that while I was able to fend off Harry Potter(no one bash me for this, I just never had an urge to read it) I'm becoming in intrigued with everyone's intrigue of the Twilight Series. So... if I read it everyone should praise me for I don't read often. I would probably be a whole lot smarter than I am now. I would also like to add that I miss writing. I used to write the silliest poems, short stories, and almost novel length stories. I lost them all during computer-crash and never found the will to write again. Like I said before, I miss the simple things. When I used to ask for five boxes of computer paper for Christmas. (I actually got it and was extremely happy, mind you.)
I think... I need to be productive. I really, really need to be productive.
I guess the only reason I was writing this was to tell myself to become inspired, because I can't always be inspired by other people, can I? Or else I would make it nowhere. And yet, also to give myself more courage to fight for the things I want. Especially since all I can force myself to fight for is good grades right now. I'm not so sure how that one will work out, but I guess everything is worth a try.
Right?
That's my spill for today. I'll be surprised if anyone reads this all the way through.
I love you.