Tea solves everything ?
So things last week did not turn out the way I (we) feared. I am beyond relieved.
I am still feeling the repercussions of what I thought it would imply. I think it has shaken me more than I realised. There are times I abhor this 'coping mechanism' and times when it gives me such... relief, to know that even in those darkest situations, when I think my world imploded, its still there. All I have to do is swallow a few pills. Enough to know that I am still doing some damage.
It was a bit of a reality check. To say the least.
I know, that If I truly believed, in that situation I should pray. I should run to God. But all I wanted to do was starve, work out until everything went black, Overdose, take a knife to my skin. I wanted to run away, to fade out of this world like I had never been part of it.
I felt myself cut off.
In those situations I truly hold myself worthless in my own and other peoples eyes. I become completely self centred, but not through selfishness. I hold a genuine belief of complete and utter indifference to myself in the eyes of even the people I love the most.
It is not mere pride that prevents me asking for help, but an acknowledgement that I do not deserve their kindness.
As that is how it has always been. Growing up, children should be and need to be cared for, looked after, provided for. I was not. It was as if the normal rules of raising a child did not apply to me. I was different, fiercely independent because there was no one I could trust.
(I feel like this is a really central point but my mind is too foggy to fathom it). It seems like I have always been the exception to the rule. The one who can be palmed off with lower standards than others.
This is, consequently, how I treat myself. Really, who can blame me ?
I am still feeling the repercussions of what I thought it would imply. I think it has shaken me more than I realised. There are times I abhor this 'coping mechanism' and times when it gives me such... relief, to know that even in those darkest situations, when I think my world imploded, its still there. All I have to do is swallow a few pills. Enough to know that I am still doing some damage.
It was a bit of a reality check. To say the least.
I know, that If I truly believed, in that situation I should pray. I should run to God. But all I wanted to do was starve, work out until everything went black, Overdose, take a knife to my skin. I wanted to run away, to fade out of this world like I had never been part of it.
I felt myself cut off.
In those situations I truly hold myself worthless in my own and other peoples eyes. I become completely self centred, but not through selfishness. I hold a genuine belief of complete and utter indifference to myself in the eyes of even the people I love the most.
It is not mere pride that prevents me asking for help, but an acknowledgement that I do not deserve their kindness.
As that is how it has always been. Growing up, children should be and need to be cared for, looked after, provided for. I was not. It was as if the normal rules of raising a child did not apply to me. I was different, fiercely independent because there was no one I could trust.
(I feel like this is a really central point but my mind is too foggy to fathom it). It seems like I have always been the exception to the rule. The one who can be palmed off with lower standards than others.
This is, consequently, how I treat myself. Really, who can blame me ?