That was the year that was
I almost want to say that was the year that was wasted, but it would be such a lie. Many good things happened in 2010. Emotionally, I was somewhat slightly above "basketcase" but since most of my friends are there, too, it doesn't make much difference.
A whole year - it took me an entire year to get over Robbie. I got him out of my system by going back to the scene of the crime, as it were. Going to Stompede again in SF really helped. It really liberated me. When I came back, I felt like I could really truly breathe free and clear. I felt like a whole person again, like Steven. It was a great feeling, one I'd forgotten. I don't feel like it was wasted, but I had no idea that someone with so little time spent around me would have such a profound impact on me. I'm sure part of it is because he lived so far away. And I'm sure part of it is because it felt taken from me before it should have been. But I would not trade that experience for anything. It hurt unbelievably deep and long, and it took excruciating patience to wipe his fingerprints off of my heart, but at the same time, I felt like I'd been woken up and shown something. He showed me what I really want out of life, the kind of guy I want to settle down with. I never even knew what I was looking for until then, and in a way, it's made things so much easier.
So, emotionally, I was a disaster. Months spent crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason, and without rhyme. But I'm not a big crier, so maybe I had to do that to rebalance myself somehow? Who knows. Another thing is that it really showed me who my friends are. The ones who look out for me and care about me enough to see if I'm ok. Not to have them holding my hand every step of the way, but making themselves a constant presence in my life so the crushing loneliness would not take hold.
I've become closer to some friends and farther from others. The ones I've drifted from finally gave me some peace at NYE. It made me realize that I don't particularly want them as major parts of my life if this is the way they are. Lynne pointed out to me that I don't really have that much in common with them except for dance, which is true. They love to go out and drink, which is not my favorite thing. I like alcohol, but there are other things in life. She pointed out that the things I like and am interested in are too far from what they want and like. She called it fluff, and while fluff is fun, it's not all there is. So I've decided to let it go - there may be something that I've done to completely piss them off and wind up on the do-not-invite list. Probably something they've read here, but who knows? I don't think any of them are interested in it. She said that while we're dance connected, there wasn't much else we had in common, and that was a good thing. Not that they're terrible people, but you don't want everything in common with everyone. So the dancing part with them is fun, but I'll live with the rest. I will say that one of them deliberately excluded me from his NYE party, which is fine, because there was someone there who I had no interest in being around whatsoever. I can't deal with the 5-year-old temper tantrums that Jhonmar throws at a moment's notice. They're too exhausting. This same person invited himself along to dinner with me and Alan, which I found ironically funny. What was I going to do, say no? The only thing that annoyed me is that I wanted to talk just to Alan about stuff in general. He's a good guy to talk to and lots of fun to hang out with.
Work-wise, this year has been great. My boss is fantastic, I love the work that I do, and I make a decent living. I was thinking the other day where I was 10 years ago and that I never thought I'd be at this job, doing this kind of work, making this kind of moolah. Not that I'm super-wealthy all of a sudden, but I don't actually have to worry about money anymore, and that was another huge burden off my shoulders. I can pay all my bills, pay down my last bit of debt, and still enjoy myself going out once in a while. And I'm going to Europe this year if it kills me. Anyway, so I was thinking 10 years back and realize that I'm light years ahead of most guys I knew in their mid-30s at the time.
Another thing about my job is the presence of gay people at work. I had no idea what a stressor it was to be the only homo until there were several around me. There really is strength in numbers. My last job, if I'd said I was going to be in the parade this summer, everyone would have asked me which one and all this other nonsense. People at my new job talk about how much fun their kids have at Pride, going to see the parade. They don't even have to ask. I feel so much freer than I used to, without even realizing it. And my commute is so fabulously short, I don't know what to do with all my free time. :-)
My money situation is manageable. I've been finding my feet with this new job. I took half a dozen trips to MD, went to SF, and got a bigger place. Now I can settle down and pay down my credit card, half of which is due to the fucking chiro appts I was doing. Which leads me to....
