lost and confused
I have several journals, One i write in at night time before i fall to sleep. That is the one i keep up witht he best, Ihave slacked off with yahoo, livejournal and what ever else blog thingies i have started. But I will be tryign to do better again because i feel i need to let out more rants. I am will not be worrying about capitalizing words and what not when i fist write. I will come back later and do that. My plan is to copy what i have hand written in my night journal on to here, not necessarily the same day but before the week is over with. I am starting late so I will be copying my latest entry from my night journal. It has actually been a few days since i have even written in there. The date for my last entry was onOctober 16, 2006 at 1:33 am and yes i write down the time i begin writing. One more weird thing i do.
It again has been sometime since i last wrote in here. i finally have a job @ Garden Ridge. Not eh best and certainly not my favorite but its money. So i am not complaining. Pays $7/hr, so it will help keep the bills at bay. And also help us live alittle better. Hopefully I will be able to find a better job somewhere that will pay more. I will keep my eyes open. Other than work life @ home is good. We are still going strong, loving being with him (my boyfriend). He makes it easier to get up and keep going. Especially at times where i just want to stop. I have been getting thtat feeling where i just want to stay in bed and sleep the day away. I think I easily do that but one thing stops be, Batman. (for those of you who do not know that is my boyfriends nickname). I know if i was back at my mother's house I wouldnt be happy or want to do anything. I would stay at home and fall more into my depression. I kow i need to start exercising to help make me feel better better yet I have no energy and the lack of motivation to do so. I have to force myself to do the things around the house for it wont become overly messy. I try to stay on top of the laundry, new bed sheets on the bed, clean towles for the bathroom, clean dishes, picking up losse trash on the florr, vacuuming and shampooing the carpets. I try to have Bat's clothes hung or in the drawers, food in the fridge (cooked for he can have something already to eat), and the trashed emptied. I try to do the things around the house yet at times i am far too tired. But i still manage more than not to get the things done. So besides working fulltime, being a fulltime "house wife", I am just here. Bat helps every so often round the house when i ask him too, but most of the time its me. I decorated the house, but he best together, kitchen dinning set together (which took awhile), move things around. But im not complaining because I wouldnt want someone else to do it because they wouldnt do it like i want it to be done. Like the saying goes if you want something done right do it your self. Well that is what i do. I do it myself. I learned that from my mother, dad is hardly around so us girls had to do everything. I am very independent and realize that I do not need a man in my life at all to do anything. But men are a nice perk at times, they have their uses. :D Ok i just went off on my own rant, away from my original journal. So lets continue....Where was I on yes...I am just here. I work for anywhere from a minimum of 26 hrs of week at work to 37. Then work around the house about 2 to 4 hrs a day at home; cooking, cleaning, and every day things. So 8 hrs at work plus about 3 hrs at home equals my day. Then add a few hrs to watch some tv or get on the net to mess around and my day is complete. Now exercise needs to be added to it at some point.
How is my mental state? Depression? Yeah sorta. I am happy but not. I do not like my job but i like working. I like living with my baby in our house, but i feel i still am not doing enough. I feel inadequate. I am happy with how the future looks, just not how i look and feel in the present. Things are going great for Batm, which couldnt make me happier. Things are good for the most parts ther's just one BIG thing; myself dislike is flaring back up and it's stronger then it has been in some tiem. I am finding myself getting more and more disgusted with me. I really need to rejoin a gym, it's self discipline i lack and a gym helps create that for me.
On a good note about myself I have learned self restrain...Learned how to strength a dollar, and to buy only what i need. I have learned a better responsible way of acting. Now i just need to change me. I am finding that every time I look in the mirrow I feel I need make up. Even at night right before i go pick up Bat from work I feel i need to run and put make up on. Even though as soon as i get home im going to bed and im never out of the car until i get home. No one sees me but Bat. And he has seen me with out makeup but i still feel i need to add it because i feel ugly. Im starting to hate myself again. :( (I need a razor Should i find my stash?? My idea of a perfect me will never come, i know this and yet i still punish myself. Its a losing battle. My body as too many scars and no acne solution stuff works on me. I am doomed to look like me. I just want to be pretty. But the will NOT happen. A razor helps me punish myself for not being pretty. Do i need a punishing. Maybe so. Maybe It will help motivate me to lost weight. We'll see.
