No more words...
I really don't think there's much more to say. I'm learning to adapt. I'm trying a staged return back to normal activities which is horrendously painful, but I'd rather occasionally use the painkillers than keep building up a tolerance so that I have to take a tonne of them to do the same job.
At the end of the day, I've got to move on. Try and live. Because the only other choice is killing myself, and it sounds so dramatic but honestly ? I've hurt enough. I have been through enough and this is so, so hard. I refuse to give in to suicide. I want my life back, and I am the only person when it comes down to it, who can get it back. No one is going to do that for me.
Whether I spend the next four months in bleak depression and despair, or get on with my life and have as much fun and fulfilment as I can at a very basic level, is my own responsibility and affects me the most. Although it might not feel like it, it is a decision.
So there it is, I'm deciding to keep going. Make a rehab programme, go back and see the CBT lady, eat, work, play. I want to get back in my kayak. The rivers are there whether I paddle them or not, I want to be there.
I've got a day off tomorrow, so I'm going to make a rehab plan and do some research. I need to be back out running and climbing. I'm not giving up this easily.
At the end of the day, I've got to move on. Try and live. Because the only other choice is killing myself, and it sounds so dramatic but honestly ? I've hurt enough. I have been through enough and this is so, so hard. I refuse to give in to suicide. I want my life back, and I am the only person when it comes down to it, who can get it back. No one is going to do that for me.
Whether I spend the next four months in bleak depression and despair, or get on with my life and have as much fun and fulfilment as I can at a very basic level, is my own responsibility and affects me the most. Although it might not feel like it, it is a decision.
So there it is, I'm deciding to keep going. Make a rehab programme, go back and see the CBT lady, eat, work, play. I want to get back in my kayak. The rivers are there whether I paddle them or not, I want to be there.
I've got a day off tomorrow, so I'm going to make a rehab plan and do some research. I need to be back out running and climbing. I'm not giving up this easily.