Fuck Cancer and Connections
I wonder why I write about things. My superstition about putting a guy’s phone number in my cell phone still holds true. Ie, If I put his number in my phone, I will not hear from him beyond a date or two. The same holds true for writing about someone or talking about someone. I waited before talking too much about the guy I mentioned in the last post. Now that I have put a name to him with my friends, and written about him here, he is gone.
I made it to a fourth date, and I guess that’s the date you decide you don’t want to see that person anymore. Ouch. We talked for hours about what we each wanted. And if it was a year from now, we might have wanted the same things. But he wants to be single and I want to be with someone. So it just can’t work. We had this intense mental and emotional connection, which makes this even worse.
So I took the long way home and tried to cry about it. I am truly sad about it as I did start to like him. And the car seems to be the only place I can cry and be myself. I have no idea how I’m not in my accidents with the blinding back pain, heads, and constant tears. But I couldn’t find the tears. Then at work, I was super upset. We have been telling the family about my mom and they have been emailing me about it, to see how she is doing. It’s really upsetting. And I’m just learning now that my cousin has been battling throat cancer. Fuck cancer.
The guy wrote to me and said that I was a good person and deserved the best, etc, etc, and I wrote back saying that I wished things were different and I sent him my last journal post, unedited. I didn’t expect a response, but he emailed back and said that that’s what he wanted from me, to not hold back. And that did I think sending my journal entry to him would have changed his mind. It was really strange. I don’t think if I had opened up more to him about my mom that he would have wanted to be in a relationship with me.
But now he knows all there is to know so there’s really no reason to talk to me anymore. He said he felt like we had some unfinished business and I believe that as well. I believe that there was a reason we came into each other’s lives. I’m not sure that time was meant to be only four dates. I don’t know. Maybe we will talk again in a year, or two, or maybe he will want to see me again. I don’t know. I am tired of being the nice girl kicked to the curb. I have had friends tell me to just go with it and have fun. That’s nice of them to say. They are not the ones getting hurt in all this. I’m going to hang out with this guy and half-ass date him, fall for him, and he will not want anything from me beyond someone to cuddle with on the couch. Then he’ll say that he warned me from the start that he wanted nothing more from me, and it’s me who’s hurt. I’m not interested in that.
So I’m sad about this. Perhaps he’s not the one for me, well, I guess he isn’t, based on our last conversation. So I’m back on the scene looking for someone. I don’t have a ton of faith or confidence in me anymore. I’m finding this rejection really hard. And the more people I meet, the more I put my heart out there only to be crushed. This hot young ginger I went out with twice really did a number on me. I thought everything was great, then he just disappeared. I emailed him a good bye and he didn’t even have the decency to respond. Not that I asked for a response, of course. In all my ravings about the why, there are some things that are probably better left alone. And I would hate to know the real reason he stopped talking to me.
I feel tired. I feel like I invest time in these guys only for them to disappear from my life. It’s exhausting. I just want someone to be the one. Or at least someone who sees some sort of future with me. I’m hurt. And I’m scared about facing it all alone, still. I want to get out of this and feel positive and happy and driven, but part of me just doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning.
That was the great thing about this smart guy. He is super positive and into self-improvement, and I feel like that influence would be really great for me in my life. I want to feel that with someone. But now that I had it and lost it, I don’t want to keep going through this.
I made it to a fourth date, and I guess that’s the date you decide you don’t want to see that person anymore. Ouch. We talked for hours about what we each wanted. And if it was a year from now, we might have wanted the same things. But he wants to be single and I want to be with someone. So it just can’t work. We had this intense mental and emotional connection, which makes this even worse.
So I took the long way home and tried to cry about it. I am truly sad about it as I did start to like him. And the car seems to be the only place I can cry and be myself. I have no idea how I’m not in my accidents with the blinding back pain, heads, and constant tears. But I couldn’t find the tears. Then at work, I was super upset. We have been telling the family about my mom and they have been emailing me about it, to see how she is doing. It’s really upsetting. And I’m just learning now that my cousin has been battling throat cancer. Fuck cancer.
The guy wrote to me and said that I was a good person and deserved the best, etc, etc, and I wrote back saying that I wished things were different and I sent him my last journal post, unedited. I didn’t expect a response, but he emailed back and said that that’s what he wanted from me, to not hold back. And that did I think sending my journal entry to him would have changed his mind. It was really strange. I don’t think if I had opened up more to him about my mom that he would have wanted to be in a relationship with me.
But now he knows all there is to know so there’s really no reason to talk to me anymore. He said he felt like we had some unfinished business and I believe that as well. I believe that there was a reason we came into each other’s lives. I’m not sure that time was meant to be only four dates. I don’t know. Maybe we will talk again in a year, or two, or maybe he will want to see me again. I don’t know. I am tired of being the nice girl kicked to the curb. I have had friends tell me to just go with it and have fun. That’s nice of them to say. They are not the ones getting hurt in all this. I’m going to hang out with this guy and half-ass date him, fall for him, and he will not want anything from me beyond someone to cuddle with on the couch. Then he’ll say that he warned me from the start that he wanted nothing more from me, and it’s me who’s hurt. I’m not interested in that.
So I’m sad about this. Perhaps he’s not the one for me, well, I guess he isn’t, based on our last conversation. So I’m back on the scene looking for someone. I don’t have a ton of faith or confidence in me anymore. I’m finding this rejection really hard. And the more people I meet, the more I put my heart out there only to be crushed. This hot young ginger I went out with twice really did a number on me. I thought everything was great, then he just disappeared. I emailed him a good bye and he didn’t even have the decency to respond. Not that I asked for a response, of course. In all my ravings about the why, there are some things that are probably better left alone. And I would hate to know the real reason he stopped talking to me.
I feel tired. I feel like I invest time in these guys only for them to disappear from my life. It’s exhausting. I just want someone to be the one. Or at least someone who sees some sort of future with me. I’m hurt. And I’m scared about facing it all alone, still. I want to get out of this and feel positive and happy and driven, but part of me just doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning.
That was the great thing about this smart guy. He is super positive and into self-improvement, and I feel like that influence would be really great for me in my life. I want to feel that with someone. But now that I had it and lost it, I don’t want to keep going through this.