Me and My Big Mouth; or, How My Plans Changed...
You know, it never fails. I've been talking about leaving Chicago for a while now, and it's just funny how life can work out.
Last summer, when the drive to emigrate really picked up steam, I had more than one person say to me, "Hey, I know you're hell-bent on getting out of here, but plans have a way of changing. With your luck, you're gonna fall for some guy and wind up staying." Well, this just about made my head explode. Given my dating experiences in Chicago, I thought there was no way that could happen. And even if I did meet a good guy, my response was "Look, this is my plan, this is what I want to do. Nobody is gonna make me change my mind."
More than one person asked me why I was bothering to date at all if I wanted to leave, but I was lonely. Six weeks and a day ago, I went on my first date with Robert. We had a pretty good time, and at the end of the date, our first kiss lasted 15 minutes. In February, so it's not exactly like it was warm outside. His response: "That's the sexiest, most uncomfortable thing I've ever done." We've spent a lot of time together doing a lot of different things together (that's not what I mean and you know it) and have had a great time. When the subject of my plan to move to San Francisco came up, all he said was, "I hope you'll be in Chicago for a while." He didn't ask me or tell me not to go. And it melted my heart.
I'm not ENTIRELY sure what's happening right now (who is ever that sure? Not me), but it's great. I never really thought I would meet a man quite like this. He even takes my anxiety in stride - he actually makes it go away. All I have to do is tell him that it's flaring up a little, and we talk for a minute, and it's GONE. He doesn't freak out or think that it's weird. But this anxiety isn't the gut-wrenching kind where I feel terrible and can't eat. I'm actually anxious because I am so happy. This sounds weird, but if you have any anxiety, you completely understand that the fear of what makes you happy will disappear is the worst of all. I keep thinking that he's going to change his mind about me or something will take him away. And instead of dismissing me, he lets me get my fears off my chest, puts his arms around me, and it all melts away. He listens to me - not just when I'm upset. And he remembers the things I tell him.
Given my past, it's not really a surprise that having finally found the sort of relationship I've always wanted, that I should have some anxiety now that I've actually found it. The anxiety is sporadic, and should fade with time - it always does. He is so smart and funny, and he is the kindest man I've ever met. He makes me want to be a better person - not for fear that I'm not good enough for him, but in a way that inspires me to live a good life. And he is the hottest man I've ever met in my life. Every time I see him, I'm reminded of how handsome he is, and it's always a delightful little jolt.
I'm excited about starting an adventure with this amazing man who makes me happy and who thinks I am the bee's knees. Part of me wonders what people will think since I've changed my plan, but they can fuck off. What is the point in making plans if you have nobody to share them with? I would rather be in any city with him than San Francisco without him. Nobody knows what the future holds, or where our paths take us. But if Robert wants to walk this path with me, I will gladly take his hand and find out.
Last summer, when the drive to emigrate really picked up steam, I had more than one person say to me, "Hey, I know you're hell-bent on getting out of here, but plans have a way of changing. With your luck, you're gonna fall for some guy and wind up staying." Well, this just about made my head explode. Given my dating experiences in Chicago, I thought there was no way that could happen. And even if I did meet a good guy, my response was "Look, this is my plan, this is what I want to do. Nobody is gonna make me change my mind."
More than one person asked me why I was bothering to date at all if I wanted to leave, but I was lonely. Six weeks and a day ago, I went on my first date with Robert. We had a pretty good time, and at the end of the date, our first kiss lasted 15 minutes. In February, so it's not exactly like it was warm outside. His response: "That's the sexiest, most uncomfortable thing I've ever done." We've spent a lot of time together doing a lot of different things together (that's not what I mean and you know it) and have had a great time. When the subject of my plan to move to San Francisco came up, all he said was, "I hope you'll be in Chicago for a while." He didn't ask me or tell me not to go. And it melted my heart.
I'm not ENTIRELY sure what's happening right now (who is ever that sure? Not me), but it's great. I never really thought I would meet a man quite like this. He even takes my anxiety in stride - he actually makes it go away. All I have to do is tell him that it's flaring up a little, and we talk for a minute, and it's GONE. He doesn't freak out or think that it's weird. But this anxiety isn't the gut-wrenching kind where I feel terrible and can't eat. I'm actually anxious because I am so happy. This sounds weird, but if you have any anxiety, you completely understand that the fear of what makes you happy will disappear is the worst of all. I keep thinking that he's going to change his mind about me or something will take him away. And instead of dismissing me, he lets me get my fears off my chest, puts his arms around me, and it all melts away. He listens to me - not just when I'm upset. And he remembers the things I tell him.
Given my past, it's not really a surprise that having finally found the sort of relationship I've always wanted, that I should have some anxiety now that I've actually found it. The anxiety is sporadic, and should fade with time - it always does. He is so smart and funny, and he is the kindest man I've ever met. He makes me want to be a better person - not for fear that I'm not good enough for him, but in a way that inspires me to live a good life. And he is the hottest man I've ever met in my life. Every time I see him, I'm reminded of how handsome he is, and it's always a delightful little jolt.
I'm excited about starting an adventure with this amazing man who makes me happy and who thinks I am the bee's knees. Part of me wonders what people will think since I've changed my plan, but they can fuck off. What is the point in making plans if you have nobody to share them with? I would rather be in any city with him than San Francisco without him. Nobody knows what the future holds, or where our paths take us. But if Robert wants to walk this path with me, I will gladly take his hand and find out.