It again has been sometime since i last wrote in here. i finally have a job @ Garden Ridge. Not eh best and certainly not my favorite but its money. So i am not complaining. Pays $7/hr, so it will help keep the bills at bay. And also help us live alittle better. Hopefully I will be able to find a better job somewhere that will pay more. I will keep my eyes open. Other than work life @ home is good. We are still going strong, loving being with him (my boyfriend). He makes it easier to get up and keep going. Especially at times where i just want to stop. I have been getting thtat feeling where i just want to stay in bed and sleep the day away. I think I easily do that but one thing stops be, Batman. (for those of you who do not know that is my boyfriends nickname). I know if i was back at my mother's house I wouldnt be happy or want to do anything. I would stay at home and fall more into my depression. I kow i need to start exercising to help make me feel better better yet I have no energy and the lack of motivation to do so. I have to force myself to do the things around the house for it wont become overly messy. I try to stay on top of the laundry, new bed sheets on the bed, clean towles for the bathroom, clean dishes, picking up losse trash on the florr, vacuuming and shampooing the carpets. I try to have Bat's clothes hung or in the drawers, food in the fridge (cooked for he can have something already to eat), and the trashed emptied. I try to do the things around the house yet at times i am far too tired. But i still manage more than not to get the things done. So besides working fulltime, being a fulltime "house wife", I am just here. Bat helps every so often round the house when i ask him too, but most of the time its me. I decorated the house, but he best together, kitchen dinning set together (which took awhile), move things around. But im not complaining because I wouldnt want someone else to do it because they wouldnt do it like i want it to be done. Like the saying goes if you want something done right do it your self. Well that is what i do. I do it myself. I learned that from my mother, dad is hardly around so us girls had to do everything. I am very independent and realize that I do not need a man in my life at all to do anything. But men are a nice perk at times, they have their uses. :D Ok i just went off on my own rant, away from my original journal. So lets continue....Where was I on yes...I am just here. I work for anywhere from a minimum of 26 hrs of week at work to 37. Then work around the house about 2 to 4 hrs a day at home; cooking, cleaning, and every day things. So 8 hrs at work plus about 3 hrs at home equals my day. Then add a few hrs to watch some tv or get on the net to mess around and my day is complete. Now exercise needs to be added to it at some point.
How is my mental state? Depression? Yeah sorta. I am happy but not. I do not like my job but i like working. I like living with my baby in our house, but i feel i still am not doing enough. I feel inadequate. I am happy with how the future looks, just not how i look and feel in the present. Things are going great for Batm, which couldnt make me happier. Things are good for the most parts ther's just one BIG thing; myself dislike is flaring back up and it's stronger then it has been in some tiem. I am finding myself getting more and more disgusted with me. I really need to rejoin a gym, it's self discipline i lack and a gym helps create that for me.
On a good note about myself I have learned self restrain...Learned how to strength a dollar, and to buy only what i need. I have learned a better responsible way of acting. Now i just need to change me. I am finding that every time I look in the mirrow I feel I need make up. Even at night right before i go pick up Bat from work I feel i need to run and put make up on. Even though as soon as i get home im going to bed and im never out of the car until i get home. No one sees me but Bat. And he has seen me with out makeup but i still feel i need to add it because i feel ugly. Im starting to hate myself again. :( (I need a razor Should i find my stash?? My idea of a perfect me will never come, i know this and yet i still punish myself. Its a losing battle. My body as too many scars and no acne solution stuff works on me. I am doomed to look like me. I just want to be pretty. But the will NOT happen. A razor helps me punish myself for not being pretty. Do i need a punishing. Maybe so. Maybe It will help motivate me to lost weight. We'll see.