(no subject)
“He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.”
-The Screwtape Letters
I berate, bash, and belittle myself whenever I come into view of my sin. For some reason, I react in a self-despising way, feeling worthless and unlovable. I then determine to fix myself: I mentally mark whenever I mess up, repent, and then try with all my strength not do commit the same crime.
I always fail.
With my words, I give my life over to God. I let Him know that there’s no way I can ever hope to fix my problems. I need Him.
My heart never agrees. Deep down I always feel as though I can do something to remedy whatever problems I face. It becomes my life’s mission, no, more than that. It becomes my obsession. It’s a simple process. I sin, I repent, I fix.
The thought that God can be pleased in my stumbling confounds my so carefully devised logic. The image of the ever-angry God that burns with wrath whenever I fall is emblazoned in my mind. If I become so upset at my failings, it seems preposterous that God would be anything but.
I desire to walk. I wish I could. But it’s terrifying to try when falling feels so fearful. Why bother when I am fated to fail?
Now I’m faced with a new answer: don’t fear falling, because God is pleased even in the stumbles.
I’m not quite sure how to handle this. The overwhelming grace filled into these few words is a bit more than my self-righteous heart can take.
But if He can make me able to rest in those comforting words, then I will no longer be forced to scold myself whenever I stagger. I’m not on my own. And even if I do mess up, it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed God altogether.
Falling isn’t so frightening anymore.