My health is in a much better place. I feel better, I look better, all for many reasons. I stopped going to the chiropractor. It was good for what I needed, but I felt like I had plateaued and I was starting to feel like a cash crop for them. I know they wanted to help, but at the same time, I felt like there was much more they could have done. They never helped me put together an outside exercise/stretching program, they never delved to deeply into what I was doing outside of the appts to see if there were lifestyle changes I could make. Of course, I figured all of these out on my own, which is fine. But between costing me several grand on my credit card and not going anywhere, I just decided to drop it. I have to go in some day and tell them I've decided to discontinue chiro care. It's just not what I need. The stretching series I came up with for before working out, in addition to working out more intensely has done WONDERS for all my joint problems. I feel like a new man. Granted, a slightly more tired one, but a new one nonetheless.
Men - oy, where do I even start? I was reminded of why I didn't date a whole lot in college. Everyone was so serious the past year or so - didn't anybody just want to go out and have a good time getting to know each other? Everything is such a huge deal, it seems. Nobody can simply sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and some hilarious conversation. Everyone SAYS they can, but nobody actually does it. They can't. They really can't sit still for any length of time, esp if god forbid their phone is not around. And since I don't know a lot of pop culture, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to connect with them. Or any number of problems. I did meet my friend Mark out of it - we went out a few times and now that we're friends, I'm so happy having him as part of my life. He's becoming a very good friend. And I did go out last night with this really cute, really sweet guy. We'll see what happens. Aside from his name, he has a lot of promise. :-) I know he's read this journal (who knows how far back) and will probably read that, as well. If I still get a second date out of him, then he wasn't offended...
I don't know how to write about the year ahead because it hasn't happened yet. I have a feeling that there will be more writing in 2011. And not just on here. Not that I have plans to try and get published or anything ridiculous like that, but I've got two ideas "in development." We'll see what happens. That's really the best philosophy. "We'll see what happens." Who needs expectations? Ugh. The only ones I can deal with any more are that I expect to giggle a lot, I expect I'll continue to meet my Martini Wednesday buddies for a mid-week catch-up, and I expect that if I don't get my ass out of the house and get some food real quick, I'm going to be late to meet Masha and Jason. I can't believe they're leaving me. How dare they move to LA to pursue career dreams. What selfish people I'm friends with....
In other news, the gym and Netflix seem to be my new besties, which is fabulous because together they keep me pain-free and out of trouble. I can't wait for spring (and around here, I mean late May) so I can start riding my bike on the lakeshore again. It's hands-down my favorite thing to do in Chicago and I can finally be outside more! Which means I'll spend fewer days exercising inside. I sound so butch these days. Not.
A whole year - it took me an entire year to get over Robbie. I got him out of my system by going back to the scene of the crime, as it were. Going to Stompede again in SF really helped. It really liberated me. When I came back, I felt like I could really truly breathe free and clear. I felt like a whole person again, like Steven. It was a great feeling, one I'd forgotten. I don't feel like it was wasted, but I had no idea that someone with so little time spent around me would have such a profound impact on me. I'm sure part of it is because he lived so far away. And I'm sure part of it is because it felt taken from me before it should have been. But I would not trade that experience for anything. It hurt unbelievably deep and long, and it took excruciating patience to wipe his fingerprints off of my heart, but at the same time, I felt like I'd been woken up and shown something. He showed me what I really want out of life, the kind of guy I want to settle down with. I never even knew what I was looking for until then, and in a way, it's made things so much easier.
So, emotionally, I was a disaster. Months spent crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason, and without rhyme. But I'm not a big crier, so maybe I had to do that to rebalance myself somehow? Who knows. Another thing is that it really showed me who my friends are. The ones who look out for me and care about me enough to see if I'm ok. Not to have them holding my hand every step of the way, but making themselves a constant presence in my life so the crushing loneliness would not take hold.
I've become closer to some friends and farther from others. The ones I've drifted from finally gave me some peace at NYE. It made me realize that I don't particularly want them as major parts of my life if this is the way they are. Lynne pointed out to me that I don't really have that much in common with them except for dance, which is true. They love to go out and drink, which is not my favorite thing. I like alcohol, but there are other things in life. She pointed out that the things I like and am interested in are too far from what they want and like. She called it fluff, and while fluff is fun, it's not all there is. So I've decided to let it go - there may be something that I've done to completely piss them off and wind up on the do-not-invite list. Probably something they've read here, but who knows? I don't think any of them are interested in it. She said that while we're dance connected, there wasn't much else we had in common, and that was a good thing. Not that they're terrible people, but you don't want everything in common with everyone. So the dancing part with them is fun, but I'll live with the rest. I will say that one of them deliberately excluded me from his NYE party, which is fine, because there was someone there who I had no interest in being around whatsoever. I can't deal with the 5-year-old temper tantrums that Jhonmar throws at a moment's notice. They're too exhausting. This same person invited himself along to dinner with me and Alan, which I found ironically funny. What was I going to do, say no? The only thing that annoyed me is that I wanted to talk just to Alan about stuff in general. He's a good guy to talk to and lots of fun to hang out with.
