Fears...
I'm really trying. I'm getting up, showered, dressed every day. I'm going out with friends having them over. I know I isolate when I'm getting depressed and I'm trying so hard not to. 'm really trying. I'm getting up, showered, dressed every day. I'm going out with friends having them over. I know I isolate when I'm getting depressed and I'm trying so hard not to.
Unfortunately, I have managed to pick up a bug from somewhere. I think my immune system is shot from this massive lifestyle change.
So I now have a temperature, sore throat and general achey ill feeling to deal with. I actually feel like death. This is all getting slightly too much to deal with.
Work starts Monday, I have 8 hours. I have no idea how I'm going to get through it.
I'm fighting, physically it is now becoming a real challenge. I can deal with a lot, the last ten years have thrown parental divorce and abuse, neglect, rape, depression, food issues, suicide attempts, friends dying and god only knows what else at me.
I'm strong enough to get through this and I know I will. I have amazing people beside me. Its really fucking hard. And hurts so much.
But it's not going to break me. I've been through so much, and much as I want to give up right now, I refuse to give in.
I'm going to take care of myself as best as the boy and I can, until we can find someone else who is better equipped. and I will rest tonight and tomorrow.
I've got to try and work. I know it's a silly and probably too much. But I will try.
If I feel worse tomorrow im scared I'll end up in hospital again. With my back, that terrifying allergic reaction and now flu/random infection. My medications are so screwed up. I've been sick and they're not staying down so I'm in pain which makes me more sick. I don't know what to do about doses and what I can take for the cold/temperature when I'm still on antihistamines for the allergy.
My bodies falling apart. I think I abused it too much for the years of over-exercise/purging/lack of food.
I'm scared I've done this to myself. Who am I kidding ? I'm just scared.
Unfortunately, I have managed to pick up a bug from somewhere. I think my immune system is shot from this massive lifestyle change.
So I now have a temperature, sore throat and general achey ill feeling to deal with. I actually feel like death. This is all getting slightly too much to deal with.
Work starts Monday, I have 8 hours. I have no idea how I'm going to get through it.
I'm fighting, physically it is now becoming a real challenge. I can deal with a lot, the last ten years have thrown parental divorce and abuse, neglect, rape, depression, food issues, suicide attempts, friends dying and god only knows what else at me.
I'm strong enough to get through this and I know I will. I have amazing people beside me. Its really fucking hard. And hurts so much.
But it's not going to break me. I've been through so much, and much as I want to give up right now, I refuse to give in.
I'm going to take care of myself as best as the boy and I can, until we can find someone else who is better equipped. and I will rest tonight and tomorrow.
I've got to try and work. I know it's a silly and probably too much. But I will try.
If I feel worse tomorrow im scared I'll end up in hospital again. With my back, that terrifying allergic reaction and now flu/random infection. My medications are so screwed up. I've been sick and they're not staying down so I'm in pain which makes me more sick. I don't know what to do about doses and what I can take for the cold/temperature when I'm still on antihistamines for the allergy.
My bodies falling apart. I think I abused it too much for the years of over-exercise/purging/lack of food.
I'm scared I've done this to myself. Who am I kidding ? I'm just scared.