Knocking...
I think I am enjoying the challenge... of no crack, and not having J here to be accountable to*. It is so encouraging to know that even though I have more than enough crack to do a significant amount of damage, no one is watching me to make sure I eat, and I'm not accountable to anyone for how much I work out, I'm just... living. Not trying to restrict (although that is an on-going fight at every mealtime), not taking the crack (even though the temptation is sat just across the room and its been a significant amount of time) and I'm working out because I want to look healthier, stronger, and be fitter. There's no punishment. It's so liberating.
It feels so good to know that I am doing this for myself, not for anyone else. Because I'm learning that life is inherently good, and fun, and that there is so much more than pain and sadness and desperation. Although I'm not taking the credit for these steps forward... I can't help but think a lot of it is through God's strength, and my finally starting to actually let him in a bit and being open to some kind of healing/recovery.
I have started praying more earnestly for freedom from this, being more honest with myself and God in terms of where I am and where I want to be...
Running has sort of backfired on me. (Bear with me here!)
I have been considering giving the ED up for years, occasionally toying with the freedom I could have, trying to live without it and ultimately falling back. This past year has had its low points for sure, but there have been few times I have been able to engage in the behaviours under my own steam. The crack allowed me to passively harm myself and restrict, because I couldn't quite fast/restrict on my own, I wasn't driven enough. I'm not in danger now, I don't need it to cope with painful things that are happening now because there are not any. All that is left are the memories (which, granted, hold enough pain themselves).
It takes a lot of pain and a lot of hurt to work yourself into the frenzy the disease requires, and things are no longer quite that bad. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, because most days it still does. And there are still dark times.
But it is more a dull ache, which is more tolerable, and will eventually fade.
It first started with restricting/fasting at home when I was young. This eventually became obsolete because I didn't need it enough to maintain it.
The crack started a few years later, when I was kind of thinking of getting better. I think it was a panicked ED response. I don't quite know how to describe it, but it seems like when I was thinking of giving it up, the game changed, and it became easier. This was something different, it hurt, but it wasn't obvious. I knew I was damaging my heart, I felt strange, removed, and it killed my appetite so that it was difficult to eat at all.
But now its been around 6 weeks... and I don't want it back. I don't need it. I don't want to feel like that anymore.
I feel like running has been the latest thing I've used... a sort of last-ditch, 'throw it out there and see what happens' situation. In desperation, I looked for something that would be socially acceptable. Where I could push myself in the name of 'training', and no one would notice/say anything.
And what happened ?
I enjoy it - I don't see it as a punishment, it is a challenge. But I stop when I need to. I take rest days, because I want to reach my goals. And best of all, I've learnt that to train I need to eat. So I do. I eat pretty much what I want when I want. I'm healthier mentally for the exercise, I'm not losing weight, but my body is more toned and stronger.
It is even a motivation to eat. I'm not a natural runner, I find it hard. So I HAVE to eat. And quite a lot. I've started actually feeling hungry, and looking at food in terms of what my body needs to work out and have enough energy to do the things I love.
This was... unexpected. It is constantly surprising to me. I've found myself without J this week, missing his loving presence and beautiful smile so much, and just wanting to hold him. The perfect opportunity to 'slip back', restrict, over-exercise, drug myself. And what do I want to do ?
I want to prove to myself, J, God, anyone else who cares... that I can do it, I can eat, exercise in moderation, live, be happy.
A miracle ? Maybe.
*This is not to say that I don't miss him SO MUCH. I think I just need to know that I am not doing this for anyone else, or through their strength (apart from God's).
It feels so good to know that I am doing this for myself, not for anyone else. Because I'm learning that life is inherently good, and fun, and that there is so much more than pain and sadness and desperation. Although I'm not taking the credit for these steps forward... I can't help but think a lot of it is through God's strength, and my finally starting to actually let him in a bit and being open to some kind of healing/recovery.
I have started praying more earnestly for freedom from this, being more honest with myself and God in terms of where I am and where I want to be...
Running has sort of backfired on me. (Bear with me here!)
I have been considering giving the ED up for years, occasionally toying with the freedom I could have, trying to live without it and ultimately falling back. This past year has had its low points for sure, but there have been few times I have been able to engage in the behaviours under my own steam. The crack allowed me to passively harm myself and restrict, because I couldn't quite fast/restrict on my own, I wasn't driven enough. I'm not in danger now, I don't need it to cope with painful things that are happening now because there are not any. All that is left are the memories (which, granted, hold enough pain themselves).
It takes a lot of pain and a lot of hurt to work yourself into the frenzy the disease requires, and things are no longer quite that bad. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, because most days it still does. And there are still dark times.
But it is more a dull ache, which is more tolerable, and will eventually fade.
It first started with restricting/fasting at home when I was young. This eventually became obsolete because I didn't need it enough to maintain it.
The crack started a few years later, when I was kind of thinking of getting better. I think it was a panicked ED response. I don't quite know how to describe it, but it seems like when I was thinking of giving it up, the game changed, and it became easier. This was something different, it hurt, but it wasn't obvious. I knew I was damaging my heart, I felt strange, removed, and it killed my appetite so that it was difficult to eat at all.
But now its been around 6 weeks... and I don't want it back. I don't need it. I don't want to feel like that anymore.
I feel like running has been the latest thing I've used... a sort of last-ditch, 'throw it out there and see what happens' situation. In desperation, I looked for something that would be socially acceptable. Where I could push myself in the name of 'training', and no one would notice/say anything.
And what happened ?
I enjoy it - I don't see it as a punishment, it is a challenge. But I stop when I need to. I take rest days, because I want to reach my goals. And best of all, I've learnt that to train I need to eat. So I do. I eat pretty much what I want when I want. I'm healthier mentally for the exercise, I'm not losing weight, but my body is more toned and stronger.
It is even a motivation to eat. I'm not a natural runner, I find it hard. So I HAVE to eat. And quite a lot. I've started actually feeling hungry, and looking at food in terms of what my body needs to work out and have enough energy to do the things I love.
This was... unexpected. It is constantly surprising to me. I've found myself without J this week, missing his loving presence and beautiful smile so much, and just wanting to hold him. The perfect opportunity to 'slip back', restrict, over-exercise, drug myself. And what do I want to do ?
I want to prove to myself, J, God, anyone else who cares... that I can do it, I can eat, exercise in moderation, live, be happy.
A miracle ? Maybe.
*This is not to say that I don't miss him SO MUCH. I think I just need to know that I am not doing this for anyone else, or through their strength (apart from God's).