Work-wise, this year has been great. My boss is fantastic, I love the work that I do, and I make a decent living. I was thinking the other day where I was 10 years ago and that I never thought I'd be at this job, doing this kind of work, making this kind of moolah. Not that I'm super-wealthy all of a sudden, but I don't actually have to worry about money anymore, and that was another huge burden off my shoulders. I can pay all my bills, pay down my last bit of debt, and still enjoy myself going out once in a while. And I'm going to Europe this year if it kills me. Anyway, so I was thinking 10 years back and realize that I'm light years ahead of most guys I knew in their mid-30s at the time.
Another thing about my job is the presence of gay people at work. I had no idea what a stressor it was to be the only homo until there were several around me. There really is strength in numbers. My last job, if I'd said I was going to be in the parade this summer, everyone would have asked me which one and all this other nonsense. People at my new job talk about how much fun their kids have at Pride, going to see the parade. They don't even have to ask. I feel so much freer than I used to, without even realizing it. And my commute is so fabulously short, I don't know what to do with all my free time. :-)
My money situation is manageable. I've been finding my feet with this new job. I took half a dozen trips to MD, went to SF, and got a bigger place. Now I can settle down and pay down my credit card, half of which is due to the fucking chiro appts I was doing. Which leads me to....
My health is in a much better place. I feel better, I look better, all for many reasons. I stopped going to the chiropractor. It was good for what I needed, but I felt like I had plateaued and I was starting to feel like a cash crop for them. I know they wanted to help, but at the same time, I felt like there was much more they could have done. They never helped me put together an outside exercise/stretching program, they never delved to deeply into what I was doing outside of the appts to see if there were lifestyle changes I could make. Of course, I figured all of these out on my own, which is fine. But between costing me several grand on my credit card and not going anywhere, I just decided to drop it. I have to go in some day and tell them I've decided to discontinue chiro care. It's just not what I need. The stretching series I came up with for before working out, in addition to working out more intensely has done WONDERS for all my joint problems. I feel like a new man. Granted, a slightly more tired one, but a new one nonetheless.
Men - oy, where do I even start? I was reminded of why I didn't date a whole lot in college. Everyone was so serious the past year or so - didn't anybody just want to go out and have a good time getting to know each other? Everything is such a huge deal, it seems. Nobody can simply sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and some hilarious conversation. Everyone SAYS they can, but nobody actually does it. They can't. They really can't sit still for any length of time, esp if god forbid their phone is not around. And since I don't know a lot of pop culture, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to connect with them. Or any number of problems. I did meet my friend Mark out of it - we went out a few times and now that we're friends, I'm so happy having him as part of my life. He's becoming a very good friend. And I did go out last night with this really cute, really sweet guy. We'll see what happens. Aside from his name, he has a lot of promise. :-) I know he's read this journal (who knows how far back) and will probably read that, as well. If I still get a second date out of him, then he wasn't offended...
I don't know how to write about the year ahead because it hasn't happened yet. I have a feeling that there will be more writing in 2011. And not just on here. Not that I have plans to try and get published or anything ridiculous like that, but I've got two ideas "in development." We'll see what happens. That's really the best philosophy. "We'll see what happens." Who needs expectations? Ugh. The only ones I can deal with any more are that I expect to giggle a lot, I expect I'll continue to meet my Martini Wednesday buddies for a mid-week catch-up, and I expect that if I don't get my ass out of the house and get some food real quick, I'm going to be late to meet Masha and Jason. I can't believe they're leaving me. How dare they move to LA to pursue career dreams. What selfish people I'm friends with....
In other news, the gym and Netflix seem to be my new besties, which is fabulous because together they keep me pain-free and out of trouble. I can't wait for spring (and around here, I mean late May) so I can start riding my bike on the lakeshore again. It's hands-down my favorite thing to do in Chicago and I can finally be outside more! Which means I'll spend fewer days exercising inside. I sound so butch these days. Not.